missing the point

There's so much I'm going to miss out on. The emptiness will be the only thing that will be an constant remains. I give up today I promise to never open my heart again. I'm told to learn to respect boundaries what does it mean. Never feel anything ever again. To just watch everyone else in life be happy. While I remain broken. Just remain non existent. My time and age is wasting away anyhow so why should I even care. Maybe I should just bury myself in a fantasy of the afterlife. In another life where I could have blossomed with love and happiness where we could be a family. Where we can share things we enjoy together. I guess it'll always remain a dream of doing things we love together unless there is some other world I need to enter to find that. I also think it could be the simplist of things no matter how big or small. I wish I could find that alignment in the stars. Instead of what it could be.. it should be what should be... I hate this one-sided feeling. It's like saying know your place. Makes me feel so trapped. I wish you had the time to care. I wish I could have given you the world. I wish I had that connection. I wish I could have shared more information, but there's always that terrible non realistic thing in the way. And you can't tell me that love doesn't fix problems I think it could. I just haven't been able too. Oh I get what boundaries means now just remember stuck in the fan zone. Not the friends zone not the love zone just the damn fan zone. Wow that hurts okay so goodbye humanity. 

I search for how to heal broken

To heal a broken heart, it's important to allow yourself to grieve, acknowledge your emotions, practice self-care, seek support from loved ones, and give yourself time to heal, while also focusing on activities that bring you joy and help you reconnect with your own needs and passions; consider reaching out to a therapist if the pain is overwhelming. Key steps to healing a broken heart:

Acknowledge your pain: Don't try to suppress your emotions, allow yourself to feel sadness, anger, and other feelings that arise. 
Give yourself time to grieve: Understand that healing takes time, and don't rush the process. 
Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about how you're feeling. 
Practice self-care: Prioritize healthy habits like good sleep, nutritious eating, regular exercise, and relaxation techniques. 
Limit contact with your ex: Minimize contact with your former partner to allow for healing. 
Focus on positive activities: Engage in hobbies, interests, and social activities that bring you joy. 
Reflect on your experience: Learn from the relationship and identify areas for personal growth. 
Be kind to yourself: Practice self-compassion and avoid self-blame. 
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help process emotions. 
Mindfulness practices: Meditation and deep breathing can help manage stress and anxiety. When to seek professional help:

If your sadness is overwhelming or interferes with daily life 
If you experience significant changes in appetite or sleep patterns 
If you have thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideation
If you struggle to cope with your emotions on your own 

no purpose

Your never there sometimes I wish you was my plague because it remains everyday. Your never here. I cry on a daily. Zero I remain in this empty timeline. The memorial never created. Just waiting at the starting line. I can't see the light darkness remains. There's nothing blossoming here. I'm just stuck feeling worthless unloved and still waiting for change. I can't see hear feel there's nothing tangible. Not a memory or a moment in time. I'm lost in this dark pit. How can I experience something? How do I become kind? How can I sharing is caring? Where are you why didn't you save me? The silence is bitter. Soon I will expire. No matter what I do or where I go it doesn't matter I'm wasting away. I can't bring you back.

need a cure still

http://chattylstorm.blogspot.com/2024/09/how-do-you-fix-this.html

it never ends

So today I seen the name of my little girl in my fairytale life, but now I don't like that name. Years ago I planned on naming a girl if I ever had one Alexis and now I find out that's Vincents girlfriend name. I sat here and cried a bit and thought that maybe it was just another sign to tell me of this future. I feel so worthless unloved inexperienced in my real lifetime. All I know is nothing seems to ever change with me. All I know is I live this painful life alone and I will die alone and there's nothing left for me not even in my afterlife. I'm a walking corpse. Still frozen in time that's the only thing I'm sure of that is everlasting. I am awoken to remain broken. Here am I once again just me and my textbox me and my inkpen. I guess I should have known. You waste away your whole life in solitude for years and years you think you find the one and bam you end up in the same pain you never you never changed it all just remains the same. My story never changes. I don't even have a soul so there's no soulmate for me. I am nothing no one a nobody. I never even had the chance. Just another locked door. While everyone is finding happiness here I am again with another tissue to dry the endless tears for years. No one ever sees me. All I can do is pretend just keep pretending that I am okay. So beat me like a punching bag I can take more hits then you ever have. I should be used to it by now. You would think so. There's no hopes and dreams left for me they all been severed. Why do I even keep trying and how the hell am I supposed to move on or change? There's no destiny for me just more bad luck. I'm so sick of it all. It's like I'm not even human. I'm not even sure how to feel anymore. Just rip out all my emotions. Suffer in silence. Why feel anything at all when it's all one-sided? There's no one else like you. No compatibility nothing. Why should I be happy for you when I'm dying inside? How could you even see another? Or even think about anyone else? I never could. I just drown myself in distractions to avoid any kind of happiness at all. Maybe I was born just to be a sadist. Maybe I am the monster maybe I'm just a terrible person who doesn't deserve anything or anyone? Now I feel like I'm going blind or maybe I'm the invisible one. I'll let that hate consume me. Look at the monster you turned me into. 

jun,112024

Today I woke up with some sorta hicky looking rash where my face lines are. I'm not sure what's going on but I don't like this. I took my car to the shop. I weed wacked the bushes and planted the rose bush I got for my birthday. There's tons of these black and white spotted beatlespider bugs in the trees near the chicken coop. Scary stuff. Gave the bunny water. Now I'm cooking chicken and broccoli for dinner. Washed some clothes. Oh yeah, yesterday I put new stickers all over the bathroom walls. Housing did inspection of the home repairs new stuff that was installed a/c. I was told I need to have a few other things done like get a cap for the fireplace, so the birds don't keep making nest in it. I told them how sometimes they come in at the bottom and how I scoop them out and take them outside. My ears are ringing it's been doing that a lot lately not sure why. I'm go look for someone to play the game with.

I wish I had a cure

Here's what people can't see but I struggle with every month since 2005. 

I use white washclothes everyday.

Later around 2015 I started getting really bad arm pits. Now my left one is ugly.

This is what happens underneath my chest breasts.

I take doxycycline mono, Nystatin topical powder, and sulfasalazine tablets. And I'm supposed to be get a better treatment medication for this but it takes forever to get approved I'm still running back and forth to doctors trying to fix this but it seems like and endless wait.

Also once I awhile I drink 4 in 1 daily fiber.

how can I start?

It hurts to think about love I've never known... I thought he was the one, but he showed me I am not the one for him. I'm doomed to forever live in this nightmare forever. Why did he even wake me up? He gave me hope, joy, and happiness then he took it all way. He was my inspiration to be creative. I wanted to live in his fantasy, but here I remain broken and unloved forever. My tears for years is all that ever remains. Why would he ever care I'm not even healthy enough for love making. I just feel so alone. I wish I was worthy of a friend a lover a family. Again I say it why has God forsaken me? I give up on love because there will never be anyone who is just like you. I'll forever be sorry that I never got to explore that with you. You were everything that I could of hoped and dreamed of, but now I see your heart is someplace else. All I can do now is hope I can fix this endless pain and suffering I feel because I didn't get to experience the love you don't have for me. I wished there was away I could share my love for you, but now I know I'm not allowed to try to express it anymore. I must live alone and die alone. I am a sadist. All I can hope and dream for now is to find myself and someplace I belong where I can feel that I am wanted. How can I find happiness? Who will complete me? How will I ever be happy with myself? What is happiness? How can I love myself and create a better timeline for myself? I'm sick and tired of being unbalanced and stressed out. How can I make my dreams a reality without you in them? How can I create a future without you? How will I ever be happy? What can I do for myself to improve my own well begin? I am still unanswered and I don't wanna stay depressed forever. Show me how to be happy and live a better life. I don't wanna live in a broken dream no more. Please God tell me how to fix this? What changes do I need to do to make life better to have a purpose, a sense of belonging to just be happy. How can I turn positive dreams into a reality when all I ever receive is rejection? How will I find inspiration to create something better not just for me, but to be able to share it with someone else? How can I begin again? 

crushed

I should have known there's no hope for me he doesn't love me. What did he do he shown me that he's going home with some girl who didn't even act like she wanted to kiss him back. My heart is forever broken. He said he was taking her home tonight. I gave him my heart and he broke it. Now I'm just a empty shell unable to ever be happy. I don't think there's anyone out there for me. I could never do to him what he done to me. He destroyed me.. I don't think there's anyone else out there like him. Also I did really wanted to read him like a book, but after he broke my heart what's the point. It's too hard to just let him go or forget about him. He was everything I could ever want in a man. He destroyed my dreams. I'll never be happy again.

 

19 years later

They finally got a medication for HS it only took 19 years for them to finally tell me about it. 

Im not okay

First I lost love then I lost my career now I've lost my health. It's so cold out here. Now I've lost my voice. I've lost my will to live. Why won't anyone save me? No one cares stop complaining go back to being an empty mute.

outtawte

I haven't been doing so good lately. I'm outta words time and everything. Depression pain and suffering have been consuming me lately. I'm not sure when I'll be okay to speak again.