carefree

Whatever happened to feeling carefree? Stress-free painfree. Where's the excitement. What happened to just feeling normal being able to smile. Where's the joy? Where's the ability to just be able to relax. Where did all the happiness go. I just want to forget my troubles and your troubles and just be okay. What ever happen to inspirational conversation? Where's the pleasure. 

ouch

Pain follows me everywhere I go from first grade at school I failed. I was told I wasn't smart enough. It happened again and again as I got older. No one ever wanted to be friends with me just beat me up and make me feel so small. They laughed at me called me names. I used to create an invisible box around me. Constantly biting my nails sucking my thumb, but later I stopped. Don't feel sorry for me I've hated that everyone always told me they are sorry. I used to feel like the sorriest person in the whole world. As I grew older I changed and grew into an bitter evil person they gave me a shell. Then I snapped out of that then became something else. Always throwing me with the damaged and broken until I became one of them. Now I ask God for help but am I even desivering? I can't even spell is this the right word? I don't even care no more. I can't even stand up for myself. I'm such a loser. I'm always begging for everything and crying all the time that never makes anything better. I wish I was stronger I wish I could plot and plan to change things to my advantage. But I'm scared I don't know how I never know anything. So I faced myself and looked into what I want others to see I tried to fix me but I failed again. I tried to make a better image of myself but deep inside it never worked. I'm sick of awaiting your acceptance. I'm becoming someone else I don't know what yet but hopefully it'll be me. I used to think I was the problem because too many people outnumbered me. I might just stand alone here but I don't feel the hate you inflicted on me when your not there to make me feel like shit. I like it much better. No one can judge me now but me. I can do better without but not really though I believe I can have done better with. Even still I'm unsure of myself and I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm just done for now...

wounded

It's sad to say some wounds just won't leave a scar. Tightness takes over and controls the ache in my muscles and my blood won't circulate and my hands and feet fall to sleep, but I'm still awake. Your draining all the life out of me. Please end this insanity. There's no controlling it; it's denailable. You won't let me feel human. This is not natural. Desperation and insomnia start to kick in again. Later the head trama will begin again like on an instant replay. I can't avoid I can't control it. I soak it up it seems to numb the pain although it a temporary relief until it replays again. How can I break this cycle? It's building up inside me again breaking me into a monster. Where or how will I find the cure for my diesase. This reality is a living nightmare. What can I do what can I say to ease the pain. 

a path unknown

Where will transcends take us? Will it take a movement. Building bricks in our minds. Will we ever tear down these walls. Will we ever break free from these capulses or will we fall victim to a society from which we don't need. Reengingerize renewal develop a new field of view. Capture a different state of mind. Loose yourself then find yourself again. 

friday

Aunt Teresa looks better today she got that tube out of her nose. She's been in the hospital all summer. It's sad how there's too many sick people in my family. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I just bought myself a book called the hidden plauge. Ryan is complaining because he keeps finding blood in his bathroom. Aunt Debbie keeps bleeding and not cleaning up after herself. I think she needs to go to a doctor maybe get off whatever meds she's taking that is ruining her. 

half broken

Well my aunt and little cousin came to stay over. It definitely killed the silence, but there's still apart of me that still feels sad and soulless. My aunt has skin problems not the same as mines. I guess I'm not the only one with problems. Then again being around young children helps with feeling normal again. It's nice to have someone around to play pretend with. Still I find myself a bit sad Everytime we play dollhouse she always makes the toys get married and have babies which bothers me because inside I'm not okay but I pretend I'm ok and just keep playing. I've spent so many years here alone with any social life besides my playstation I forget what it what like to be alive again. I forgot what it was like to have a child next to me wanting to lay on and and kiss my cheek while watching tv. Oh yeah and tickling. All I could was think about I can't remember when Ryan was so little he used do that stuff with me. He's so much grown apart from me. All he does is say in his room and it's like a crime to even hug him. Then my mind wondered off again. Maybe that's why I'm in so much pain because I killed my baby 15 years ago all because all I could remember is I'm not ready to be a dad. But maybe I should forgive myself although I never really did and I thought I was supposed to suffer for this. But maybe it's not me I just have been so isolated for so long I forgot how it felt to be human. Or maybe it's because children bring out the light when you've been living in the dark for so long. I dunno what's wrong with me but it was nice not feeling rejected or abused. I feel like I've spent too many years begging to fit into a job or school or anything at all really that I never really got to spend time with family. I remember I used to always spend the weekends with my cousins and their kids growing up. It wasn't so bad as trying to fit in the world with people my age or even younger. Seeing all the positive energy that it brings makes me wonder why have I been left in the dark for so long? I know it's helping my aunt cope too even if she doesn't say it or show it. I think it helps her feel better about herself at her age. We are kind of in the same boat here. And there's still so much I dunno about everything. I wish I could just fix everything and everyone but I know it's not possible. Sometimes I can nearly even fix myself. But at least we have each other to help make new memories and heal each other. I'll miss them when they are gone. I just gotta learn how to get myself out in the world and find change, but then again I've searching for that my whole life. I guess it's just hard because everyone is wearing masks and there's no music to distract me anymore. I always felt like my purpose in life was just to keep going to shows and trying to do this or that but since everything has been stay at home. I'm starting to see things in a different picture. Speaking of pictures I need to start a new story find a new beginning.....

how to become real?

I wanna need to know how to be real. How am I supposed to be real person instead of everything feeling so fake. I wanna know what it is to experience the simple things in life. Like call me over to hangout. Let's go shopping together or just sit at home watching tv, or even take a walk. Ride bikes together or go-to a park. Whatever happened to being real? I feel like I've lost everything that makes me feel alive. Where is my humanity? Share a true story with me. Make things happen or even read a book with me. Why is it so hard for me to do this? 

dating apps

As I look into dating apps I see men with their beautiful pics of their lives. And I sit here crying thinking I don't stand a chance like I'm never going to be good enough I'm too broken and I can't find anyone because I'll never be good enough. When I reflect onto myself what do I see someone who is crying out for attention love friendship etc. But then I see someone who is broken has suffered from abuse neglect and pain. I don't have those types of photos to share like you do of friends outside workplace or outings. When I look at my photos it's all fake there's no real attachment. Help me change this.

can u hear me?

Will you dianogose me? There's something wrong with me. I don't have the power or control to move from this room. I'm isolated here by myself in silence everyday driving me mad. I wish I could go to church and pray for help but I'm too scared. The world is scary place everyone is sick or wearing a mask. I wish I could got a party. Or adventure out to see the unknown. But here I am trying to find away to stay sane while I suffer the silence of being alone in a room day after day. Social media doesn't help no one shares their stories with me or communicate s they way I wish they would. I feel so disconnected so broken inside when that's all I ever wanted to to feel like I'm apart of something. I just want to feel needed connected unforgotten. Worthy of something somehow. 

needed

Your amazing voice. The sweet sound of pleasant words. The journey and excitement. The purpose the reason to continue. The team to give a hand. The pathway to something bigger better new. Give and take. Rise and fall. A sense of belonging a reason to wake up each and everyday. Catch me when I fall over. I dunno wanna wait forever forever will be too late. Do I have enough time left to begin? 

mad

Here it goes against and again time wasted. I sit here alone angle to achieve anything just wasted time. I sit here all day on this game and I can't progress. It's just like everything else in life which I don't have. I just sit here and wait for a helping hand and try by myself to only find more grief. So what back to writing this shit again and again. It never changes. I'm sick of texting no one can hear me or help me. Tears fall down my face from anger my fist meets my face. And then I keep walking around try to find these damn animals but I can't. What if I just stand here texting for help or staring at the clock. I did that the other day begging for help. Only thing happened was the clock s hours had changed. Then I find some people who help me get tags and I don't get the ones I need to make it to the next rank. Then I'm stuck here alone in solidutude silence and miserable. But yet if I tell anyone they will say I'm dark or I'm the one with the problem. How the hell is it me? When all I do is try and have patience and beg for help but get no place at all???? I wouldn't be so angry if this wasn't happening. Now would I no....I'd be moving along to something else. I'd see improvement progress but instead I see NOTHING!!!

I need to be saved

Dear God please save me I'm in so much pain I'm scared that things won't ever get better and I'll break over the edge and hurt myself. Help me please. I can't live like this no more please change this. Make me healthy and end the silence. It seems to only get worse over time. I thought with time things are supposed to get better but it's the opposite. But then again I can't even say I have sudicidal thoughts because I wouldn't want my life insurance to not pay my son if something did happen to me. They don't pay if you off yourself. I'm just so mad. I wish I could destory others. I wish other people could understand or feel my pain.

done

I hurt myself again but it feels good to feel pain something is better then nothing. Still thinking about making scars in my face to match the rest of me. Maybe then the silence would go away. Still unable to do that. I figure since I can't fuck myself I'll cut myself instead. Maybe I'll find something to choke myself with no one would ever know.