Friday

Throughout the years  nothing has changed time just stands still. I woke up this morning and I hear the moving trucks outside. I think to myself people are always on the move forever changing one place to another one person to another. Where did I become so lost and frozen in time? I'd start praying to a god I don't no longer believe in. Then I think where are the humans that are supposed to impact my life? I keep blaming everything on being a single mom. I start to think well what if I went to the mall and got a job and those people would leave too its never the same people year after year they all move that leads me to believe in I don't know how to just leave one place to another. I guess if I was still at the age where I lived with my parents then I could be portable. It's so quiet here everyday there's too much silence not a single word from anyone. I feel like my brain is suffering I gain no information about any topic or anything about anything. I cry a lot but no one would know this because I can't show it to others. I wish I just could go see a new place a different point of view on life but I know I'll never take a step outside my door. I think about all the stuff I missed out on in life that I have no experience in. I just wish I could start doing them on my own it seems impossible it's like having one person build a big bridge on their own without the proper tools and this person never gives up, so that person dies trying that's how long it took a life span to build it. Then you see it took a team of people that built it within a few months they lived and got it done and had the required tools. I bury myself in movies and video games just to get through the day and pass the time away. I think about how my son is doing great he's hardly ever around anymore because he's always busy with school and other activities and the only time I get to have any fun with him is in the summer when I'm not alone. I wish it was summer all the time just to have that feeling of not being alone and able to explore and try new things. I thought about going back to school myself just to have some reason to get dressed each and every day but then I thought about how it only makes me read books and have projects that are due and I never get out the house so I didn't. Then I thought about my cousins how I never really did as much as I was growing up because no one would do anything with me, since I was hanging out with them I did start going places and doing things I didn't ever experience in life. It also open my eyes up to I haven't explored enough things in life and I don't have much experience in anything without them my life is shit because I just sit in a room waiting to go to the next concert. When I go to concerts for some reason I'm praying to meet some people who have an adventurous life that are portable, but I never get anyplace with that just another room to stand in. I don't have much else to say today I'm going to go watch a movie now.