February 25, 2023

As soon as I park my car I got a text saying are you here? Yep, I replied. Then for some reason I went inside and was seated. Vince yells my name really loud Christina what are you doing?, Come on! I felt like an idiot. I follow him downstairs where's there's a room with a large TV screen a table in the middle and some chairs. There was about 3 vips. I felt sad that there wasn't more he deserves more. Should I even count that other band member? Okay this is weird. I sat down and watched the band had austic guitars just like he said. He was planning to do this with his vip with the announcement on Facebook. At first he wasn't facing me or anyone and his band said you should turn around what are you afraid? (In my mind) Right he should know better then that didn't they train you to never have your back to an audience?? Of course they do. He turns around and starts singing his heart out. I'm just sitting there nervous with the happiest smile on my face, but later knowing what I know about this type of business that feeling fades into the fourth wall stare plus a mixture of eyes shutting which breaks my heart because I'm still daydreaming. Then I start to stare off into everything else and everyone else. Then my mind wonders to I wish it was just the two of us in this room. Anyhow, I didn't take any pictures or record anything at all. I just wanted to live in that moment and feel something. Maybe I should have though because I wanted to keep it forever, but I didn't ask for permission so I didn't do it. Well I can say he definitely aced the planning and setup of a vip experience it was beautiful. There was one problem though, because that austic guitar Imran had wasn't properly stringed. They performed three songs lost, other side, and bloodline. I didn't even notice that the drummer was missing. I must be a mess how could I have not noticed something like that wow my head was just someplace else I guess. Now the band has what is called the original drummer whatever his name is I'm really not paying attention again. Okay, so old dummer in newer drummer out and Imran is leaving the band after this tour. All I know is if Vince leaves the band I'm be really angry. I'm not even sure if he even writes what he sings after hearing him talk bout not knowing literature. I'm so confused now so who is it that wrote the songs? Ok I'm lusting/loving over a ghost now maybe? This is a disaster. I hope this band doesn't fall apart how will I ever see him again I wonder, but I keep quiet. Most of the night I just talked to other bands asking what instruments they play and where they are from. Lots of answers are locally. That's awesome because I always feel like everything is so far away. I've done a lot of dancing or whatever you wanna call it. I was getting excited makes me feel happy. Some guy gave me a Tshirt Gabe Woodrow. Reminds of a country singer you'd see perform at a carnival type venue. The crowd was very fun not dangerous. I also met vinces cousin I didn't know he had other family touring with him. He says he part of a dungeon and dragons wish I knew more about this stuff, but of course I can't seem to align. Maybe because the sky was so dark and gloomy that night. I ended up just saying well you could try writing comics. What am I saying why can't I formulate the right words? I'm not great at putting commas in the right places either, but I do love a poet. Also, I talked breify to a guy who said he's a bookie which I said that sounds very interesting and then he rans away from me. Wow, I'm just having all kinds of communication problems tonight. I guess it's because I'm always on the outside and all I have are textbooks on these things which makes me burn up inside. I'm always terrible at communicating maybe because I can't separate public from private? Or maybe something is wrong with me? Just like while watching the band play there was times when I turned off my phone's camera because I heard some audio errors. There was also this really bad vocal point Vince had kinda made me laugh and then I'm like doing some weird hand signals I guess he couldn't tell he probably wasn't paying attention, but like I said I'm on the outside. I can still notice all the errors in the audio and stuff. Later after getting envious of Vince talking to every girl there besides me. I decided to go talk to that versus me guy he went on an on about how he liked a place but couldn't list the name of it. Anyhow, he said, "The LEDs on their arms wasn't really any meaning to them they just look cool and they are similar to the music video". I told him I'd have to watch that I haven't already. Earlier Vince said that he liked my hair color and there's all this space and he runs away again. Okay, okay I get it stay away from you. I only know this because I know what body language is. I understand what the artist is doing, but still it's driving me nuts. Then I'm outside talking to some people and they are talking about fears. One girl says she's afraid of deep underwater. Another lady says dead rats because her cats keep killing them. And of course I say something really scary, "well once I took a bucket and hammer and killed a mouse so it stop getting in my chicken food". They probably thought I'm insane. It was really scary though right? LOL. I wonder if they fear me after what I said. Earlier this girl greeted me she had some makeup in her hands later I seen her she had a dog very friendly. I petted the dog he seemed to be nice, but as soon as I stopped. The dog started crying. I ended up asking the dog what's wrong why you crying as if the dog can answer me. That was strange. I'm assuming it's not her dog. I guess I just pick up on things like this not really knowing what's going on. 

I've been saying it...

I've been saying it for years and years what does it all add up to? Everyday silence everyday frozen in time everyday the endless silence. All this pain when will it end? Why can't I defrost myself?

alone powerless

So now it's a lot of white mocus smaller amounts of blood. The doctor said I need another colonoscopy done. I don't understand why, when I had the other two why couldn't they diagnose it back then. I'm supposed to get another MRI on my pelvis again. I had one done like 2 years ago and they couldn't tell me anything. So I have to wait until March to get all this testing done. My dermatologist tired to put me on stelara, but insurance company denied it. They are trying to appeal it. I think it's because I started asking questions like can I get an income for this. I've looked online and found some information about this BioLife thing where they pay people for plasma so I've decided I'll try that since everything else is going to shit. I had a phone interview with a local store and was told they are looking over interviews and maybe they will call wait a week. I've been having a hard time filling my schedule, handling stress, finding a income, dealing with this ibs, etc. It seems like no matter what I do I'm just doomed. I get so mad when I read these books for a class I'll never get approved to work in. This semester I only have one class production and it's only an hour long. My son starts his first job at work today. At least he's doing good, so now I'm need me a new car. He still gets a nasty attitude with me and makes me mad. I have no comfort provided for me. I try to get my mind off of things by the TV usage but sometimes it doesn't even help it just makes me hurt even more. I read this article about IBS and it says have a diet plan and mental health I'll probably get denied that service too. I'll have to wait until March to ask a doctor since my primary only does telephone they scheduled me another doctor. I'm sorry, but I stopped hanging out with my aunt because of this as well so now I suffer social isolation. I just felt like I've inherited this my mom and aunt had these types of problems. but they received social security I can't  because due to lack of work credits. I tried a lawyer no success. I was exercising at home I bought a yoga ball and a belt that zaps me, but now I feel like I can't use them no more. I would pay for a program but I'm afraid I won't have enough to pay for basic needs and house taxes if I have a subscription fee every month to a gym. I used to swim at the schools gym, but I can't do that no more because the building is being remodeled. I'm still waiting for a therapist to call me back about scheduling so I can attend that. No big surprise I can't donate blood because of low blood iron. So Ive found a people sharing information on Facebook that says the same problems I have and one that says there's a place in India that can help. https://www.healinghandsclinic.co.in/blog/category/fissure/amp/

So now I see that people are talking in Facebook groups. That hidradenitis suppurativa is all bs. The real problem is Anal Fissure or chorns disease/UC. 

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10151-011-0769-2

feb 15 photos to show what I'm saying

February 15, 2023

Yesterday I had voicemail to move my gastroenterologist appointment up from 3pm to 230 then today because Dr wolf has to leave. I was called and answered the phone told them I was on my way I'm driving. 
Reschedule appt won't be seen in until next week.
Didn't care to look at my photos like there's no time to quick to look at photo rather argue about his time then look at a photo of my blood in the toilet. I will try again next week. Had to pay 4 bucks for parking and I wasn't there long. Got upset started crying. I just feel like this happens all the time with people no one ever has the time for me. I am always waiting for service and time. I'm falling about hopefully they can see that still no one is suggesting anything to be done about this. Went to class today and was giving templates papers of what an casting call sheet looks like and info about a actors equity and repstage. Still mad because that's a waiting game I can't get no one to helpe with this issue either. I'd apply myself but I never had the opportunity for the requirement of one paid show for this. Yep everything in life is just watch the time change while I wait for help and no one witnesses my sorrow. I did apply for a ton of jobs online, but like I said again it's just another waiting game. So back to the house to the dead silence with my internally bleeding butt and zero job but hey I went outside today. Try again next week whenever it's convenient for them to help me with my life issues. 

proof of existence

Who am I? Okay so I can provide proof of my existence, but why can't I make a connection? Where's is my friend to create this timeline with me? Example; if I was to meet someone could you provide your timeline with me? Am I allowed to know who you are? Would you share yourself with me? Who are you? I am an open public book. Why do I feel that the rest of the world is not. And how do I change this? How can I make this better? The wait seems endless. I'm still here waiting for a beginning. Where can I go from here? It's whatever you need whatever you want. I want to give you everything. All my time all my love it's all for you. 

unloved and worthless

Who has showed you that you hold value? Family, work, friends, for me they they all remain zero. Who shares anything good with me? No one. It's facts. What is my purpose? Why must I only have dreams and fantasies, but can't seem to figured out how to have reality? I'm falling down again into the zero given and received. No rights to anything. I'm still going blind over here I can't find nothing to smile about. I'm misery all day everyday. It's supposed to change but it never does. How can I become the opposite? I can't change anything by myself I'm done. I feel like I wanna die goodbye. 

when it hurts again

There's no light it's all never ending time consuming everything and it just leaves me blinded. I can't see any changes being made. I'm just talking.g to myself. It feels like hell and theres no way out. Why did you do this? Severed from my own humanity. There's no purpose no hope for tomorrow or today. It doesn't matter what I go or what I do because you don't care your with her and not me. It was never meant for me and it hurts. I remain broken unrepaired and damaged. I'm going blind to life. I can't see anything it just all remains the same with change to my heart. It's pushed me to my breaking point. Now I see that death is all that remains for any type of change. It hurts to think of you out there with her and not me. I thought you was searching and waiting for me like I've been doing with you endlessly. Please stop this pain.

burn

I wanna watch you burn, burn down the planet like a comet falling out of the sky. Burn everything you've ever known all the encounters and then start again. Put the sun back into the sky and take the road less traveled. Embrace the new era. Build a new foundation. Create a new world order a new place in time. Listen to the sound the leaves falling off the trees. Make a poition, bury it, and start again. Gather resources and build a new tomorrow. Then reflect back and pave a new way again and again. Then capture that design and take another path to the unknown. 

denied never obtained

I'm scared of my own destiny. I'm not sure even if it's going to be a good one. The hands of time are not in my favor. I'm so tired of crying each and everyday. Always waiting for a new beginning. I know life is supposed to have it's ups and downs, but why am I always feeling like I'm on an endless search only to find more tears in my eyes? Why can't I just have an experience? Why can't I just talk, walk, share, take photos, create a story with you? Where are you? Why must I do everything in solo? Please save me. It doesn't matter where I go, but whom I'm with it makes all the difference. Who can give that common connection that feeling? The nysc feeling we are one. Give and take from me. Show me a brighter day. Help me break free from fantasy and live a reality. 

The longing

I'm still here without a beginning without you. I wish you was around to be a part of my life. Be a part of my timeline. I wanna make history where are you hiding? It just feels like all I do is search and it's endless... For a sense of direction a sense of belonging... Acceptance a simple conversation or experience of something more. I wanna feel worthy of value. Can I be special to you? Set me free from my lonely prison. Show me what is it to share, care, and be a part of something bigger then myself. Give me something other then this idle time here walking along in this planet earth. Reach into my darkness and pull me into the light. Help me smile again. Sing your heart out help me shine. Is it all destiny? Will happen before it's too late? Or will I have to wait until the world is over? Don't wait me wait another day. Show me what it means to live again. Save me from the emptiness inside and give me purpose. What is personal? What is it like out there in the unknown? I guess I'll never know everything just sounds like I don't know how... How to get out of this broken home. I wish I could ride with you. Think about 5 minutes 5 years... In my tears for years I see that nothing which never changes my physical, mental, and social life is resulting into a nothing which leads to a death. Will it kill me at age 55? Am I running outta time? My physic abilities are not showing me what's ahead. What happens if I listen to everyone and nothing changes? What if I obey everything and still nothing changes? Will I just remain on mute to everyone and everything forever? I'm so sick of the outside. Will I ever be invited to the inside??

you are my fantasy

You are heaven sent I could only pray for that blessing to bestowed upon me. I found you in a dream. Your glow is illuminating and awaking. I just need to find a way to break free from this fantasy and bring you into reality. Am I even human? Break me out of this dark prison where I remain. Show me how to embrace a new way. Another day into a new chapter where the warthm of the day is filled with your starlight guiding ever part of you and me into our new universe. Break free from this fantasy and let's a new reality. I stand alone in this fantasy awaiting on your arrival.