dear corna..

Virus or no virus I'm stuck here in this hell house. I've already been living an antisocial life for 15 plus years now. Here you are telling me 6 feet away or 6 ft burried under. I kinda wish I was an animal. I still see people outside walking their pets. I just keep thinking I wish I could go back to when there wasn't no sickness. Other people are finding it hard to breathe and I'm finding it hard to wake up from day to day. There's no purpose here all alone dying deadly. If they opened beaches in other states does that mean we can travel? How do you even get into the water with a face mask on? Everything is supposed to be shut down but you can have a beer it's essential. Minium wage your essential works some say sacafical. I on the other hand would rather die then to have to work under these conditions. Not like I ever had a real job anyways. Not like I don't already suffer from social disease. I see you people all grouped up with your friends, loved ones, even animals. Here I am covid or no covid nothing changes I remain the same. Sometimes I wish I couldn't breathe when I think about the dead fish smell or the ozzing like a zombie and the blood. I get so dizzy can't sleep can't focus on tomorrow. I need to get out of here and explore, move, change end this hell. It feels like but instead I'm just sitting here waiting. Waiting on the virus to end waiting for the world to change. Waiting for a new life to take place. I hate waiting fuck that; how can I live when we are dying how can I live life like it's my last day on Earth without feeling incomplete? 

stay at home

I can't take this shit no more. I don't want to stay at home anymore it's sickening. Fuck this damn covid shit I'm already upset and depressed now I'm feeling worst. I went outside the past three days and played in the damn dirt and grass but still I'm sick of this ghost house it's too damn boring here. No social life wow really I already was living like this thank you for making it 10xs worst. Well I guess I'll sit here and smoke. 

what now?

Why do I even bother no one will ever read this shit and give me a proper diagnoses of what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I keep doing this? I think it's because not a person of one itself can make a change on their own. So it'll just stay the same like a frozen cube that has never felt heat. Solid and unmoved stuck lifeless. 

is it the end?

Well, if it's the end of the world I guess I'm ready because I'm sick of sitting here in silence. What is life anyways? I'm so tired if the samething happening at the same place over and over again. It's an endless cycle always on repeat. What am I supposed to do now? Everytime I try to play a game it becomes a waiting game I just sit here and wait for a fireteam. As I sit here and waste my life away I thought no about it and how it relates to all things in life. Life is a waiting game. Sure I could find something else to do but the same problem will exist. I could time into tv or radio to try to disguise the suffering but then what it will still end up being the same cycle on repeat. So thank you to all the people who are there to make life worthwhile. I don't even know what to say no more I can't say hello I can't even start the game. I'm just sitting here at the starting line kicked before I even get a chance to try. I'd rather try and fail then to not be able try at all. What is in my next life is there a better place? Show me the light how it feels to be happy and not feel pain. Why is it that it's easier to abotain pain but so hard to find happiness? Why are humans so complicated? What if I run out of time before I find a friend? My whole life I wrote page after page asking for a dream and the dream was to have friends. Still here in real life or virtual reality I still can't find them. I cried I'm depressed over and over every second turned into hours into days years etc. It's all on repeat. Here I am texting to myself over and over again. I'm not living the best life I wanted to live. This isn't the words I wanted to write. What is communication? What is teamwork? What is making memoriable moments? Will I ever make it past the starting line? Will this life ever end and a new beginning begin? Will the tears ever change over the years? When will the waiting end? Or will I just keep repeating the same shit over and over again?