cigarettes

You was there as my friend everyday of my life. You touched my hands went on walks with me. You touched my lips. You relieved my stress. You went everywhere I went. You spend all your time with me. You was addictive and bad for my health. You still remain there by my side and you speak to me when no one else would. Your all I ever had. I don't know how to quit. I filled my lungs with the toxic chemical s because you wouldn't save me. We wear the same bracelet have the same tattoos. No it wasn't ever true there was never a we just I am the destoryer of my own worth. When I can't breathe no more I'll blame you for not helping me pick up the pieces. Can u see me? Would u save me? Or I'll just continue let the smoke run through my veins. Its the only access you gave me. Why couldn't there have been a real person instead? They all disappear. Now I just reside in this cloud of smoke. 

I used to think...

When I was younger I used to think I'd be happy if I had my own home all I ever wanted was a house. Then later I got one and I was happy for a bit then I wanted more. I was told if I got a job I'd be happy so I did and I was still left unhappy. Then I started getting sicker and sicker. Where am I at now? I don't know what it takes to be happy anymore. I used to think I had experience with realtionship but I never have. I did marry a guy I only knew his dick and had a kid which made me a single mom. Then I had another guy I knew his dick and it made me a killer. I've never had a boyfriend I'm now 39 years old and still nothing has changed. I've tried church. I'm not sure what will make me normal, buy at least I'm now texting the truth. I've never had a bridesmaid or even a friend to hangout at the mall with what r friends?

wishing I could have this in the real

I value the light all the things I've lived without that I haven't seen or been provided with kindness communication, commit, obey, sharing, caring, etc. All things good that what I'll will cherish I'm finally waking up for me they have all been these dreams where everything brighter and people were nicer. The grass was greener. An helping hand, a friend, a lover, a builder, an infinite cycle of let's do this even when it's hard or when it's to create something so beautiful. Apprenticeship, appreciation, valued, you don't have to do this alone, teamwork makes the dreamwork, your a star even when your not, so let's just stop all this living in the darkness. Stop holding the weight of the world without no back up. Don't except me to lift you and then when I'm down your not around. Turn that frown upside down. Don't tell me it's not good enough because money which is the root to all evil is the problem why you can't do something about it. Don't be toxic because it's contagious be contagious because happiness makes all feel better and share and receive the joy. Don't be just "the taker" it's all give and take. What have you given back? Don't be that one-way road be that two way that collides. Be the engery that gives engery to others to help rise above and soar. Help a stranger help friend. Don't be the complainer. Don't tell me your problems about how ur life is so terrible because you allowed someone else to destory your inner light. Be strong be greatful. Learn to be better where better will be kind to you in return. 

I don't wanna wake up

Why can't I just sleep like a normal in person I'm sick of waking up in The middle of the night. What is wrong with me. I'm in have this really bad pain in my head again between it in and my left eye. I wish I could just sleep and have nice dreams and never wake up again because Everytime I wake up it's so hard to try to fill the long hours of each day with stuff to do. I've been praying for entry to heaven. I'm so tired of this never changing life of mines. God please forgive me and end this hell I'm living in. Please save me. The silence grows very long. The only thing I can hear is the sickness. 

pathway to enlightenment

Can I hold your hand and take a walk with you. Would you buy me ready to bloom flowers in soil just because you know I don't like the ones that are cut to death. Tell me what I'm worth and how you couldn't imagine spending a single day without me. Let's cry together, love together, and fight together. Tell me all your and fanastys. Go to church with me. Meet my parents introduce me to your parents. Call me just because you was thinking about me and miss me. Let's go horseback riding together. Let's go fishing together. Let's go to the mall together. Let's go to a country concert together. Let's cook together. Lets watch the sunrise and set together. Let's take photos together. Let's go swimming together. Camping, travel, movies, museums, dancing, sing, cuddle, build a project, paint, write poems, tell jokes, a Broadway show, cycling, skating, bowling, share ice cream, etc. What else have I've been missing out on experiencing? Plan a wedding marriage and sharing a life together. Building a dream home together. Rising children together. Taking care of pets together. Being blessed. Did I miss anything? What else am I missing out on experiencing with you my love? So now you know what I need in my life all that's missing is the time and effort you've put into this relationship. Create these things with me and I will unbreak from the darkness and finally reach the happiness that I truly desire. This is how my heart will open for you. 

enter the light

Teach me how to be a better person. Show me how to overcome fear. Make me feel like I'm not worthless. Take the time to speak. Show me what is it to be great. Will I ever be understood. How will I ever be appreciated or thankful. Teach me how to love show me that you care. Help me write about something beautiful. Dry my angry tears. Don't assume the worst of me give me time. Let me be understood. Don't let me keep talking to myself. Give me hope. Bring out the light and show me what happiness is. Without your help I don't know how to even begin on my own. I don't wanna be broken forever. 

how to...

How am I supposed to fix the broken I need to repair the damage. I want a new story something nice to say. Something to smile about. Why does it always have to be the same text written over and over again? When will I talk about something exciting new happy? How am I supposed to fix this? 

still sad

My time is very patient and everlasting but the memories are very short lived some even fade away into nothing. Some remain but are a moment that has long past. The more I open eyes to reality the less I want of it. It's easier to just dream away. Pretending I've had more conversation past the paper. Too bad there isnt ink in this or I'd run it dry. My reality needs to be more connected. From day to day I'm not sure how to even found a sentence anyone. I'm becoming scattered. Why can't I talk about something other then my own tears? Why must I keep fighting a battle I'm never winning. What will happen when I surrender? 

tired of typing

So I spent a whole day without any communication at all. But I do that just about everyday don't I? Yep. Soon I wont be able to form a whole sentence. Maybe I should just type my whole life way. This is hell there's no heaven for me in the end I wasn't even happy I'm earth. Why is it I know know sad words? Because I am being punished again. Everyday when I wake up I ponder why am I here and why won't I change. I'm so sick of being broken. I'm so tired of the broken. I just have to move far away from this ghost town. I gotta get myself together and leave this place or I'll just remand the same or worst. So why haven't I started yet? Maybe because I'm scared that something horrible will happen like I hire the wrong people and get hurt? But I can't keep letting these people ruin me. Need more information. Also need to do something else instead of this never ending circle of hell break the cycle. Start new you said it over and over stop typing it and just do it already. Find the movation to get unstuck. Screw this dying society find one that's not suffering. Also need to find better connections in life when it comes to family. I'm so tired of it all. I just want to move far away with a great job with awesome new people and my own damn family. I'm sick of being sick I'm sick of being here doing the same thing with the same people crying sadness crying. I can't do this no more God help me.