does it make it normal?

To want to feel natural about feeling anything at all. Like the seed that blooms into a beauitful flower. We all grow into something. The chemicals in my brain have only shown me that I can feel alive it's like holding hands for the first time. My written words to you are the hug I never received. The truth within that made me feel human. This is the smile I received the kiss the I never felt before. The light that outshine the darkness and made everything okay. It wasn't always butterflies and rainbows. I'm just happy be to me alive. Even if it drives me crazy and I have to create an imaginary world than that's where I'll exist. 

myself with myself

Ive accepted myself for who I am. I am still lost and broken when it comes to receiving your kindness. I haven't found it. I get terrified at the thought of it, but its all I ever wanted or needed. I will not beg for it. I will let it find me and I will know when its time. If not than I will have accepted it for what it is and not let it take me into a dark place. I will have faith in god that change will happen and when it does it will be full of all the beauty I've lived without for so long. Im not going to let my hunger for anything overcome my need for happiness. Not even an army of people can tell me its me and there's something wrong with me because I can feel and see the truth to all things. Even if its leaves me in silence alone in the dark for many years I still carry on. I have always and still believe in myself because it has never failed me never left me alone. I am alone but at least I know who I am. I know I don't have to change for anyone and I will be accepted for what I am. If not like I said before I've grown comfortable with the silence and emptiness. I never let it consume me. Even when I've lost all humanity in the end I still have myself. I will not go insane no matter how far off the edge you push me. 

thoughts

Everyone makes their own way

Everybody Leaves leads their own way

Draws a blueprint and rewrites a new story

Overcomes fear pain sadness

Embraces hope happiness change

Steps outside of oneself to see more of destiny

Believe in something find an equilibrium 

Take the time to find the inner beauty

Take a chance use you imagination and bring forth a new reality

The power to rise is in everything everyone 

Hate love encounters soical ties coming undone

Motivation poured out of an empty soul

Embrace the clouds and shine out with the new

Pink purple white casting out the dark 

A new tone to set the way

december 2019

Lately, I had to overcome the fear of being around people "classmates" dropping all envious jealously. I'm still left with the feeling of I didnt get enough support with education. It's like I was stripped away from getting the help I needed to become better at the tasks at hand. Some of the problems came from my health at the time and some from playing the waiting game. I wanted so bad to follow the deadlines and rules that this waiting game destroyed me. I stopped working and tired to put all my engery into school and my health and it only made me feel like dying. I don't even know what to register for this upcoming semester because of the rejection. All I know is I need to learn something where time is actually spent helping me learn and getting the feeling of be appericated for my efforts. I don't or no I can't live with the feeling of being broken no more. I also need more physical activity in my life. I got approved to for a summer program that made me feel good like things are finally starting to look up for me. Now the only problem is where do I go from here with my major because the entertainment has broken my damn heart and I'm not sure what to do. The conusler told me to try the program at a different school but this is my hometown and it would cost me even more to drive someplace else even if its the next county over. Im not ready to leave. Also, I'm having problems with my son he's only taking two classes and he's failing and not trying to reach out for help. I'm very disappointed in him and I'm not going to stress myself with his failures. I'm too busy trying to fix myself. I told him what to do he just has to do it for himself. After finals I'm have to meet with an advisor yet again. I also need to get back to reading my books because I haven't been doing that lately or sleeping peacefully. I still find time to play video games, cry, and think about life. I'm still not happy. I pretend to be normal but I'm not. I just want to fit in with the world. I'm going to church on sundays. I'm still having a hardtime with my family other then my son. I'm sick of them talking about how they receive checks and what they are doing with their money and I should get a job. Im so sick of hearing it and they don't even have to work for it. It makes me sick. I just want to stay away from my family because it doesn't make me feel good at all. Im so sick and tired if always having to listen to what everyone else says but im not allowed to speak because no one wants to hear it. It leaves me so alone and broken inside and here come the tears again. Silence is better but that even drives me crazy. I just want to feel normal. Oh and I dont even want to celebrate the holiday and I'm normally a giving and caring person but I'm sick of feeling like a pack of dollar store socks is too expessive for you, so this year I'm not gifting. I'm focus on my life and to hell with my extended family.