hallow

All hail to the hallo. I am just an empty broken useless shell. I am soulless demon stuck in hell for eternity. Evil pays Goodness doesn't. It's the root to all evil. I'm the curse upon blood cursing Thur your bloodstream. I can't feel anything good because I suffer in the darkness. You stole whatever light was in me and ruined me for eternity. For this is your punishment. There's nothing left of me. I am and forever remain the broken. They gave you solitude and silence. They told you they are sorry you grew hate for that word. You received zero hugs and kisses or anything that is on the good side. They made you into this this is what I have become. I am the broken forever and always searching for a Savior. You love everyone else but me. 

going crazy now

I called a lawyer for disability I'm being told no again rejection is all I ever experienced. The moss disability group don't ever call there again. Try someplace else. I'm told I gotta work five years because I have to pay their insurance that I have no protection until I work five years. So basically humans God the world is saying they don't care about humanity just pay us before we can help you unless it's a global pandemic then they remove all price tags. Five years from now maybe I'll be dead or maybe they will cut off my legs and pussy and ass and arm and tits and maybe I'll be the one in the wheelchair. You know I'm right time will show you. It sure does feel like it maybe that's why I'm constantly around people in wheel chairs it's a sign of my future. All because these damn doctors don't care the legal systems don't care. I can't even through money at them because the doctors say no cure, but what if they are saying that because of my insurance? Can I throw money at them to be cured? The thing about waiting is time isn't friendly to my disease with all these years it's just gotten uglier and located more places then it used to be. Too bad I couldn't tell my virus to wait years and years before I send you to the right supportive places for it. I want a new doctor and I'm tired of having to choose to go to the same places with no solutions. I need to change my doctor. I want to get examed by a doctor in a different state mines doesn't allow that. I need the money from social security so I can buy an indoor swimming pool to help with my pain and never have to worry about bills. I can't even get the right help with taxes I follow the text software and the it's even sends me info saying it's broken. I'm tired of being this rat in a box. Where's my mental and physical support? I'm sick of this should I goto work and pass out beg for an ambulance? I'm scared to do that look what happened to me last time they put me in a hospital I ended up with out gun rights. Why don't I get protection? Also how come I have over 98 credits from a college and no documents to give a job saying I'm certified? Look at all those years of zeros. I can't even get a piece of paper to improve my profile. Plus these jobs are temporary businesses go in and out and they all change and move locations. My virus is real and infinite it never ends how am I supposed to get never ending coverage I have to wait five more years I've been waiting since 2005 well this sucks. I'm tired of it. I don't see myself living past 50 and I only see myself in a wheelchair in my future with no support I'll have to suffer. This wasn't the dream I had in my mind. All they taught me to do in life is cry and moan. Cry and moan. Thinking back to when I took that certificate exam for windows servers and I couldn't pass it. Why I had all the answers in like 4000+ pages plus and audio cd but still it wasn't good enough to pass. I had zero real-world work experience. I spent all that time trying to remerize the text when I'm reality I wasn't making any progress. What I realized later in life all that stuff is useless anyhow because someone will change the software and then you have to learn new stuff anyhow. That's the things I'm saying nothing is concrete nothing lasts forever besides what you guessed it the virus. 

https://eldercare.acl.gov/public/resources/topic/LTC.aspx

I was thinking about my future and thought I probably be unable to piss and shit on my own by the time I'm 60. Also I wonder if when I'm 60 yrs old will I be able to get this service or will the website be down by then will it still be around or gone like everything else? 

oct 15 2021

I wish I die I'm tired of living in hell. I never change all I do is the same pain over and over again. Was thinking maybe I should just goto work and pass out on the ground, but then I remembered what happened in last time I went to a hospital and jail. I just ended up having no protection no life. I have no rights. The only rights I own are live with a virus and suffer alone. And want to die and live with the guilt of your unborn child this is probably why your suffering it's your payment for being alone and broken. Now God says here live the rest of your life alone with swores. Well still I don't have none to help with communication, physical healthcare, securities, anything that is human. No wonder I've been going through life all this time saying I hate people and humans. I am not human. All I do is what other people tell me to do and I still get the bully. I don't wanna celebrate anything but the dead reminds me of patty never see her anymore see abandoned me. Happy birthday everyone I never see anymore you have a nice life all those years you've done changed had extended your family and moved away. Here I sit still remembering but not able to move past my own daily suffering. I live in a nightmare. I talk to myself everyday and God but mostly we argue and I get mad because God doesn't answer and then I start to say where da fuck is your god now? Then I start to think maybe this whole time it's just another mankind han lie. They all lie for business and money they never cared about you. God doesn't save lives he didn't saveine back in 2008 what makes you think God will save your from this virus now? You've been sick for a long time. Hell you can't even have sex it's been 11 years and all you do is cry everyday and your best friend is a washcloth but you can't seem to get it to wash away your sins. It's never going to change why must I continue to live? I can't even get a hug or anyone to tell me it's going to be ok. I can't even get good insurance or advice or anything. I'm sick in a system that's broken. My 21 year old is proof that living here isn't good look at what he's become. The state doesn't acknowledge him as a person why don't they help him get a work program? Why do they expect my sick self to continue to do everything? I need speech therapy I can't even communicate properly. I want to learn how to speak with power and respect. All the things I'll never get in life. I wish I'd catch covid and die. Then the pain would end. No one is going to miss me when I'm gone. I bet my family will be complaining about how they have to buy me a flower because they are too poor to buy one when I'm dead and gone. Why did y'all teach me about the hardships in life but never taught how to bath in the light of good things? No they made it out of hell and disappeared. It's like I'm a demon now and I feed off the energy of the suffering. The only communication I receive in life now is what the songs about how I'm suffering from the skin I'm in and I wish I had company. Didn't they make these songs for people with aids? I must be living in hell maybe I do have aids and the pieces of papers they give me are a lie. It doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is I have to not sure what's the point of my struggle but I must stay alive to what? Can't find a purpose? Oh to be remembered but no one remembers me while I'm alive why care when I'm dead? I am just an empty hollow shell. All I have is this text from this keyboard this broken voice no one ever listens to. Take everything away frome leave me with no ability. Everyday is hell yesterday they had some music up the road I couldn't even go outside because I had to sit here and use wash cloths and smoke drugs to make my swores bleed. This is my brother, my sister, my husband, my best friend. It's the only thing that has stuck with me all this time and it's the same thing that will kill me. So God thank you for that. hidradenitis suppurativa that's my virus my only friend or family connection I've ever had on a daily some days are better then others. This is my coffee everyday. I don't feel human. This is my life see how happy I am? What is happiness is it the pain I wake up to everyday? I'm tired I want it all to end. I don't want to be here no more. I need to find away to travel to another state and get a physical and see if they treat me any different from this state. Like everyone says insanity is to keep doing the same things over again. I must find some place new to try. Break the pattern. 

oct 14

Still awaiting for two more abcesses to pop. Took a bath this morning. Ate egg sandwiches which I thought was the cure for this virus but yet it's still here. Drink some stash mango tea and some some bud while continuing to use wash cloths between my underwear and my underarm pit. What a fun life it never ends this is my daily. I stopped smoking cigarettes it didn't cure me. I wish I would die so it would be to end. There's no relief from this there's not one single day I don't have swores on me. It feels better when it pops but that doesn't mean it ever heals. My skin never heals I'd show you but then they block and delete my account. I'd show God but you know he's not watching. And it's against the law to walk outside naked in the public or unless maybe I should make a trip to a nude beach would they give me good service or a cure? maybe that's where I need to go instead of the doctors all the time I should goto nude a beach. Will they ingore me there or fix my virus? It's either that or just kill me because. So sick and tired of living like this it never changes. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm sick of living with it. I need CHANGE. For now I'm just sitting here at home with the tv on while I'm dying inside. I'm depressed again. Why would I want to live? They took away any hope for tomorrow they took away any rights I'm aware or unaware of it gone. I'm not allow to protect myself. They took away my chance of security, weapons, love, family, and money. So what's the point why should I want to continue? I really don't see any reason. Still here I am waiting for it to change. I started looking at homes in Vermont online today because the internet says that's the healthist place to live in the USA. I guess I'll just sit here and wait to heal so I can go on a journey someplace new or die here which ever occurs first. 

oct 10th

2021 oct 10th I got two new tattoos. Oct 13 is today and this virus is killing me. Ryan went to the dentist today to get two root canals on his broken teeth. I'm so tired my headache and eye is leaking. Now my swore is leaking now just need two more spots to pop. I'm still waiting for him to get done can't wait to get back home. I'm goto home Depot and buy some skin glue so I'll be ready when I need it. I called a disability lawyer and was told I have to work five years inorder to apply to be disabilied. But I've been ony deathbed for more then that none gives a shit. I'm thinking maybe I'll go to another state where I'm not insurance by a state and see what happens. No service again. It's a good thing I'm good at waiting several years. So I guess I wait on the clock that's my best skill. Everywhere I go in life I sit around waiting. At work, at the doctor's, at the store, everywhere a pretty much. My virus loves waiting for a new doctor you know what it will do spreading all over it doesn't have to wait to kill me, but I have to.