out in the heat

So I cleaned the chickens mess a bit then cleaned the pool cooked dinner and sat out in the sunlight today. 

today or tomorrow

Would create a list of places you wanna go to? Things you like to see? what type of experience are you looking for? It's been a long time since I've actually done those lists. There's the problem though I'm really hating the word I. Okay stop with the sadness shut up. Remember how you just sat there alone watching how the birds flew together and then apart and then back together again. That time when you say on a rock and watched the water flowing down stream and the only sound you could hear was maybe a squirrel in a tree. That time when you tired to look at the sun but it just bleed the colors outta your eyes. Then you thought about how it must be like the fish without water. I can't see you out there maybe your alien maybe your a god, but it must be beyond my human limit. I wonder if there's something inside it? Then some people say that hell is hot but then again if Satan is so evil the sun is so hot why not fall to the earth? So maybe God is in the sun that's why it doesn't fall on us. No one can comprehend because no one can touch it. Everything the light touches is beautiful. Plus they always did say God is always watching so maybe he's a sungod. Always out there making the world as better place from one side to the other. As the moon follows providing relief to the busy bees. Not today now where was I? Big bright light sound movement nature insects. People ever flowing like circuits in a board. Colors and time changes the rise and the fall of time. 

it never ends ongoing

I feel so broken 💔. With each passing day knowing that I'll never truly get to live the life that I hoped and dreamed of. Will it hold me prisoner forever? I'm stuck in this misery it's follows me wherever I go. I am an empty shell. I wish I had a story to tell. I wish I could have created longer then moment in time memories. Time has been fading away from me soon it will be too late. I will carry this hallow void inside me if until I die. I couldn't find a single soul who cared not one. Sometimes I just wanna waste away in the darkness. Why haven't you showed me how to bliss in the light? Where should I go what should I do? Will I remain this unworthy forever? I just wanted to make a new beginning find hope, love, and peace. I couldn't even have the pleasure of a simple object in life such as a simple kiss. Maybe I'm a demon and I'm being possessed. It hurts so much to know that you'll never be under my spell. I'm so tired of only having one emotion tears for years. How am I to fix this? It's gets so quiet so fast and it feels like it will never end. Where can I go what can I do? Maybe I have no soul maybe my only future I have to look forward to is a box 6 ft. deep. No blood, no pulse, no skin, no bones. What if there's no afterlife and I never get to heaven not awhile I'm awake or even after? What did I leave behind after I'm gone? A fatherless unloved child who is now an adult. It wasn't the dream in my head. I thought there be some white light that would save me. Now I just waste away without any hope for tomorrow no legacy to leave behind me. Someday my time will run out and I lived knowing that I was unloved in this life. I waited on God the father to save me but he never did. Now I'm supposed to believe there's a way out of that box that's 6ft deep. That God will save me when I'm dead and take me to heaven. If that's what I'm supposed to believe in than I'm doomed. I also thought of start living today and for tomorrow because you have can blessing now while you alive, but I only found myself not living in love, fun, family, friends. It's like a cruel punishment. I'm not good enough for change balance or anything that could possibly save me. It doesn't matter where I go or what I do in this life because your not here. I'll just talk to ghosts. Ghosts are the only friends I ever had. Maybe I should name my ghost? Or better yet maybe I should name my ghost and start talking and recording it and show the world who probably won't care to watch it, but I wonder how messed up people would see I really am. Or maybe I'll just sit here and type until I die. That sounds more like me. I'll just be empty endless words on paper. The text of my life. My only friend myself. Even if I reread myself why am always remaining broken? How come I never write anything about being happy? Oh that's right because I haven't experienced that yet and I keep thinking it must be forbidden from me. I can't even share something beautiful. Do you wanna waste away with me? Oh yeah even my demon says nothing. Well it seems I couldn't survive on earth in heaven or hell. I musta been sent to the nothingness empty void. Yep this place is worst then any other. Picture it just image time just passes by as you age older and older more colder and empty. No conversation no connection just the same nothingness everyday. Then one day you stop breathing and everything just becomes dark. Maybe I would have been better off a slave at least then I'd have someway to make memories with humans. You could tell me what to do; what to say; where to go and I'd do anything you requested just like a robot. I don't even think that would make me happy. Why don't I feel human? What is wrong with me? Will I remain this broken forever? I'm loosing all hope on hopes and dreams. I can't seem to find away out of this. It's like I'm walking in quicksand. Someday that dirt will consume me. 

reflections

There's these reflections everywhere they surround me. I can see thur them. Sometimes things move in-between them. Depending from which angle your viewing; you can see the mirror verse. I've spent a lot of time looking into them. I don't think I'll ever escape. Sometimes they keep me trapped inside. How I wish you could understand my sight is limited I can't seem to find tune all the details from the reflection within you. I wish I could drag you here into this with me. Trust in the vision let it guide you onward. 

Sept 1 2023

Friday after I weed wacked the grass I collected some green beans and green peppers from the garden. I clean the pool went and swimming laid out in the sun. Cooked dinner got back into the pool. I let the baby chick outside it ran away it scared me. I finally caught it; the cat scared it. Well I got tan lines again. Spent 8 hrs outside. I'm watching some more of that one piece show.