what is it?

What is a memory just something that fades away with time. It's never so clear as it once was at the time of it's creation. I was reading this book I just bought recently and I started having flashbacks of another book I've read for school. Why is everything written and structure to everything but my life? Maybe the true God isn't in any textbook. Then I began to think about what is heaven? What will heaven be like is it something that I will dream about or the things I've not yet experienced, but want so much in life that I'll get them when I reach heaven? Will I even make it to heaven because I've let man destory my innoance? God always answer with the same lines encircling in my brain yes you will suffer but you will remain true and follow... Buy still what about the people who already have everything in life what's their version of heaven? Or is heaven just a place you reside and what will you have do once I get there? There's been so many times when I thought to myself I can't wait to enter your kingdom because isn't supposed to be everything good, happiness, full of love, respect, kindness etc.? It's made me not fearless of death because I can't wait until I can find you until you save me. There's been more then most my life when your the only person I can talk to. I have always thought you to be the invisible person, the one to save me when I reach heaven, but is that what heaven really is? I don't think it is or is it? Most people say that heaven is the place you go to see your loved ones again, but I've lived my whole life without loving anyone. That's not heaven to me that's just more islocation and pain and misery. So what is heaven really like? because if all the things I always desired is part of humanity. Then what's in heaven for me? If Ive never felt blessed on earth. What will you have for me in heaven and why do I want that much more then wanting to be here? maybe your answer is your always here now and later, but you only will save later. I don't know so lost. You know there's something wrong with me. I just want to feel equal values and worthiness, acceptance, strength, etc. Your the only one whoever listens to me, but I feel like your just like all the rest at times never there to meet me halfway. Never spoken to. Just an dream or islosion, but in those dreams of heaven for me maynot be what heaven actually is. Maybe because it's your domain and maybe I'll never find any real place to belong. Or maybe you could have plans for me in your kingdom that will allow me to be happy because you know I never was truly happy here on earth. Mankind isn't as heavenly and kind as you are I need someone sinless to save me. Hasn't that all I ever asked for? Tell me what's wrong with me why am I not blessed with love? I'm tired of feeling like I'd do anything and everything just for other humans but they won't do the same for me. Will you fight for me? Will you show me the positive things I live without daily? Will you show me how to be honest open kind loving and caring? Maybe that's heaven? Will I feel like I'm part of something and not just a passive listener? Will you cleanse me of all my sins and make me pure. Will you guide me to the light that's burning inside me and treat me the same as I do you? And there it is again I know I'm living in hell and waiting to reach heaven but I can't do it alone or maybe I can but it's not what I think. Will you help me if my eyes are bleeding from the toxic people that I still don't turn away. Will you make sure I don't loose myself or end up like them. Please don't turn me into that. God please help me be beautiful loving honest unbroken person I was supposed to be. Please help me when I get angry because I feel like I've done all the work by myself unsupported while others just say there and fed off me. Help me find the strength to not be so mean and angry about those acts of support and kindness. The helping hands the teamwork the dreams I've had of feeling equally working together on small to big things from getting people around me to walk in their own shoes and make their own life plans,  including cooking to cleaning, etc. That's all I honestly ever wanted and still want. You feel like I don't have to do all this alone. You feel like you wanted to support me and help me because that's in your heart. I shouldn't have to ask for it it's a given. God why don't I get it why must I constantly have to wait and suffer? I just want to create a better life, a better picture, to feel happy. I will try my best to continue being the best of me and better improve myself each day. But I need your help. Also I don't wanna think of god as the father anymore because you know how broken that makes me feel. Show me what real heaven is and please protect me from lies and destruction. And most importantly god is telling me now don't like them take advantage of you because you have released the light and they will try to burn it out. But this that's all I ever asked to be saved from. Save me from the disruptive mankind. So if heaven is a place that you envision then I will receive all the love and support and kindness from men and family that I never truly felt I had. I would be blessed with gifts that make me feel like I'm apart of the family. I wouldn't need to feel like I'd bend over backwards and do anything for anyone else but they won't do anything for me. So please don't allow anyone on earth to take from me and not give the same amount back. I feel like I'm turning evil again because I'm so tired of not feeling equal. Show me what it means to have a kind heart without asking for it. Teach me what it is to be real and live that dream not just dream it. Help me feel like the people do love and respect and are helpful and not just money hungry. God please save me from that. Save me from the people who claim they love me but yet are too poor to do nice things for me or with me. Don't let them take, take, take and leave me hanging out with that terrible feeling that I can't change because I'm stuck in hell. Silence, nothing, broken emptiness penniless, .etc all the evil take it away. Show me you want me around take me places, invite me, share things with me, do things with me, without feeling like you have to show me what a true heart is because God knows I'm still waiting......

I don't understand

How can you keep going on wanting to live another day without hearing my voice or seeing me face. How can you keep living without speaking to me. I can't take this shit no more it's driving me crazy. It hurts so much. I don't wanna go a single day without you. Why do I live with this constant sadness. Will I ever be whole will you ever fill the void in my heart that keeps me broken inside? I suffer daily why didn't you care for me? I need you so much your all I ever needed wanted. All I could ever dream about. Why are u keeping me hell? Please help me. I hope someday you will wake up and realize how broken and soulless you are without me. I need you love more than anything in this world. Everyday is a struggle without you in my life. Without you all I ever have is this constant longing that never ends. Sure there's always another day ahead of me but me without love is a battle I'm always loosing. Please find me soon. 

daily

Last night I went to bed around ten o'clock that's too early for me but it just was because I had this very sharp painful headache. It's like every month now I've been getting these headaches where my left eye would water a small amount. You can feel pain in your head and eye and nose. This time it switched to my right side. I had a but trouble falling to sleep. Ryan gave me a bottle of water and an aspirin. I can't believe it he is actually was nice to me. I'm not used to this. I feel asleep thank god no sharp headache. Only problem now is I'm up too early in the morning. It's almost 5am now. I threw be away my paper towel I used to cover my eye while holding my head and eye last night. Oh yeah I kept seeing this orange firey circle while my eye was closed. The black emptiness with a circle like a donut in the middle. Then it flated out became 2-d and the middle was soild orangy cream color. Like I could jump into it. I fell to sleep.

stressed out

Why am I still here? What is my purpose? Everyday is a battle that I just can't win. I'm searching for the light in me, but it's just so hard when all you see is the darkness. I used to think that if I prayed to God that things would get better that life would improve. I used to think if I just kept going to school, church, and seeking employment that I would find happiness within myself and that someday I'll find someone to love me, but lately I feel like I've lost everything. The whole world is dying. I feel really stressed out because I've lost everything that was supposed to make me better. Now I just stay at home everyday dreaming of a better life. I want to have a better life I need to change. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I find the help I need to succeed? Where is my savior? There's so much I haven't done yet. I want a new beginning. A new story to tell something that brings me happiness. I wanted to explore the unknown. I wanted to adventure out of my own bubble into a new place. I was better before but now I'm just tired of feeling like I have no future. It's like I'm constantly waiting for covid to end so I can get back to my struggle of self improvement. It just stressed me out so much. At least I can write about how I feel, but I really want to change things. I want to enjoy being here. God please help me find away to enjoy this life. Help me to not feel so much stress. Help me find away to feel better and be better. Help me start again. 

how I feel

When I had my surgery I didn't want to wake up. I just wish I could dream the rest of my life away. I feel like I don't have nothing to live for. I'm sick of being sick I just want the pain to end. If death can bring me that then I'm truly ready god take me away from this place. I don't want to live the rest of my life with this feeling of sickness. I'm never going to learn to live with it or be happy because of it. I never wanna wake up again. The pain it even hurts my eyes. I don't wanna 👀see myself like this no more. I can't feel anything but worthless, slience, misery, sickness, and pain. I just want it to end. I thought by having surgery I would become pretty not this ugly frankstein/zombie. All I know is I can't live with myself looking and feeling this way. It has to end I either need to be beautiful or dead. It's not just my physical being with the problems it's my society and social world too. All I see is pain and suffering and other sick people. I need to see perfection. It's a mixture of alot of things. I don't seem to feel anything at all but happiness when I dream so I'm hope death is like that. You may think. Suicidal but I'm not I don't choose to harm myself. I didn't get to choose this virus chose for me. Also I'll never learn to cope with this I'll always be broken until that day when the gates of heaven open up for me. Just know when I'm gone that finally at peace and I can finally be happy now. 

live events

Live life live events without them I don't have no purpose in life. There's no point in living anymore. I'm in a state of depression. When will this end? When will I be able to feel alive again? I'm loosing hope. Hope for life love and my humanity. Give me back my life. Let me run outside. Give me freedom and peace. Give me purpose. Give me opportunity. Give me bruises and hugs. Give me a voice to speak with. Now all I do is sit at home alone in the darkness. It's hard to mend. I don't wanna breathe. Still I'm here trying my hardest to be patient. All my life I've been seeking and searching for an experience and now it feels like I'll never get there. God please help me find the path back to opportunities. Please don't shut me out no more. Please don't let me be forever stuck at home because you know my home is broken and I'm miserable here. I don't want to live in a world where I have to stay at home in this hellish lifeless, loveless, prison. I need to get away far away from here. I need a new start in a new place where I have a chance to better myself and everything else in my life please don't take this away from me. Why does it feel like just when I was ready to take myself a step further in life you pushed me me under and now I'm stuck here in hell for eternity. My ears are bleeding here my eyes can't handle the pain. God please show me the beauty in the world. Give me back my opportunity for a tommorow. 

call me crazy

Well this is very unusual my cousin actually said she wants to do something nice for me. I've never experienced this before this should be interesting. I'm used used to hearing "no" all the time and crying about money. I'm not sure what it would be like to have her actually doing something nice for once ever. That's even if it even happens. Feels like some sort of mircale. Well that would be a new change. 

what I ask of god

During these hardtimes when it feels like the end of the world. Show me how to be the light and receive the light in this dark era. Help me learn to how value and trust in others. Teach me how to feel worthy. Take away some of my burdens. Help me find balance. Give me cooperation. Show me how to be a friend or a lover. Teach me how to better myself and others. Help me find a place to live and work where I will feel valued and not broken and worthless. I can see what the problem is please god help me fix these things. I can't be what I'm meant to be it succeed in my own. You know I try and try over and over again. It just brings me down to a dark place I can't survive. Sometimes I wonder why still continue to try again and again. Lift me up and save me from this nightmare. Please god give me the balance I need to make it all better. Accept me for who I am. Prepare me for my next journey. 

what's wrong with me this is...

Always feeling disconnected like I'm not able to receive the right kind of help. There's a lack of support in my life. Why should I always have to make a suggestion or ask for it? why can't I just receive the support I need? This always ends up being the results of my sadness. Still I always carry all the weight of everything and proceed forward. I just keep keeping that I could change this but I can't do it alone. This is always how I become a failure. Even when I try so hard to do all this by myself in the end it never works because your not being supportive. So to anyone out there who wants to see me improve anything then be what I need to better myself and my life. I will do my best to share the samething with you. It can be from small helping hands to larger tasks. It can be from love to hate friendships, families, work and fun. It also can be from communication or physical duties. Simple things like just making someone smile, or larger things like paying for something, or even building something new. One thing I know about myself is I constantly seeking and waiting for this to happen. I continue to do everything on my own but it really does bother me that I never feel like I get the support I need. I'm still waiting.......

myself

What I want to do is change everything. I constantly waiting on covid to end to start my beginning. I need an agent so I can move. Where to unknown all I know is I need to explore new places to start a better path. So I'm need a five year plan. I'm need steps to take 

1 move hire agent

2 get into a new school

3 get new job again hire a agent

4 make ryan get a job

5 healthy dieting

So it seems everything is on hold and I'm getting tired of waiting so step 5 is the only one I can work on right now. Also I'm stuck on step 1 because I have no idea where I should go. 

what I believe

Life is good even in hardtimes as long as you have the right influences. I know I'm in the light. I know that I'm not what others think of me. No one will understand until I meet the right type of people who have a better understanding. I've wrote it over and over again. Yes it's normal to talk to myself. Don't communicate with those who only see everything as a fight to be battled. I am the page turner of truth. It bothers me when no one will understand. I will cut out all the toxic and start a new. Someday I'll be able to speak without feeling shitty. So if I ever cut you out of my social circle it's because you never gave me an opportunity to speak. Or it maybe all the things that have occurred time after time. It all leads up to something. It doesn't mean I don't care it's just means I can't fix it. At some point with somethings it's better to just give up when you can't fix it. I never been a quiter I've always tired to find a solution. Always try to make things better or nicer. 

unable

So what I'm thinking is not just one person but several people in my family have steered me wrong. My mother, my cousin, my son. I'm unable to trust anyone because of the quality of character. I'm not even allowed to speak about anything because if I do I'm always told I'm the one with the problem. I wish I wasn't related anyone then I wouldn't be treated the way I get treated. I'm a beautiful person when I'm alone. I just don't know how I'm stay kind, trusting forgiving, etc. God and text give me my freedom of speech without negative judgement. My mother always says the samething over and over again. I don't treat her right. That she wished she never left me this house and all the stuff she did. How the hell am I treating her wrong she doesn't even explain. All she does all the time is talk about how everyone is stealing her money. All she ever talks about is money. And I'm always hearing her tell me to get a job and even if I do that she yells the ones I get aren't good enough. She never tells at ryan to do anything at all. She yells at me when I ask him to do stuff. Like he's supposed to do nothing but sit around and get fat and be miserable. But isn't that what my family members always shown me. When I look at all the anger and overweight problems and health problems it makes me angry. I don't want that at all. I've always tried to better myself, but still I'm told I'm wrong for saying this or that. It's like no matter what I do I'm always wrong. I can't even speak most of the time because I'll get hit physically or mentally verbally or both. Just because nothing will ever make you happy or you can't change your ways doesn't mean I need to be like you. I've always felt like I don't belong here. Then she says stuff like my doctor wants me to see a neutrisoist but I already know what I'm supposed to eat. I tell her she does need one but she's the type of person who won't listen. She thinks she knows everything if she did she wouldn't be so fucked up. Also she keeps buying my son food he eats too much. It drives me mad. He doesn't even ration. But yet they all make me feel bad because I say I like this or don't like that or will it won't something like I'm the problem. It's so hard for me to change and better myself when I think about all my family does the same shit and gang up on me. It's like because I don't fit into your ways of doing things so I'm not good enough. But yet I'm the smallest person out of them. And yes I don't wanna be like them and I won't change for them. I've seen what it does to them. Just like I've seen the excuses of money is the reason for all your problems. I will not ever change. I just wish they wake up before it's too late. I've told her you can't buy me and I can't always do what u want when u want. I also can't fix the anger you feel with dad. I told her to kick him out or call the cops. She did something to make him angry and he threw a fork at the wall putting a hole in it. She's mad cause all he does is go-to casinos. He won't do any work around the house for her not even goto the hospital with her. When I'm around it's a different story he starts doing things and then he complains like I do how no one ever helps him and he's sick of doing it alone. Mom says we are like because we are. Don't complain and fight just get it done, but yet he still gets lazy. I don't talk about wanting to kill people and crazy stuff like he does though. Also I don't blame other racists for problems. I blame the designers, the economy, the zoned locations and also the quality of character. There's always respect and disrespect. I always keep my eyes and ears open. It just hurts me when I feel like I'm not allowed to speak as my true self. Mostly I'm so done and tired with trying to fix other people. I just want to focus on making myself a better person. I'm tired of being judged for being different. Communication is very important but lots of times it's so hard to do that's why my entire life has been in text. I know I'm a light within the darkness. I'm just tired of no one ever letting me be me without the compassion or understanding. And yet I'll still continue to be this no matter what. I don't like to live in the past. I'm forever searching for change a new experience. I don't live in yesturday but for tomorrow. I'm just so tired of hearing mom talk about stuff she did in the past doesn't she see that the things you do and say tomorrow change your future. If I still hung on to past stuff I'd go crazy because most of my family's past consisted of drugs, abuse, voilience, health and mental problems. That is why I never felt like I belong here. That's why I always wanna choose strangers over family. That is why I will not follow that path. That's also the reason why I have built so many walls around myself. I don't know what's going on with Debbie I hope she's not dying. It seems like Everytime someone in my family is close to death or they are broken they start spending more time with me. Not sure what's going on here. Guess I'll find out soon. 

learning

One thing I know I need to start doing now is stop stop sacrificing everything for the sake of others. Stop trying to make everyone else pleased. I need to out myself first for once in my life. Not only myself but think about the reaction of another. I can't make everyone happy. I need to have some bountries. How will you feel if you are constantly making everyone else happy but yourself? No one will care because they are greedy. It's not easy to let go. It never is and now that you know this you know what you have to change. I still still be kind and thoughtful, but drawlines because if you don't you'll end up broken. And never forget treat others like they treat you. Do for others not just because they want something from you but because they actually care. Also always remember to think and think before making a decision. And stop feeling like a bad person because you are not. Sometimes it's okay to change your mind. 

all this....

All these broken souls they don't know my heart. Timing is never what the soul desires. Don't let drown. I'm going round in circles. Can you change me from the monster you made me. Nobody cares if I'm dead or alive. I'm on the edge of a knife. My demons are real. I'm so blinded. Are you just as broken as me? While you improved your quality of life. I still remain here with the broken beating and the abursied. Still searching for a better way out. How can I make my out from the problematic people in my life? I'm praying for what seems like a miracle. My soul needs to be surrounded by the beautiful wise and successful people. What does it take to throw away all the toxic thoughts. A happy person who can share a dream made into reality. Open your eyes open your heart to the power of a better lifestyle. I still continue to push on to make everyday brighter but I feel at lost because I haven't found anyone to share the light with. Teach me how to be loved. Am I worth it do I deserve it? That's the experience feeling that I wish I could endure. It's simple for everyone else but me I feel so emotionless. Why is so easy to feel pain but so hard to obtain happiness? Tell me what I need to do to fix this? How much longer will it take? how long do I have to keeping praying for a better tomorrow? I want to meet a stranger until your not. Break down these walls. Show me I have nothing to fear. I'm looking for a lifeline that seems like a lifetime. Is there anybody out there who feels the same? I wanna create a better story. A new adventure, a better outlook in life, and a new beginning. I know I'm meant to feel special, but I can't do it alone. Oh god please bless me. I need to know there there are endless possibilities. Will you be the fuel to my fire? Help me find you. I wanna know what's going on inside that head of yours. Do you believe in magic? Your my wavelength in my sound byte. What's your fantasy? Give me the strength I need to proceed.  It's a war I'm not winning. How will find the the help I need? Tell me how am I supposed to look at myself I'm the mirror without the feeling of wanting to die? Why won't you save me? I know it's not okay I know I'm not okay. It's like what do I have to live for now? How will I keep continuing to live this way? I know it will only get worse with time it never gets better. I know I'll never fully heal but why do I have to suffer alone? It's like I have to find someone who is blind or worst off more than I am. I can't even obtain that. I just wish this heavy burdien would end. I want to feel beautiful and worthy. Why must I always feel so sad? This isn't the story I had in mind. I wanted so much more but that's not happening. I've never had anyone close to me just when I was standing in a crowd and hearing the same suffering I'm experiencing made me feel like I'm not the only one. Now I don't feel nothing at all anymore just the islocation. Just more and more absence in my life. I can try to pretend I'm okay and cover up everything everyday but it always remains it never goes away. Too bad for me the virus in me wasn't human because then I'd know it would always be there for me forever. Would you be my virus? If I can't accept having to live like this how in hell would anyone else? Because I know it's wrong it's not right. I don't hate myself I hate what I can't control. I will continue to pray but I'm loosing my faith. I've actually been praying for heaven. I just want this nightmare to end. It's like no matter what I try to do to make this better it only continues to get worse. Why does it have to be so hard? Why is it so hard to feel okay but so easy to feel pain? How will I ever be happy? I'm so tired of pretending. I would make one hell of an actress with how I pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I just wish I could fall to sleep and never wake up again. It would be so much easier. God please save me. I lived in hell on earth so please help me find heaven. Where's the light to cast out these shadows? Show me how to feel good. Help me feel better. Show me what I'm missing make me apart of greatness. Put me in the right direction. Help me please end my suffering. Please take this curse away and let me be free to start anew. Let me rise above this and find beauty. Help me excel to a new experience a better quality of life. Give me the hope I need to make it through this storm. 

what I need

A friend a fighter a lover open and honest commitment. Explore the unknown until it's something worth experiencing. The best and the worst part of me. How am I supposed to make someone crazy over me? How. I supposed to ever be happy? How am I ever supposed to have any dreams? When will I ever stop feeling worthless? When will I ever feel like I'm complete. How will I ever break out of this darkness and see the light? How am I supposed to rebuild my broken heart? When will I ever stop feeling like I'm just talking to myself? Where's the magic? 

why won't I stop

Why won't I stop hurting myself? it's all my fault I keep talking to the same person thinking that it will help but it never does. why can't I just learn to let go find someone else who will tell me that I can't stand to go a single day without wanting to hear your voice or see you. I'll always be there for because I care about what's on your mind. I want to make you smile I never wanna see you sad. I want you to be happy and improve yourself. I'm interested in you and everything about you. I want to participate in the things you like doing. 

why even bother

Everything in life is just a waste of time anyways nothing will ever change. I'm sick of having to do everything on my damn own I can't even share anything who is supposed to be around for me? no your supposed to cheer your own damn self up you will forever be broken damaged and incomplete without a beginning nothing ever changes it all remains the same you know why your mad because no one will ever want to do anything that would make you happy. There is no man out there who will take the time to make you happy. I should change my name from christina to misery or crybaby. And no one knows how long Ive been drowning in tears every single night. I can't even rest in peace. I might as well just start making up a pretend life inside this journal since no one else gives a shit about me.

lost and alone

When I want to communicate and feel loved when I wanna feel alive your never there to build me up and and share your life you are just another song a written word intangible melody inside my head you only take take take then spit me out when your done you filled my heart with emptiness I got all emotional over myself I couldn't feel anything else I couldn't see you because you didn't come running for me so make your move where's the effort did you try or is this just always going to remain the same here I am alone with my own words raging inside of my head and I wish it would end I got a imagineary everything everything that was hopeful and positive was just a dream a wish upon star that couldn't ever make it to reality can you see my suffering nothing will seal this wound I'm just talking to myself again it a cycle that never ends will please teach me how to ......

repeat my to mind is is always on repeat

What do you do where you do go when everything remains the same the silence is always the biggest part of me it doesn't matter where or when because in the end it never begin in the first place just a quick moment that you'll never forget that you felt more alive than ever only to be taking away and then the cycle repeats stuck inside your own mind conversations with own yourself for too far now the only person who speaks is yourself let this destory me when will I be able to break free from this solitude and feel my humanity why wouldn't you let me be the better part of me I've filled my fingers with void my ears with silence my eyes with tears can you see my empty soul  can you fix what's broken will you ever take notice am I even alive or am I living in hell I can never tell your speaking in tongues but your heavenly father wasn't sending the communication so you held the weight of rejection time won't help you it doesn't matter where you go who u see they are all the same in the end there all a connection your just a fucked up rejection shun by reality the only friend your ever have is this piece of paper the only creation you ever known your in a wreck but you can't break away from whats killing you your the forsaken still awaiting for your savior to break the silence and fill your text with a new attitude that leads to the unbroken ....

the art of communication

This is my wakening I've never truly been honest with anyone in my life. I've always hidden everything and said nothing. I always blamed others for my own problems. Now I realize that I am the one with the problem and I just need to change that. I'm going to be a better person by instead of keeping silent about things and thinking the worst things. I'm going to be more honest and open to myself and others. I will be better at communicating with the truth from now on. 

there's is beauty in writing

There's so much power in the words that are written it can change your entire world. It can make your heart change its mind. It can set you free. It maybe an escape route to an unknown place. It's the light that shines through the darkness. It can be the key to unlocking something. The verses in your song. The emotion that makes me feel alive. The gift that God has given. When unspoken unable to speak or tell the truth because of fear the words written are honest. They set the tone and change the mood. They are apart of you they are your true self. They are your soul. They give purpose. They write my story. They are the biggest part of me.

cigarettes

You was there as my friend everyday of my life. You touched my hands went on walks with me. You touched my lips. You relieved my stress. You went everywhere I went. You spend all your time with me. You was addictive and bad for my health. You still remain there by my side and you speak to me when no one else would. Your all I ever had. I don't know how to quit. I filled my lungs with the toxic chemical s because you wouldn't save me. We wear the same bracelet have the same tattoos. No it wasn't ever true there was never a we just I am the destoryer of my own worth. When I can't breathe no more I'll blame you for not helping me pick up the pieces. Can u see me? Would u save me? Or I'll just continue let the smoke run through my veins. Its the only access you gave me. Why couldn't there have been a real person instead? They all disappear. Now I just reside in this cloud of smoke. 

I used to think...

When I was younger I used to think I'd be happy if I had my own home all I ever wanted was a house. Then later I got one and I was happy for a bit then I wanted more. I was told if I got a job I'd be happy so I did and I was still left unhappy. Then I started getting sicker and sicker. Where am I at now? I don't know what it takes to be happy anymore. I used to think I had experience with realtionship but I never have. I did marry a guy I only knew his dick and had a kid which made me a single mom. Then I had another guy I knew his dick and it made me a killer. I've never had a boyfriend I'm now 39 years old and still nothing has changed. I've tried church. I'm not sure what will make me normal, buy at least I'm now texting the truth. I've never had a bridesmaid or even a friend to hangout at the mall with what r friends?

wishing I could have this in the real

I value the light all the things I've lived without that I haven't seen or been provided with kindness communication, commit, obey, sharing, caring, etc. All things good that what I'll will cherish I'm finally waking up for me they have all been these dreams where everything brighter and people were nicer. The grass was greener. An helping hand, a friend, a lover, a builder, an infinite cycle of let's do this even when it's hard or when it's to create something so beautiful. Apprenticeship, appreciation, valued, you don't have to do this alone, teamwork makes the dreamwork, your a star even when your not, so let's just stop all this living in the darkness. Stop holding the weight of the world without no back up. Don't except me to lift you and then when I'm down your not around. Turn that frown upside down. Don't tell me it's not good enough because money which is the root to all evil is the problem why you can't do something about it. Don't be toxic because it's contagious be contagious because happiness makes all feel better and share and receive the joy. Don't be just "the taker" it's all give and take. What have you given back? Don't be that one-way road be that two way that collides. Be the engery that gives engery to others to help rise above and soar. Help a stranger help friend. Don't be the complainer. Don't tell me your problems about how ur life is so terrible because you allowed someone else to destory your inner light. Be strong be greatful. Learn to be better where better will be kind to you in return. 

I don't wanna wake up

Why can't I just sleep like a normal in person I'm sick of waking up in The middle of the night. What is wrong with me. I'm in have this really bad pain in my head again between it in and my left eye. I wish I could just sleep and have nice dreams and never wake up again because Everytime I wake up it's so hard to try to fill the long hours of each day with stuff to do. I've been praying for entry to heaven. I'm so tired of this never changing life of mines. God please forgive me and end this hell I'm living in. Please save me. The silence grows very long. The only thing I can hear is the sickness. 

pathway to enlightenment

Can I hold your hand and take a walk with you. Would you buy me ready to bloom flowers in soil just because you know I don't like the ones that are cut to death. Tell me what I'm worth and how you couldn't imagine spending a single day without me. Let's cry together, love together, and fight together. Tell me all your and fanastys. Go to church with me. Meet my parents introduce me to your parents. Call me just because you was thinking about me and miss me. Let's go horseback riding together. Let's go fishing together. Let's go to the mall together. Let's go to a country concert together. Let's cook together. Lets watch the sunrise and set together. Let's take photos together. Let's go swimming together. Camping, travel, movies, museums, dancing, sing, cuddle, build a project, paint, write poems, tell jokes, a Broadway show, cycling, skating, bowling, share ice cream, etc. What else have I've been missing out on experiencing? Plan a wedding marriage and sharing a life together. Building a dream home together. Rising children together. Taking care of pets together. Being blessed. Did I miss anything? What else am I missing out on experiencing with you my love? So now you know what I need in my life all that's missing is the time and effort you've put into this relationship. Create these things with me and I will unbreak from the darkness and finally reach the happiness that I truly desire. This is how my heart will open for you. 

enter the light

Teach me how to be a better person. Show me how to overcome fear. Make me feel like I'm not worthless. Take the time to speak. Show me what is it to be great. Will I ever be understood. How will I ever be appreciated or thankful. Teach me how to love show me that you care. Help me write about something beautiful. Dry my angry tears. Don't assume the worst of me give me time. Let me be understood. Don't let me keep talking to myself. Give me hope. Bring out the light and show me what happiness is. Without your help I don't know how to even begin on my own. I don't wanna be broken forever. 

how to...

How am I supposed to fix the broken I need to repair the damage. I want a new story something nice to say. Something to smile about. Why does it always have to be the same text written over and over again? When will I talk about something exciting new happy? How am I supposed to fix this? 

still sad

My time is very patient and everlasting but the memories are very short lived some even fade away into nothing. Some remain but are a moment that has long past. The more I open eyes to reality the less I want of it. It's easier to just dream away. Pretending I've had more conversation past the paper. Too bad there isnt ink in this or I'd run it dry. My reality needs to be more connected. From day to day I'm not sure how to even found a sentence anyone. I'm becoming scattered. Why can't I talk about something other then my own tears? Why must I keep fighting a battle I'm never winning. What will happen when I surrender? 

tired of typing

So I spent a whole day without any communication at all. But I do that just about everyday don't I? Yep. Soon I wont be able to form a whole sentence. Maybe I should just type my whole life way. This is hell there's no heaven for me in the end I wasn't even happy I'm earth. Why is it I know know sad words? Because I am being punished again. Everyday when I wake up I ponder why am I here and why won't I change. I'm so sick of being broken. I'm so tired of the broken. I just have to move far away from this ghost town. I gotta get myself together and leave this place or I'll just remand the same or worst. So why haven't I started yet? Maybe because I'm scared that something horrible will happen like I hire the wrong people and get hurt? But I can't keep letting these people ruin me. Need more information. Also need to do something else instead of this never ending circle of hell break the cycle. Start new you said it over and over stop typing it and just do it already. Find the movation to get unstuck. Screw this dying society find one that's not suffering. Also need to find better connections in life when it comes to family. I'm so tired of it all. I just want to move far away with a great job with awesome new people and my own damn family. I'm sick of being sick I'm sick of being here doing the same thing with the same people crying sadness crying. I can't do this no more God help me. 

carefree

Whatever happened to feeling carefree? Stress-free painfree. Where's the excitement. What happened to just feeling normal being able to smile. Where's the joy? Where's the ability to just be able to relax. Where did all the happiness go. I just want to forget my troubles and your troubles and just be okay. What ever happen to inspirational conversation? Where's the pleasure. 

ouch

Pain follows me everywhere I go from first grade at school I failed. I was told I wasn't smart enough. It happened again and again as I got older. No one ever wanted to be friends with me just beat me up and make me feel so small. They laughed at me called me names. I used to create an invisible box around me. Constantly biting my nails sucking my thumb, but later I stopped. Don't feel sorry for me I've hated that everyone always told me they are sorry. I used to feel like the sorriest person in the whole world. As I grew older I changed and grew into an bitter evil person they gave me a shell. Then I snapped out of that then became something else. Always throwing me with the damaged and broken until I became one of them. Now I ask God for help but am I even desivering? I can't even spell is this the right word? I don't even care no more. I can't even stand up for myself. I'm such a loser. I'm always begging for everything and crying all the time that never makes anything better. I wish I was stronger I wish I could plot and plan to change things to my advantage. But I'm scared I don't know how I never know anything. So I faced myself and looked into what I want others to see I tried to fix me but I failed again. I tried to make a better image of myself but deep inside it never worked. I'm sick of awaiting your acceptance. I'm becoming someone else I don't know what yet but hopefully it'll be me. I used to think I was the problem because too many people outnumbered me. I might just stand alone here but I don't feel the hate you inflicted on me when your not there to make me feel like shit. I like it much better. No one can judge me now but me. I can do better without but not really though I believe I can have done better with. Even still I'm unsure of myself and I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm just done for now...

wounded

It's sad to say some wounds just won't leave a scar. Tightness takes over and controls the ache in my muscles and my blood won't circulate and my hands and feet fall to sleep, but I'm still awake. Your draining all the life out of me. Please end this insanity. There's no controlling it; it's denailable. You won't let me feel human. This is not natural. Desperation and insomnia start to kick in again. Later the head trama will begin again like on an instant replay. I can't avoid I can't control it. I soak it up it seems to numb the pain although it a temporary relief until it replays again. How can I break this cycle? It's building up inside me again breaking me into a monster. Where or how will I find the cure for my diesase. This reality is a living nightmare. What can I do what can I say to ease the pain. 

a path unknown

Where will transcends take us? Will it take a movement. Building bricks in our minds. Will we ever tear down these walls. Will we ever break free from these capulses or will we fall victim to a society from which we don't need. Reengingerize renewal develop a new field of view. Capture a different state of mind. Loose yourself then find yourself again. 

friday

Aunt Teresa looks better today she got that tube out of her nose. She's been in the hospital all summer. It's sad how there's too many sick people in my family. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I just bought myself a book called the hidden plauge. Ryan is complaining because he keeps finding blood in his bathroom. Aunt Debbie keeps bleeding and not cleaning up after herself. I think she needs to go to a doctor maybe get off whatever meds she's taking that is ruining her. 

half broken

Well my aunt and little cousin came to stay over. It definitely killed the silence, but there's still apart of me that still feels sad and soulless. My aunt has skin problems not the same as mines. I guess I'm not the only one with problems. Then again being around young children helps with feeling normal again. It's nice to have someone around to play pretend with. Still I find myself a bit sad Everytime we play dollhouse she always makes the toys get married and have babies which bothers me because inside I'm not okay but I pretend I'm ok and just keep playing. I've spent so many years here alone with any social life besides my playstation I forget what it what like to be alive again. I forgot what it was like to have a child next to me wanting to lay on and and kiss my cheek while watching tv. Oh yeah and tickling. All I could was think about I can't remember when Ryan was so little he used do that stuff with me. He's so much grown apart from me. All he does is say in his room and it's like a crime to even hug him. Then my mind wondered off again. Maybe that's why I'm in so much pain because I killed my baby 15 years ago all because all I could remember is I'm not ready to be a dad. But maybe I should forgive myself although I never really did and I thought I was supposed to suffer for this. But maybe it's not me I just have been so isolated for so long I forgot how it felt to be human. Or maybe it's because children bring out the light when you've been living in the dark for so long. I dunno what's wrong with me but it was nice not feeling rejected or abused. I feel like I've spent too many years begging to fit into a job or school or anything at all really that I never really got to spend time with family. I remember I used to always spend the weekends with my cousins and their kids growing up. It wasn't so bad as trying to fit in the world with people my age or even younger. Seeing all the positive energy that it brings makes me wonder why have I been left in the dark for so long? I know it's helping my aunt cope too even if she doesn't say it or show it. I think it helps her feel better about herself at her age. We are kind of in the same boat here. And there's still so much I dunno about everything. I wish I could just fix everything and everyone but I know it's not possible. Sometimes I can nearly even fix myself. But at least we have each other to help make new memories and heal each other. I'll miss them when they are gone. I just gotta learn how to get myself out in the world and find change, but then again I've searching for that my whole life. I guess it's just hard because everyone is wearing masks and there's no music to distract me anymore. I always felt like my purpose in life was just to keep going to shows and trying to do this or that but since everything has been stay at home. I'm starting to see things in a different picture. Speaking of pictures I need to start a new story find a new beginning.....

how to become real?

I wanna need to know how to be real. How am I supposed to be real person instead of everything feeling so fake. I wanna know what it is to experience the simple things in life. Like call me over to hangout. Let's go shopping together or just sit at home watching tv, or even take a walk. Ride bikes together or go-to a park. Whatever happened to being real? I feel like I've lost everything that makes me feel alive. Where is my humanity? Share a true story with me. Make things happen or even read a book with me. Why is it so hard for me to do this? 

dating apps

As I look into dating apps I see men with their beautiful pics of their lives. And I sit here crying thinking I don't stand a chance like I'm never going to be good enough I'm too broken and I can't find anyone because I'll never be good enough. When I reflect onto myself what do I see someone who is crying out for attention love friendship etc. But then I see someone who is broken has suffered from abuse neglect and pain. I don't have those types of photos to share like you do of friends outside workplace or outings. When I look at my photos it's all fake there's no real attachment. Help me change this.

can u hear me?

Will you dianogose me? There's something wrong with me. I don't have the power or control to move from this room. I'm isolated here by myself in silence everyday driving me mad. I wish I could go to church and pray for help but I'm too scared. The world is scary place everyone is sick or wearing a mask. I wish I could got a party. Or adventure out to see the unknown. But here I am trying to find away to stay sane while I suffer the silence of being alone in a room day after day. Social media doesn't help no one shares their stories with me or communicate s they way I wish they would. I feel so disconnected so broken inside when that's all I ever wanted to to feel like I'm apart of something. I just want to feel needed connected unforgotten. Worthy of something somehow. 

needed

Your amazing voice. The sweet sound of pleasant words. The journey and excitement. The purpose the reason to continue. The team to give a hand. The pathway to something bigger better new. Give and take. Rise and fall. A sense of belonging a reason to wake up each and everyday. Catch me when I fall over. I dunno wanna wait forever forever will be too late. Do I have enough time left to begin? 

mad

Here it goes against and again time wasted. I sit here alone angle to achieve anything just wasted time. I sit here all day on this game and I can't progress. It's just like everything else in life which I don't have. I just sit here and wait for a helping hand and try by myself to only find more grief. So what back to writing this shit again and again. It never changes. I'm sick of texting no one can hear me or help me. Tears fall down my face from anger my fist meets my face. And then I keep walking around try to find these damn animals but I can't. What if I just stand here texting for help or staring at the clock. I did that the other day begging for help. Only thing happened was the clock s hours had changed. Then I find some people who help me get tags and I don't get the ones I need to make it to the next rank. Then I'm stuck here alone in solidutude silence and miserable. But yet if I tell anyone they will say I'm dark or I'm the one with the problem. How the hell is it me? When all I do is try and have patience and beg for help but get no place at all???? I wouldn't be so angry if this wasn't happening. Now would I no....I'd be moving along to something else. I'd see improvement progress but instead I see NOTHING!!!

I need to be saved

Dear God please save me I'm in so much pain I'm scared that things won't ever get better and I'll break over the edge and hurt myself. Help me please. I can't live like this no more please change this. Make me healthy and end the silence. It seems to only get worse over time. I thought with time things are supposed to get better but it's the opposite. But then again I can't even say I have sudicidal thoughts because I wouldn't want my life insurance to not pay my son if something did happen to me. They don't pay if you off yourself. I'm just so mad. I wish I could destory others. I wish other people could understand or feel my pain.

done

I hurt myself again but it feels good to feel pain something is better then nothing. Still thinking about making scars in my face to match the rest of me. Maybe then the silence would go away. Still unable to do that. I figure since I can't fuck myself I'll cut myself instead. Maybe I'll find something to choke myself with no one would ever know. 

interference

Its like something always goes wrong whether it's the communication or the game play. I'm forever stuck in a glitch. No matter how much time I spend trying it's not good enough. I'll never be good enough always fusteriated. I feel like I've just wasted time. Why must I always be a failure at everything? I can't even sleep at night. No sense of accomplishment. How am I supposed to fix this? Try n try again but it doesn't fix the problem. Still end up a waste of time. Everything is out of reach. Try to rest in pieces. 

sunday

I cleaned out the deep fryer it was a mess. The sunshine was out today so I cleaned the pool swam then cooked some hamburger and hotdog on the grill. Lighting came out to her playpen. Not sure what else to do in this solitude. Everyday is a struggle but I keep living it. I guess back to gaming. 

another sad day

Been sitting here without any communication again. I don't have anyone to listen to talk or speak with I'm not even sure how to change this. Zero allies friends associates. It's just endless silence when will it ever end. I've been suffering from this too long. I always feel left out. I'll never be good enough for this. Will it always just be me talking to a piece of paper forever? I'm stuck in the text again asking what's wrong with me? I'm depressed what is friendship? Just the dream I always had. What is family just the other dream I had that I couldn't make happen in real life. Stuck here with the never ending silence. Wonder if I should call a sudice hotline and ask if I just can find someone with a voice or a story to tell me. I feel lost and alone without a purpose or direction in life. I have tried praying for change. Still it seems like nothing will and I'm not even sure how to. Everyday I cry and I don't want to I'm normally okay when people are around but mostly I just sit here in silence or listen to tv or music that doesn't seem to help much. It's temporary just like everything else in life. The only thing that seems peramint is the solidutude. So empty and hallow here it hurts. 

evil is here

I tried praying got no answer. It's silent all day everyday. So I started crying everyday again. I can't stop the tears from falling. I still hit myself from time to time. I'm so sick of the silence. I tried to read the Bible but I still couldn't find anyone to save me. How will I get outta here please help me I'm still stuck. 

nice day

Finally feeling good skin back to normal. I went outside and weed wacked jumped into the pool. Ate some watermelon 🍉. Got alittle 🌞 on my skin. Now back to tv and gaming. 

why won't you save me?

I fear all I know is pain and suffering no one will help me. That is why I lust, envy, and dream about the teamwork the stars get. They help each other from road to set to stage. Here I am at home just upset because no one helps me with anything. I'm very sick today but I still have to work around the house because I don't like dirty floors. I'm tired of the cats getting hair everywheres. I wish I could get rid of one of them. I wish I had help someone to say it's ok your not feeling good today I'll do it for you. Or someone to provide me something to make me better. Why can't I get a savior? But still all I have is this damn text and tears.

greatest gifts

Have you ever been so passionate about something or someone that you couldn't imagine a life without them you would do anything and everything for them or it. It could be a hobbie a religion a skill whatever it is... You continue to place it at the top of everything and it makes you truly happy. You enjoy the bliss of it all. 

tears

So u was looking at Facebook dating profiles and I got to crying because I think we'll I could never get a man in real life because I'm not happy with myself I have no job I can't have sex because I have a virus no one will ever want me I'm not ever going to be good enough for anyone else. 

unbreak me

You are my discovery I want to know everything what makes you mad sad happy and everything thing in-between I want to hear about your dreams and your fears set me free show me the way walk this path of enlightenment with me show me how to live teach me how to speak give me the truth let me experience what it's like to be human give me reason purpose a new beginning show me what its like to start living life without denial just say yes be my comfort in the storm teach me how to give and take, show me what it is to be loved and let me give my love to you make me glow build a friendship with me I'm still wishing upon a star wishing to be right where u are let's create something magical prove to me that this idlness is not forever give me hope something worth fighting for make me a better person I need to find you will you find me? Ingite the flames feed the fire in my eyes be the electricity that jump starts the power to my heart wake me up from this nightmare I've been searching my whole life for the happiness and freedom I deserve how will I make this a reality? Tell me how...

Unbreak me

Release me from this prison of solitude give me a voice to speak to.... End this and silence and suffering and give me the ability to communicate

So the question is how am I supposed to meet you? How will you bring out the best of me if I never find you? 

that's what's missing

Good morning I just wanna see your face maybe a little taste of heaven running through my mind I long awaited for the magic moment I exist here and now tell me what you wanna hear soul searching through time and space longing for your warm embrace your my last escape the light in your eyes will fade out the darkness you are my gift thump thump thump you've unlocked my heart you've given me purpose and meaning I'm beginning to bloom so don't assume that this is all we have you've shown me the way this is the path to our harmony I will heal you when you need healing I will lift you up when your down but for now until we can speak together I'll still be dreaming.....

You are the music to my ears you wash away all my years of years you take away all my fears you put a smile on my face I want to hold your hand and talk about .....

I wish I could just find away to break out of this coma that exists inside me and let myself be free to tell you how you've changed me

find yourself

In order to begin you must find your inner strengths don't waste anymore time find what it is that makes you free from all burdens life and start a new again each day make it a life worth existing create your own happiness make your own plans let your inner light shine bright then show the world who you really are no distractions just get a taste of the reality that you have dreamed for so long and start breathing and living again let go of fear and anger be at peace with your self try something new even when it seems impossible hold on because even if it takes a lifetime you are worth it you can do it and when you do this you will be blessed 

oxygen

I'm so tired of dreaming Everytime I think of you I get sad because reality sinks in, just how much more can I take? I don't wanna breathe if I can't wake up inside of life worth living. Every second of each hour of each day I search for the reason still stuck in a frozen state if mind trying to find the air to start breathing I'm damaged and broken but I'm still hopeful, soul searching for the journey to begin like a new dawn a new fresh breath of air so give me a reason to keep continue breathing I need the strength to verbally communicate share your ideas and create a new world where there's endless possibilities so break me out of this box that's suffouricating me so just give me a reason to keep breathing show me how to compromise teach me how to grow don't let me fall so low help me find an memorable experience make an statement express yourself be bold wake me up from this nightmare I'm trapped inside drowning in my own misery looking for a reason to continue breathing so give me a reason to continue breathing everyday I start a new I we will continue to be the oxygen that is needed to continue on and thur

fanastyland

Teach me to be kind and tell me how to love. Treat me like a princess. Be my best friend go places together and share magic. I might just be indifferent at first because it's a dream and I want to live like this. Introduce me to your family and I'll introduce you to mines. Tell me all your secerts. Hold my hand when we walk in public. Don't just be the voice but the action in every dream. Make a memory with me that I won't ever forget. It's a new day and a new beginning a new experience. In joy n pain always be there no matter what. Give me hope for tomorrow and so much more... 

headaches

I can't do this anymore Everytime I talk to a friend who says all the stuff I want to hear but yet I know they are all lies because if any of that was true I would be living that type of life and not just dreaming it. It hurts too much to think about it. I've avoided it and lived alone with my truth all my life. I know it won't change so I need to live without thinking seeing believing acting. Plus you lied you've had the experience I haven't had. oneday you will move on and I'll still be here with my solidutude it will hurt but I'll be okay because I never had anything to begin with. Why so I feel like my head is pounding and someone ripped out part of my brain. Am I loosing myself my mind my memories. Yes and no not like you shared any of those things with me. But still I am missing something. I'm supposed to wait forever until all those things happen in realife, but you know what scares me I won't ever be apart of it. Which makes me wonder what always put me to a halt. What always stops me? Or maybe it's because I'm waiting for something....

trying to find the source

Since 2005 I've been suffering with a virus and I'm starting to forget how it feels to not be in pain. So the other morning I found a bug crawling in me so I called out and bed bug inspector and he said I don't have bed bugs but he just looked with a flashlight. Maybe there are bugs or something there you need a microscope for because it's the only item in my room that I brought with me from my apartment. Also the only time I remember not being broken out is last summer when I stayed at Ireland and New Jersey and not in my own bed. So I ordered a new bed and soon I will see if I am right about this. I'm sick of being sick. 

no comments ever

I made a vow to myself to never say no always say yes and keep all my promises never break them. Because I know in my heart that is what it takes to be happy and be a good person. Others will love you for it. And if I fail and I can't do something I will try my best to make it work. I never really learned how to deal with rejection or how to handle someone who always says no. All I ever do is cry. I talk to myself each and everyday. I know all ill ever have is myself. It's just me, myself, and I how sad is that? Why won't you read me like a book? Maybe then you could give me some guidance or advice on what I'm doing wrong? 

life after death

Maybe after the world ends or I die first I'll finally meet you. When I'm gone I will find my heaven. You will teach me how to smile. You will end all the silence and sorrow I lived with day after day. Will you share all of yourself with me and I will break walls and tell you everything. I will be fearless. Throughout it all the good and the bad and everything in-between. You will bring life love and family to this new world. I want to know all experience all with you. You give me purpose and hope for the future. You won't wanna spend a single day without talking with me or seeing my face. We will know the unknowning. We will write our story together. I will finally know what true happiness is. Our hearts will beat as one. You won't ever have to question me because you already know everything there is to know. You will as I will love everything about me and you. You given so much that no one has ever given me time for. You will bring me out if my darkness into the light and I will glow. If you save me I'll save you. You are the dream. You will never let me go. I am yours forever. I will make you smile fill your void. I will listen and be patient with you. Unbreak my heart. You will care for me when I'm not okay. We will be okay together no matter what. I complete you and you complete me. You are the prince if my story and I'm still waiting on you....

why am I stuck?

No one knows all the pain I'm in no gives a shit about it no matter how hard to try day to day to erase it and pretend that I'm okay I just can't do it. Why do I live this way and what is wrong with me why haven't I been able to change it? I know I deserve this because of what I've done but why can't I just move past this. How can I fix this? I don't want to think about it I just want to forget and move on to feeling happy and not so broken I but everyday remains the same and there's nothing to replace it with. I even tried so many times to pretend everything is okay with me went to church prayed etc. But still I struggle with this feeling everyday. Everyday I cry and look at my life and I don't want to live like this I tell myself I need to change but nothing ever happens. Sometimes I think I'm okay being here alone at least I can't be hurt by the way I might be treated by others but I'm sick of living in fear and sick of being sick. This isn't the story I wanted to tell. The silence remains here daily. The sickness inside my skin won't go away and maybe it's my fault maybe I deserve this. Why did you break me so far down that I'll never know what it's like to feel anything good? How the hell am I supposed to move past this? First you left me alone to be a single mom then you allowed to me to take a life that caused me to be sick then you allowed my cousin to do something he wasn't supposed to. Then you left me here trying to mend all this shit on my own. I can't even speak about it. God why didn't you give me a shield or weapon to protect myself with? Why must I live in silence? And with this sickness? I never received any support for any of this. I can't even talk about it. I still feel like a failure in everything no matter what it is. Time hasn't even healed my wounds physically or mentally. Also when I think of death I think of you being with the other members of my family that are gone and I never had the time to share with you anything I hope that there is another realm where you are loved with them. It's fucked up to think this way but I never had the chance to think or care. I've just always been so broken. I still am broken so is my son he didn't turn out the way I hoped for. I didn't even succeed in this lifetime either. Everyday is a struggle but still I try to move  past all this and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to make things better. 

is the world ending?

People are going nuts all over the place killing and stealing because of bad cops. My family is dying. Virus is still out there. So much for new beginnings it looks like I'm going to be stuck here all summer. Probably just end up dying here alone very sad. All I do is ingore all the violence in the world and pretend that nothing is happening but I can't live life trapped here in this hellish world like this. I can't even sleep right I have nightmares. I pretend everything is okay and that I'm okay on the outside but on the inside I can't take it anymore. I just can't take anymore of this God needs to bring more hope for tomorrow just like he allowed people to go space. I'm so tired of living life in fear and isolation something needs to change now. Also I'm not ready to die I still haven't found myself or my soulmate. There's so much in life I haven't gotten to experience. I will continue to live in my bubble or my fairytale Dreamland until things get better. Will it ever get better? I need hope so.

new

Step one find the beauty in everything everyday. Be creative and make good things happen. Even when it's hard just remember to find my inner light because everyday is a new beginning. Even when I share all the things that we should be thankful for and you don't agree I will not let it hold me back. It's time to step out from that starting line and put one foot forward and see where I end up. I'm so done with constantly feeling frozen in time this ends now. I will become a better person or a person of who I'm meant to be or I've always been. It feels great until others try to hold power over me but this time I refuse no matter what they do I refuse to go back to the frozen state I've lived in for so long. 

the starting line

Show me how to shine tell me how to speak and feel calm steady and at peace. Bring forth the light teach me how to spread joy. This is my aftermath of my tragedy. I couldn't find the goodness in life until I decided to break free from all the sadness and start to bring forth the light inside of me. I am finally free from all the pain and suffering that others have thrown upon me because I'm free to be me all by myself. I found that I am only truly happy when no one is around. I'm able to exist in any existence I choose. I get make my own choices. I'm becoming my own person and exploring my own life. I will treat myself how I would want others to treat me. I don't need others to waiting for something good to happen, so you can't make my pathway for me I will make my own. Even when I have to carry the weight of your problems I won't ever let it overpower who I am or where I'm going. The next steps should be to be thankful...

torn between worlds

Without air to breathe or with a mask to hide behind we all wear many shades of masks it's just another precieved image of the antisocial society that you have created in your sight in my mind. We all die in the end where we been or go next doesn't matter we all end up the same. When all is lost and only hope remains that's when people rise above and bring forth light to the dark. Everyday we all learn how to adapt to this new type of lifestyle, but don't forget for some of us we still remained the same. What is happening some people have grown bigger hearts and some people just went to a new place that we all will someday reach. Was it really worth it being aware or unware of everything? While your 6ft apart I'm so distance from reality I don't know when I'll be 6ft down and under but all I can do is hope that this journey will give me a new beginning. 

break my barrier

Teach me peace not fear. Show me how to smile. Take my hand and walk with me help me overcome fear. Tell me your story. Teach me how to gift and receive. Show me what it takes to be a friend. Teach me how to have an realtionship. Show me how to have a purpose. Tell me all of your secerts. Take it step by step with me. Give me all the experience I've never been shown. Break my fears and show me I'm not worthless. 

my story

I always thought I never had a story because I'm still at the beginning and I haven't gained enough experience to have a story of my own. Maybe all these years my story is this. Is it bad one what if its not good enough what if it never changes. Will I ever past the starting line. Will I ever be thawed out of my frozen state or will my pain remain inifite....

what if...

I spend my whole life in my bedroom never leaving. I'll never meet you. What if I never experience anything at all because I'm too scared to try? What if I'm too ugly. What if I not good enough. What if I stop saying this and I say it's okay I am okay. What if I wake up and leave this place and still wonder around alone in silence and u still can't find you. What if I don't have to keep searching will you ever find me? What if I die today would that change anything maybe I'll meet you in my afterlife. If so maybe I'm tired of this life and I don't wanna live no more. What if you never save me and I just become dark. What if God doesn't have a plan for me What if the devil doesn't care. What if I lost my way would you help me find me my way back. What if I forever remain broken. Then I guess I'll just leave these entries behind in limbo unread unheard but they will still remain after I'm gone. 

what I want...

Tell me that I'm beautiful and not a piece of trash. Kiss me from head to toe or toe to head. Tell me you can't live without me. Tell me all the qualities that made you fall in love with me. Share your dreams with me tell me I'm your dream girl. Cry for me beg for me breathe for me live for me. Take  my hand never let me go. Tell me all your secerts. Show me what it's like to be loved, respected, honest, and true. Build a home with me and family. Help me overcome my fears. Be my always and forever. Hold me close but give me space when I need it. Be my one and only as I am yours. 

can I be random?

What you want to know more details? What if i just started saying some random shit that didn't relate to any category at all? Fuck I don't even know what to say now or do I? My damn neck hurts so bad now and I'm super bored. I need some drugs and a good massache. Am I allowed to talk like this? I guess so not not anyone is listening anyways. What what fuck is a heart beat? I don't hear anything. I'm just sit here drink until what happens? Maybe I'll get tired of speaking in text with my damn fingers and just pass out. Yep here comes the yawns again. It's only 10:50pm and I'm already yawning. Must stay awake. My brain just went dead I think I had too many thoughts tonight. I don't see the life I wish I had because I don't truley see what's going on in your life. I m so lost. I'm sitting here listening to ashes to new and this shit is going to crazy. It's always the same here going nuts. I can't see shit here just in isolation. Okay I'm done I don't think I found some random shit to say tonight after all. 

shattered thoughts

Am I crazy? so what then it shall be it will be what it will. I'm not going to let you and you know who I'm talking about all of "you's" who don't take the time to reflect on or to open your eyes or your minds to what is real. Hell yeah we all make own life choices. Yeah I get happy by myself I also get sad too. I wear the damn mask and paint your fucking pretty picture of what you think is normal. But what is normal anyways? And who really gives a shit and does any of this any matter anyways? Too many questions I'm looking for the answer because I already know what it is. 

time

How the hell is this happening? I can't possibly still be the same person or froZen as I was before. How do I press play because this seems like I've been on pause on frozen frame for too fucking long. That just sounds too much of limbo or the same damn cycle I don't wanna repeat the same circle or cycle over and over again. Yep so no more endless loops for me. And I'm so tired of the darkness so when the hell will I see some good, happiness, kindness even if I share it when will the cycle end and will I encounter the I kingdom of kindness? Okay let's how this cause and effect will go... It's like a game if dominos. Even if you don't want me there fuck you. I'll just something up even if it's not solo playing game. 

where to go from here...

I don't even know but i guess I'll just keep trying to figure it out without direction guidance support or a plan and let's see what happens. 

just do it...

Okay I'm so to talk about my biggest fear but in order to do that I have to talk about my dreams because they both are a combination of truth that I won't ever speak out of  my mouth. And why is that? Because I haven't found it. But still I wonder What would happen if I could become fearless? 

First my biggest fear is that I will remain sick and alone with this diesase forever and it will kill me. Second, my fears are that I won't ever reach my dreams or goals. That I won't ever experience what is like to have one best friend or group of friends. The silence will kill me or will it just keep me in a damn textbox. Fourthy, I fear that I will not ever have my fanasty family that I've always dreamed about. And my fifth fear would be spiders. Six that I will never change no matter what or where I go...

Okay so maybe I came over some of these obstickiles but still....

These fears remain I will not show my true self to anyone and if I finally find a place to fit in that I fuck it all up. My overall biggest dream and fear is that four letter word Love. I don't wanna be a ball and chain. I just need to feel emotional freedom to express myself and accepted for myself. Another fear is I'll never be able to express or show myself to anyone else or no one will ever read this. It's like there's never any feedback and I'm talking to myself or a ghost. There's no purpose for me and that will kill me. I just need a reason to leave this situation. I can put myself in that concesiness but still thats just me solo and there's still that emptiness that keeps me awake. 

definifintive list

The definitive The list:

Making  memories

Art of communication

Exploration 

Sharing cost 

Hurt pain love

Building and breaking

Secerts 

Knowing without asking

Trust

Words and actions

Movation

Influences

real friends?

What the hell are friends? Can someone explain to me what it is not in definition but in experience. I can only depend on no accountability. A broken resource that stays unresolved. I must be living in a state of denial because there's no rainbow or butterflies here. When I sleep I don't even dream n ok it's just blank darkness not even a nightmare. I'm living with my demons. There's no faces, messages, not even a ring of the phone or at the door. Just endless void. 666 even santan has friends. Take me to heaven or take me to hell but neither have occured. I'm just talking to myself again. I can only trust myself because my friend hasn't put any effort. All I can do is tired myself out on and endless search for a connection to a sense of belonging I have never encountered. I out myself out there but I guess it wasnt enough. There's not a much past hello but the akward silence that follows. Not much thought past this day after day that follows. I drown in sorrow but not in front of you because you will bring life to this lifeless world I live in. Purpose follows....

thoughts

Only one outnumbered by many wishing I didn't have the oxygen to breath there's too much space in this empty void trapped in limbo of yesterday I can't find tomorrow still wishing upon a star seeking for a shed of light some shape of worth. Still I remain the same every second min hour day year all it's ever been all it's ever remained a text a page a journal of pain broken misery why can't I find just one sunshine worthy pharse. Still sitting at the starting line not sure how to even begin. It's like I'm frozen and there's nothing that can thaw me out of this. Hidden inside my fears disconnected from the vision of life I sat out to live. Still searching running for hope luck belief. Still I have no voice just endless silence. I don't wanna be human no more because if humanity means having emotions then I'm frozen. The pain runs too deep inside my veins. Where's the microscope so I can find the tiny particles that you forgot to explore. Maybe I should just blackout and stop breathing. 

it's takes a five

It takes 5 friends it's what most people would say 5 people or even four people to make build form something well you never see that one person who they say it takes one to make a change. I don't think so what I see is everything in life takes the life help from others. I don't see any light given to world without it. It's all about teamwork. There is no "I" in team as they say. It takes more then one to make things happen. You wanna build a bridge then have a team. You wanna create a band then have a team, You wanna build a home then have a team, even McDonald's workers are a team, See where I'm going with this. One person in isolation can't have achievements without the help from others. I'm so sick and tired of the weight of the world on my shoulders because God didn't provide me with a team. I just feel so disconnected from life. It's too hard to find a team. Always waiting searching hoping praying looking for something I can't seem to find. Have I gone mad yes I have but Im still hopeful even after a decade of solitude. At the sametime I have fear fear of what if I find a team to belong to and u don't fit in or I get rejected what then? How will I break this isolation? My dream my whole life was to be apart of a team to be apart of a family not to live isolation and still I seek.....waiting for that connection and sense of belonging to make this life worthwhile. I'm still searching for teamwork, a best friend, an realtionship, and a purpose. So far that's the only thing I can't seem to obtain in this lifetime. I try so hard to not let it bring me down. I won't let it break me but still it haunts me all the time. 

what now

So I removed all the negativity all the toxic people out of my life and now I just sit in silence. So my question is what is next or will it forever remain silent? I have only one life one self what can I do with this where will it take me? I am at peace with myself but I still don't know where to find the positive engery I need. I will still remain hopeful. 

limbo

It's like I'm stuck in limbo everything is on repeat. Your just a living memory. Will things ever get back to normal? When will I end the same the same repeat of yesterday? Everything is in a rut how to fix this. Where's the movation to pack up and go live in the here and now stop the limbo. Break free and allow myself to be myself. There's beauty in life only if your living it. End the cycle of limbo. You showed me the end of the world. You showed your colors who is there and who isn't. I don't need it no more. It's time to rise above the ghosts and breathe again. Why must I wait on others I've been in isolation and limbo for Soo long now. Am I about to break. I've cut out everything toxic you tried to feed me. I need to do me. I don't need your damn endless cycle of the same shit story. When will my story begin. Soon enough my eyes are open and my mind is free from everything and everyone. I am now free to begin....

without

Here's the list of all the things I missed out on in this life:

Number one the most important one communication

Trust

Understanding

Appreciation

I thought of you when I was out and brought you back something from the store..

Teamwork

A memory

A reason to fight for

Hope for tomorrow

The good the bad and everything in-between

A smile

A text

A hug

A gaze

Walking while holding hands

A kiss

Knowing information about what you like or dislike

A phonecall

A text message

Friendship among parents or meeting of

An invitation

A time and place

An experience

A friend and an friend of a friend

To be my trueself

 

still breathing

Here I sit listening to other people's stories over and over again. I still haven't managed to create my own, but I guess it kills the silence. Time changes everything one might say but I feel like I'm stuck in a frozen endless time loop that never changes. There's no beginning no ending.. I am just here. What am I leaving behind when I die? Why should I even care not like anyone notices I'm here and now. I see no change. Destint to stay the same. Maybe I'm becoming more like a ghost. The hours and calendars will continue while I just roam in the dust. Am I still alive? I don't have any witness to prove it. What is communication I lived life so long without it. Everything is intangible. Why does it sound so sad all the time? Why do I continue to write out pain anger or fear but not ever write anything good? What if I wasn't to have any fear at all. They say we fear the unknown. I think even if it's scary and time is taking out to understand but it it's not scary no more. I can live in a fearless world, but that's not even possible. Everything is always in the details sometimes I just can't find the resources to figure it all out. 

dear corna..

Virus or no virus I'm stuck here in this hell house. I've already been living an antisocial life for 15 plus years now. Here you are telling me 6 feet away or 6 ft burried under. I kinda wish I was an animal. I still see people outside walking their pets. I just keep thinking I wish I could go back to when there wasn't no sickness. Other people are finding it hard to breathe and I'm finding it hard to wake up from day to day. There's no purpose here all alone dying deadly. If they opened beaches in other states does that mean we can travel? How do you even get into the water with a face mask on? Everything is supposed to be shut down but you can have a beer it's essential. Minium wage your essential works some say sacafical. I on the other hand would rather die then to have to work under these conditions. Not like I ever had a real job anyways. Not like I don't already suffer from social disease. I see you people all grouped up with your friends, loved ones, even animals. Here I am covid or no covid nothing changes I remain the same. Sometimes I wish I couldn't breathe when I think about the dead fish smell or the ozzing like a zombie and the blood. I get so dizzy can't sleep can't focus on tomorrow. I need to get out of here and explore, move, change end this hell. It feels like but instead I'm just sitting here waiting. Waiting on the virus to end waiting for the world to change. Waiting for a new life to take place. I hate waiting fuck that; how can I live when we are dying how can I live life like it's my last day on Earth without feeling incomplete? 

stay at home

I can't take this shit no more. I don't want to stay at home anymore it's sickening. Fuck this damn covid shit I'm already upset and depressed now I'm feeling worst. I went outside the past three days and played in the damn dirt and grass but still I'm sick of this ghost house it's too damn boring here. No social life wow really I already was living like this thank you for making it 10xs worst. Well I guess I'll sit here and smoke. 

what now?

Why do I even bother no one will ever read this shit and give me a proper diagnoses of what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I keep doing this? I think it's because not a person of one itself can make a change on their own. So it'll just stay the same like a frozen cube that has never felt heat. Solid and unmoved stuck lifeless. 

is it the end?

Well, if it's the end of the world I guess I'm ready because I'm sick of sitting here in silence. What is life anyways? I'm so tired if the samething happening at the same place over and over again. It's an endless cycle always on repeat. What am I supposed to do now? Everytime I try to play a game it becomes a waiting game I just sit here and wait for a fireteam. As I sit here and waste my life away I thought no about it and how it relates to all things in life. Life is a waiting game. Sure I could find something else to do but the same problem will exist. I could time into tv or radio to try to disguise the suffering but then what it will still end up being the same cycle on repeat. So thank you to all the people who are there to make life worthwhile. I don't even know what to say no more I can't say hello I can't even start the game. I'm just sitting here at the starting line kicked before I even get a chance to try. I'd rather try and fail then to not be able try at all. What is in my next life is there a better place? Show me the light how it feels to be happy and not feel pain. Why is it that it's easier to abotain pain but so hard to find happiness? Why are humans so complicated? What if I run out of time before I find a friend? My whole life I wrote page after page asking for a dream and the dream was to have friends. Still here in real life or virtual reality I still can't find them. I cried I'm depressed over and over every second turned into hours into days years etc. It's all on repeat. Here I am texting to myself over and over again. I'm not living the best life I wanted to live. This isn't the words I wanted to write. What is communication? What is teamwork? What is making memoriable moments? Will I ever make it past the starting line? Will this life ever end and a new beginning begin? Will the tears ever change over the years? When will the waiting end? Or will I just keep repeating the same shit over and over again? 

misery

Maybe I deserve all the pain and suffering and viruses in my life because of the sin that was bestowed upon me. I choose to kill life along time ago because I didn't want to be a single parent with two kids. Now when I think of it if I only knew I'd end up this way later I wouldn't have. I don't even think God will save me not sure if there is one. All I ever do is complain and cry when will I have freedom from this hell? It's silent everyday and my wounds never heal. The scars forever remain. No matter how hard I try to change I just keep falling away from the light into the darkness. 

home

This home has only become silence and infection. I don't wanna stay here no more. Something has to change. I really don't have no point in waking up everyday there's nothing out there for me. Everyday I get more closer to the grave. It hurts so much I didn't want this as my future but this is what I got. 

what's worth

Is it because I'm alone invisible and worthless? Is it because I didn't buy the right type of security? Is it not because of this but because everyone in this environment doesn't give a shit and doesn't wanna research it. My head hurts and I'm feel like the longer I stay here the worse it will get. But where am I to go? I need to find a place that can heal me. All the same places give me the same answers. Where can I go to be evaluated by a new place? 

for future

Make a list of every religious types of marriages 

Every year on the day of get married again and again with each on the list