jun,112024

Today I woke up with some sorta hicky looking rash where my face lines are. I'm not sure what's going on but I don't like this. I took my car to the shop. I weed wacked the bushes and planted the rose bush I got for my birthday. There's tons of these black and white spotted beatlespider bugs in the trees near the chicken coop. Scary stuff. Gave the bunny water. Now I'm cooking chicken and broccoli for dinner. Washed some clothes. Oh yeah, yesterday I put new stickers all over the bathroom walls. Housing did inspection of the home repairs new stuff that was installed a/c. I was told I need to have a few other things done like get a cap for the fireplace, so the birds don't keep making nest in it. I told them how sometimes they come in at the bottom and how I scoop them out and take them outside. My ears are ringing it's been doing that a lot lately not sure why. I'm go look for someone to play the game with.

I wish I had a cure

Here's what people can't see but I struggle with every month since 2005. 

I use white washclothes everyday.

Later around 2015 I started getting really bad arm pits. Now my left one is ugly.

This is what happens underneath my chest breasts.

I take doxycycline mono, Nystatin topical powder, and sulfasalazine tablets. And I'm supposed to be get a better treatment medication for this but it takes forever to get approved I'm still running back and forth to doctors trying to fix this but it seems like and endless wait.

Also once I awhile I drink 4 in 1 daily fiber.

how can I start?

It hurts to think about love I've never known... I thought he was the one, but he showed me I am not the one for him. I'm doomed to forever live in this nightmare forever. Why did he even wake me up? He gave me hope, joy, and happiness then he took it all way. He was my inspiration to be creative. I wanted to live in his fantasy, but here I remain broken and unloved forever. My tears for years is all that ever remains. Why would he ever care I'm not even healthy enough for love making. I just feel so alone. I wish I was worthy of a friend a lover a family. Again I say it why has God forsaken me? I give up on love because there will never be anyone who is just like you. I'll forever be sorry that I never got to explore that with you. You were everything that I could of hoped and dreamed of, but now I see your heart is someplace else. All I can do now is hope I can fix this endless pain and suffering I feel because I didn't get to experience the love you don't have for me. I wished there was away I could share my love for you, but now I know I'm not allowed to try to express it anymore. I must live alone and die alone. I am a sadist. All I can hope and dream for now is to find myself and someplace I belong where I can feel that I am wanted. How can I find happiness? Who will complete me? How will I ever be happy with myself? What is happiness? How can I love myself and create a better timeline for myself? I'm sick and tired of being unbalanced and stressed out. How can I make my dreams a reality without you in them? How can I create a future without you? How will I ever be happy? What can I do for myself to improve my own well begin? I am still unanswered and I don't wanna stay depressed forever. Show me how to be happy and live a better life. I don't wanna live in a broken dream no more. Please God tell me how to fix this? What changes do I need to do to make life better to have a purpose, a sense of belonging to just be happy. How can I turn positive dreams into a reality when all I ever receive is rejection? How will I find inspiration to create something better not just for me, but to be able to share it with someone else? How can I begin again?