im dying

No one will help me find something good to say. Lately ive been trying to fix all the stuff in my life thats broken but instead im still being told to leave im a failure and top of all that im still sick and its only getting worse. Why wont anyone help me? Why does everything have to be drama in my life why cant i find the hope anymore? Why am i so broken ? Someone plea see e help me it hurts so much i cant take it no more. Now it appears i have to drop out of school because just one teacher is saying im not going to succeed in the program. And Now i have nothing to live for. And im still sick my underarm pit is very swore and im not even able to deal with it proplery. If i goto a hostipal i wont get proper treatment because ive done that alot throughout the years. I just need to find one place to go to for treatment not all different outpatient places. Im stuck because it seems like no matter what place i goto they all will just do the samething and just cut into me. I dont want this no more. I dont wanna live like this no more. I cant stop crying. My head hurts now. And no one cares about anything that im going through. No one wants to help me get better. 

today

Ryan is driving to school with my car by himself congrats. I wish he get a job and get his own car. I'm mad he refroze the duck I had out to make dinner with. I don't know why he never asks me anything. He never understands whats going on or what im doing. I had to run this damn duck under water and wait out several hours now I can finally cook it. 

what is a social life

What is a soical life like for me. I don't really remember growing up. I had both a mom and dad who hate black people. I was shun from everything but it wasnt their fault the society I grew up in was blacks was the minority it wasn't the norm to be a white girl. I blame money and the architect who builded the envirnoments we live in. My mom worked for an aunt who gave us money to live in a better envirnoment. I'm mad because my mom recieves money from her still after death because insurance. Yet I don't all I am told is I must get a job to make money. Most of my family gets a check to do nothing each month. Why cant I be like them no approval for me. Since I was young and a single mother all I had was state funds and school. I was able to receive foodstamps and medical, but lost at any type of soical group or life or even the choice to choose my own enthicy. They wouldn't even provide tca they told me I had to work like a slave while having a child that I can only get child support and no tca. I lived off of public housing in a small apartment for most of my life. My son never really gained friends from school neither did I. I felt like I'm soically mute. I always dreamed of what it would be like to have friends. All I ever had was a family tons of cousins who would hang out with me every weekend, nut now I don't see them no more. I feel like they all moved on with their own life. Even their children are having children now. They grew up while I'm still the student. Now when in school I am the oldest person there who doesn't have a soical circle of friends or even had any type of employment. All I do is let the clock tick by and I feel like I'm dying. I have community medical which leaves me in pain. I feel like no one cares if I live or die. I have so many scars the only people I get to have interaction with is school, playstation, and doctors. Everytime I get to see a new doctor I get new scars. Cutting me open for tests, but none ever help me get better. Also they wont even give me an income for this. I took a forum to two of my doctors to try to get them to fill it out and none of them would, but yet they wont see me unless they get paid. I'm upset because not only do I not receive money but I also have more then scars now. I have a skin infection on my leg feet and hands and was it worst I break out with abcesses in my grion and my umderarms, so there goes my sex life. Maybe I desverse this because long time ago I let some guy kill my child. Its my fault too I had an abortion only because I am poor single mom and I hate being alone. I still feel like I dont know how to have a guy friend without having to have sex. Now I can't even have sex because I keep breaking out with stuff. I feel like I'm closer to death. I always get scared around guys I don't know how to behave. My son grew up without a father figure so I tried to be both. I even went to boyscouts with him and I was the only female there. I'm not gay just broken. At school I get so upset and jealous because I'm so old and everyone is so young. I see them connecting, hugging, talking and gaining training for careers. All I get is my teachers telling me there's something wrong with me and that I'm not picked for this because of me?  I guess I'll just keep going to school for another ten years until someone finally chooses to help me. It's the only option I have. I feel like dying but I won't hurt myself although I do cry alot. Why because I feel left out of society. Im still waiting at the starting line waiting for my beginning. Some say time heals all wounds but not this time for me it just gets worst. When my two teachers talked to me instead of having hope for a future they broke me and I dont know how to come back to feeling hopeful. Now I'm getting bad grades in school and I wasn't before when my hands was clean. Ever since im not able to use them like I used to I'm broken. This virus wouldn't have happened if I didnt work hard in my own yard. I wish I would have been more like my rich neighbors and just have a company come out and do the yardwork. As for grubhub I dont even feel like sitting in a parking lot waiting an hour for an app to ring to get working. Plus it drains my battery life and the gps messes up where I really need to be at drop offs. I'm just a failure at everything. Im tired of trying to fit in or do whatever I'm done. My son used to work but then quit he never helps pay bills. I wish he would find a new job but he wont. He says he will fail at school if he works he cant do both. The only reason he had a job was because the last year in highschool they let you off school to work.  Im not sure why he wanted to go to college but im glad he does. I just wish he would have left home for it so he can become independent, but he wont do that either. I refuse to give him any money hoping he will go out and make it himself. I'm tired of him not helping paying the bills. I guess this story will never change. Even when I do work for free I'd rather do that and be active instead of at home alone in my pain and suffering. I don't wanna sick anymore. The only real soical life I've ever had are the lyrics in the songs I listen to. Being mute makes me insane. How am I supposed to improve my situation? I thought I was doing everything on my end that I could do to make it better but now im not sure if it'll ever be good enough. So looks like I didn't make it to disney plus how old can you be to do an starting level position at 12 dollar an hour. What is that like ? I dunno I'm feeling like I'm not changing with my age or the wages of the world. Like I'm discriminated against. Also my psn friends tell me ill never be able to meet a man and have kids at my age like theres no hope for me. I feel like the only future for me is to quit, but i wont I'll just to be kicked out or locked up. I just wish I could be happy with a smile on my face like these young students who get those 12 dollar jobs. All I know is envy and jealous which willl make me a terrible person. Also ill never get that bulit in swimming pool not like I have enough help or health to maintain it. So no upgrades here. No contactors no blueprints just. Kill your dreams you poor sick zombie get off here. 

no choices given

Why even continue to breathe its a struggle to still alive I try to keep myself healthy active etc but theres only those evil forces around let not giving me an chance to live I dont get to choice anything im always forced to do whatever. My kid makes all my fish in the oven without asking knowing that we are running out of food I refuse to buy him anything hes lazy wont even make or eat I wish he fucking die I hate him. When it runsout he'll just have to starve im done with this shit. My family always hurts me doesnt let me be myself or make my own choices. Just take take take from me. How can he be so dirty by choice and not have the sickness I have? He chooses to be overweight and dirty and yet he doesnt have the skin swores I have its not fair I wish anyone else had this not me I didnt choose this. Also im so sick of this house I want out but I wont im always waiting to heal and all I do is wait it never gets better. Why wont you just kill me because im tired of the suffering.