fanastyland

Teach me to be kind and tell me how to love. Treat me like a princess. Be my best friend go places together and share magic. I might just be indifferent at first because it's a dream and I want to live like this. Introduce me to your family and I'll introduce you to mines. Tell me all your secerts. Hold my hand when we walk in public. Don't just be the voice but the action in every dream. Make a memory with me that I won't ever forget. It's a new day and a new beginning a new experience. In joy n pain always be there no matter what. Give me hope for tomorrow and so much more... 

headaches

I can't do this anymore Everytime I talk to a friend who says all the stuff I want to hear but yet I know they are all lies because if any of that was true I would be living that type of life and not just dreaming it. It hurts too much to think about it. I've avoided it and lived alone with my truth all my life. I know it won't change so I need to live without thinking seeing believing acting. Plus you lied you've had the experience I haven't had. oneday you will move on and I'll still be here with my solidutude it will hurt but I'll be okay because I never had anything to begin with. Why so I feel like my head is pounding and someone ripped out part of my brain. Am I loosing myself my mind my memories. Yes and no not like you shared any of those things with me. But still I am missing something. I'm supposed to wait forever until all those things happen in realife, but you know what scares me I won't ever be apart of it. Which makes me wonder what always put me to a halt. What always stops me? Or maybe it's because I'm waiting for something....

trying to find the source

Since 2005 I've been suffering with a virus and I'm starting to forget how it feels to not be in pain. So the other morning I found a bug crawling in me so I called out and bed bug inspector and he said I don't have bed bugs but he just looked with a flashlight. Maybe there are bugs or something there you need a microscope for because it's the only item in my room that I brought with me from my apartment. Also the only time I remember not being broken out is last summer when I stayed at Ireland and New Jersey and not in my own bed. So I ordered a new bed and soon I will see if I am right about this. I'm sick of being sick. 

no comments ever

I made a vow to myself to never say no always say yes and keep all my promises never break them. Because I know in my heart that is what it takes to be happy and be a good person. Others will love you for it. And if I fail and I can't do something I will try my best to make it work. I never really learned how to deal with rejection or how to handle someone who always says no. All I ever do is cry. I talk to myself each and everyday. I know all ill ever have is myself. It's just me, myself, and I how sad is that? Why won't you read me like a book? Maybe then you could give me some guidance or advice on what I'm doing wrong? 

life after death

Maybe after the world ends or I die first I'll finally meet you. When I'm gone I will find my heaven. You will teach me how to smile. You will end all the silence and sorrow I lived with day after day. Will you share all of yourself with me and I will break walls and tell you everything. I will be fearless. Throughout it all the good and the bad and everything in-between. You will bring life love and family to this new world. I want to know all experience all with you. You give me purpose and hope for the future. You won't wanna spend a single day without talking with me or seeing my face. We will know the unknowning. We will write our story together. I will finally know what true happiness is. Our hearts will beat as one. You won't ever have to question me because you already know everything there is to know. You will as I will love everything about me and you. You given so much that no one has ever given me time for. You will bring me out if my darkness into the light and I will glow. If you save me I'll save you. You are the dream. You will never let me go. I am yours forever. I will make you smile fill your void. I will listen and be patient with you. Unbreak my heart. You will care for me when I'm not okay. We will be okay together no matter what. I complete you and you complete me. You are the prince if my story and I'm still waiting on you....

why am I stuck?

No one knows all the pain I'm in no gives a shit about it no matter how hard to try day to day to erase it and pretend that I'm okay I just can't do it. Why do I live this way and what is wrong with me why haven't I been able to change it? I know I deserve this because of what I've done but why can't I just move past this. How can I fix this? I don't want to think about it I just want to forget and move on to feeling happy and not so broken I but everyday remains the same and there's nothing to replace it with. I even tried so many times to pretend everything is okay with me went to church prayed etc. But still I struggle with this feeling everyday. Everyday I cry and look at my life and I don't want to live like this I tell myself I need to change but nothing ever happens. Sometimes I think I'm okay being here alone at least I can't be hurt by the way I might be treated by others but I'm sick of living in fear and sick of being sick. This isn't the story I wanted to tell. The silence remains here daily. The sickness inside my skin won't go away and maybe it's my fault maybe I deserve this. Why did you break me so far down that I'll never know what it's like to feel anything good? How the hell am I supposed to move past this? First you left me alone to be a single mom then you allowed to me to take a life that caused me to be sick then you allowed my cousin to do something he wasn't supposed to. Then you left me here trying to mend all this shit on my own. I can't even speak about it. God why didn't you give me a shield or weapon to protect myself with? Why must I live in silence? And with this sickness? I never received any support for any of this. I can't even talk about it. I still feel like a failure in everything no matter what it is. Time hasn't even healed my wounds physically or mentally. Also when I think of death I think of you being with the other members of my family that are gone and I never had the time to share with you anything I hope that there is another realm where you are loved with them. It's fucked up to think this way but I never had the chance to think or care. I've just always been so broken. I still am broken so is my son he didn't turn out the way I hoped for. I didn't even succeed in this lifetime either. Everyday is a struggle but still I try to move  past all this and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to make things better. 

is the world ending?

People are going nuts all over the place killing and stealing because of bad cops. My family is dying. Virus is still out there. So much for new beginnings it looks like I'm going to be stuck here all summer. Probably just end up dying here alone very sad. All I do is ingore all the violence in the world and pretend that nothing is happening but I can't live life trapped here in this hellish world like this. I can't even sleep right I have nightmares. I pretend everything is okay and that I'm okay on the outside but on the inside I can't take it anymore. I just can't take anymore of this God needs to bring more hope for tomorrow just like he allowed people to go space. I'm so tired of living life in fear and isolation something needs to change now. Also I'm not ready to die I still haven't found myself or my soulmate. There's so much in life I haven't gotten to experience. I will continue to live in my bubble or my fairytale Dreamland until things get better. Will it ever get better? I need hope so.