it hurts 😢

So now I can't message Vincent anymore. I can't even see any information about him he removed his page it says. Is that the message you get when someone blocks you? I feel so heart broken. It hurts like hell. I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I just wish I could stop crying.

it's hard to decipher

I'm not sure how to open this door. All I know is I'm always saying to myself or writing I'm still waiting for a beginning. Maybe because I've inherited slow brains everything takes me years and years to find and others it takes them far less time. I dunno what's wrong with me. All I know is I'm missing out on the timeline of you and me. Sharing daily life experiences creating memories etc. I'm still wishing you was here to share them with me. I'd give anything for those things with me. I'm still waiting to have this with you my love. That's why I can't explain it because we haven't yet begun....  Here I sit and watch my age waste away. I'm never getting back the time lost wasted here alone with no experience of anything. 

unworthy me

Dislocated isolated an unwanted plague is what you gave me to share with on a daily basis. It's all that remains. Nothing ever really changes. Also what am I working for it's not like a I can goto a store and buy me a human connection. All I have is emptiness and this longing for something I don't even know what it is. All I know is that I haven't experienced it yet. Is it normal to cry everyday if my life for like the past twenty years and I'm still doing it. It's like I'm stuck on pause and I can't get no one to push the play button for me. Now I'm obselete and my batteries stopped working and there no replacement for me because no one uses me anymore. I'm just a system malfunction. I am the hollow empty shell. I have to make work my life because there's nothing outside of it. No one wants to be around me at home. There's nothing here but my years of tears and me writing about it 

my fantasy

We walk through a park together holding hands. I can feel the electricity between us. When I stare into your eyes I see my future with you. You make me feel better about myself. We support each other in everyway. We talk and write and share stories together. You show me what it is to love. Your a magnet that pulls me into you. You've given me the experience no one else wanted to share with me. Your always on my mind when we part I can't wait to until I see your face again not even tomorrow would be so soon. You make up for all the time I've been absent from love. You complete me and now I'm whole again. You created a timeline for us. I'm not even sure of what we do together because I haven't experienced anything yet but I'm sure when we meet you will show me what it is. I'm still waiting to know what togetherness feels like. I'm waiting for you to change the way I write from the heartache and sadness to something great I don't know how to words because the experience just isn't there for me. Once that is done I want to be thankful. I need you to make me a better person. With you I'm blooming into the person I should have been. You help me dream again you inspire me to do better. You want to build a home and a family with me. Your supportive in everything I want to do in life. Your with me every step of the way. I'm also right there with you by your side trying my best to do anything to make sure to keep you happy. We live life together and we travel places together. We build memories together. You are my dream come true. The question is where are you? When will if ever will I ever be loved? Take away my tears.

can you feel me? I wish you could understand

I remain unattainable I thought you would understand. I wanted no needed you to read me like a book. All I ever wanted was to try to see if you was a real person if you wasn't all just an illusion. I needed to see if there could have been something, but there was never a reply and you showed me that your the missing piece that could of made me happy. That's all I ever wanted for you is happiness. I wanted us to complete each other. I'm still lost and it hurts so much. I wanna see you and tell you how much I miss you and without you I'm not happy. I want to live something real with you let's go someplace together and share who we truly are without anyone or anything in our path. Let's begin a future by creating a life a timeline a experience shared moments and there's so many of them we could have together if only you would see me outside of your world. I don't wanna fall for your illusion anymore. I just want real quality time with you to get to know the real you. I would have done anything for that, but you don't want the same. Now I'm supposed to find someone else who can complete me. It hurts I don't even want too. I remain broken until I can start sharing time with you... 

without you

It hurts like hell. When I text you never reply. I asked you several years ago to be my friend, but friendship is something no man would ever give me. In my awaking world I see that I was never worthy of anything. I died inside a little more with each passing day. Those days turn into long years. I don't know how to fix this? How do I begin something I could never start? All I ever wanted was an experience, a memory, a new chapter. I still remain frozen in time. Like a time capsule just waiting for something real to begin. I'm so sick of writing about emptiness and denial. I just wanted to live live life and be happy, but not alone. I needed a shared experience. I wanted a family I needed you for that, but you left me hanging alone in this empty void. I miss you but you never existed in the first place. Now I'm just empty and heartless. All my hopes and dreams remain broken.

I remain broken

I feel like I'll never be able to see you again. I'm have to get used to a life without you forever. It hurts that we couldn't have been friends it's like I've tired but I just don't know how to start; maybe I'm not met to live in this life. I just remain heartbroken. I miss you and the thoughts of what could have been, but you won't be friend me. I'm not worthy enough of this stuff. I just keep surviving but not fully living life. I have no purpose and empty shell I remain. There isn't a single day that passes by that I don't think about you, but then I see that damn ring you have on your hand and it crippled me. I should have known God forsaken me. I'm doomed to walk this earth alone. I'll never be truly happy it's not my destiny. I'm not even with you all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed. This isn't how I wanted it to be. I wanted to be closer to you but it just seems I'm falling even further away. I cry alot. It's like now all I do is live in a doomsday. This isn't how I planned it this isn't living the dream. Now all I can do is suffer. You used to be everything to me. Everything I could ever hope for love but now your just nothing. I know that it's over for me anything that could have given me purpose in life is now gone. I used to think I could live out a fantasy, but now when I wake up I realize thats all it ever was. I am a demon and I am not allowed to experience anything good. All the light has been stolen from me. I'm stuck in the silence forever and time won't change me. I'm just rotting away I'm waste no one cares about. This is my happy nothing ever after. 

out in the heat

So I cleaned the chickens mess a bit then cleaned the pool cooked dinner and sat out in the sunlight today. 

today or tomorrow

Would create a list of places you wanna go to? Things you like to see? what type of experience are you looking for? It's been a long time since I've actually done those lists. There's the problem though I'm really hating the word I. Okay stop with the sadness shut up. Remember how you just sat there alone watching how the birds flew together and then apart and then back together again. That time when you say on a rock and watched the water flowing down stream and the only sound you could hear was maybe a squirrel in a tree. That time when you tired to look at the sun but it just bleed the colors outta your eyes. Then you thought about how it must be like the fish without water. I can't see you out there maybe your alien maybe your a god, but it must be beyond my human limit. I wonder if there's something inside it? Then some people say that hell is hot but then again if Satan is so evil the sun is so hot why not fall to the earth? So maybe God is in the sun that's why it doesn't fall on us. No one can comprehend because no one can touch it. Everything the light touches is beautiful. Plus they always did say God is always watching so maybe he's a sungod. Always out there making the world as better place from one side to the other. As the moon follows providing relief to the busy bees. Not today now where was I? Big bright light sound movement nature insects. People ever flowing like circuits in a board. Colors and time changes the rise and the fall of time. 

it never ends ongoing

I feel so broken 💔. With each passing day knowing that I'll never truly get to live the life that I hoped and dreamed of. Will it hold me prisoner forever? I'm stuck in this misery it's follows me wherever I go. I am an empty shell. I wish I had a story to tell. I wish I could have created longer then moment in time memories. Time has been fading away from me soon it will be too late. I will carry this hallow void inside me if until I die. I couldn't find a single soul who cared not one. Sometimes I just wanna waste away in the darkness. Why haven't you showed me how to bliss in the light? Where should I go what should I do? Will I remain this unworthy forever? I just wanted to make a new beginning find hope, love, and peace. I couldn't even have the pleasure of a simple object in life such as a simple kiss. Maybe I'm a demon and I'm being possessed. It hurts so much to know that you'll never be under my spell. I'm so tired of only having one emotion tears for years. How am I to fix this? It's gets so quiet so fast and it feels like it will never end. Where can I go what can I do? Maybe I have no soul maybe my only future I have to look forward to is a box 6 ft. deep. No blood, no pulse, no skin, no bones. What if there's no afterlife and I never get to heaven not awhile I'm awake or even after? What did I leave behind after I'm gone? A fatherless unloved child who is now an adult. It wasn't the dream in my head. I thought there be some white light that would save me. Now I just waste away without any hope for tomorrow no legacy to leave behind me. Someday my time will run out and I lived knowing that I was unloved in this life. I waited on God the father to save me but he never did. Now I'm supposed to believe there's a way out of that box that's 6ft deep. That God will save me when I'm dead and take me to heaven. If that's what I'm supposed to believe in than I'm doomed. I also thought of start living today and for tomorrow because you have can blessing now while you alive, but I only found myself not living in love, fun, family, friends. It's like a cruel punishment. I'm not good enough for change balance or anything that could possibly save me. It doesn't matter where I go or what I do in this life because your not here. I'll just talk to ghosts. Ghosts are the only friends I ever had. Maybe I should name my ghost? Or better yet maybe I should name my ghost and start talking and recording it and show the world who probably won't care to watch it, but I wonder how messed up people would see I really am. Or maybe I'll just sit here and type until I die. That sounds more like me. I'll just be empty endless words on paper. The text of my life. My only friend myself. Even if I reread myself why am always remaining broken? How come I never write anything about being happy? Oh that's right because I haven't experienced that yet and I keep thinking it must be forbidden from me. I can't even share something beautiful. Do you wanna waste away with me? Oh yeah even my demon says nothing. Well it seems I couldn't survive on earth in heaven or hell. I musta been sent to the nothingness empty void. Yep this place is worst then any other. Picture it just image time just passes by as you age older and older more colder and empty. No conversation no connection just the same nothingness everyday. Then one day you stop breathing and everything just becomes dark. Maybe I would have been better off a slave at least then I'd have someway to make memories with humans. You could tell me what to do; what to say; where to go and I'd do anything you requested just like a robot. I don't even think that would make me happy. Why don't I feel human? What is wrong with me? Will I remain this broken forever? I'm loosing all hope on hopes and dreams. I can't seem to find away out of this. It's like I'm walking in quicksand. Someday that dirt will consume me. 

reflections

There's these reflections everywhere they surround me. I can see thur them. Sometimes things move in-between them. Depending from which angle your viewing; you can see the mirror verse. I've spent a lot of time looking into them. I don't think I'll ever escape. Sometimes they keep me trapped inside. How I wish you could understand my sight is limited I can't seem to find tune all the details from the reflection within you. I wish I could drag you here into this with me. Trust in the vision let it guide you onward. 

Sept 1 2023

Friday after I weed wacked the grass I collected some green beans and green peppers from the garden. I clean the pool went and swimming laid out in the sun. Cooked dinner got back into the pool. I let the baby chick outside it ran away it scared me. I finally caught it; the cat scared it. Well I got tan lines again. Spent 8 hrs outside. I'm watching some more of that one piece show. 

Sunday August 27, 2023

It's so hot outside today. And still I'm depressed thinking what's wrong with me. Why do they fail at everything why am I not good enough. I guess nothing really ever changes does it. I got this mtn dew Caribbean splash flavor it doesn't seem too bad unless I drink too many. I might have to limit how many I drink. God why am I so ugly? I still feel worthless. So many things and yet so much too do and not to do. Trying to think of what to do to fill the empty spaces between. Even when it's so bright outside I still feel so dark within me. Well I guess I'll go back to my gaming. 

Friday August 25, 2023

I'm dying inside it hurts all the time. Wishing I could just pull you closer to me. I wanna place my hand on your heart stare deeply into your eyes and we lean into each other and romantically share a kiss. Would it be wrong would it be right? Would you pull me in closer or just drift away? Could we just go someplace together where the rest the world doesn't exist? Could I hold your hand and walk with you? Could we just talk about life and other things. What is inner beauty and how can I find it? Could we watch the sunrise together? Could we step into the unknown. Laugh, cry play and make new memories together. I'm so tired of living in denial. Always waiting and searching for something I'll never find because I am frozen in time. I always feel like there's no beginning because everytime it begins it ends before it even started. I don't wanna feel like I have to wait until I'm dead and gone to goto heaven. Why can't I experience it now while I'm still living? Don't set me up for failure no more demons be gone. I can't seem to break them. Save me from this darkness. I wish I could feel happiness and I wish I could share that with you. Where has my wasted age gone to? Why is my timeline so timeless? Do I always remain with unanswered questions? How can I fix this? What should I do? I'll let my destiny pathe the way. 

my fantasy

My hopes and dreams was that I could have helped you on your journey. Maybe help with creating content for a music video. I wish I could have helped you sell and market your stuff. I wish I could have help you brainstorm with the lyrics of songs. Maybe even drove you guys around to shows. I know it'll never happen but that was just the beginning of what I was secretly dreaming. Then we would have fell in love and built a private dream together. I can't get into all the details of what I wish upon a star for all I can say is that. There's no reality for me I just keep living in a fantasy. 

destiny destroyed

It was nice seeing Vincent wearing my bracelets. He always makes me feel happy about that. I wish there was more I could gift him. I wish he'd inspire more creativity in me. I'll always feel like I'll never be good enough. I started trying to dig up some information about him online, but I can't really find enough. I wish I knew who it is that he's seeing so I can find out why I'm not good enough. I sat there and thought about what is it that she has that I don't. What is wrong with me? All I could find was a picture of him and his parents with I guess that's his girlfriend. I'm jealous of her I wish I knew who she is. I really wanna earse her out of the picture and put me there, but I'm just having those evil thoughts mixed with fantasy and dreams again. I hate this. 

August 22, 2023

Everyday I think about how am I going to fix this? How am I going to fix myself? Why can't I answer these questions? I live in a world of denial. I didn't get dream guy. I didn't land the dream job. There's no stability in my life. How do I know where to go next in life? I'm not sure where to go or what to do or what to do next. How can I make a better tomorrow? I feel like a reject. Now I'm thinking what if I go back to school, but then now I'm having thoughts about how it's similar to home. Everyone my age is older already in a career and marriage life. I feel like the child left behind. Even if I go back to school I'll be surrounded by kids people younger than I am. I'm just left with that feeling of denial no acceptance. Where can I go to join a club or some kind of place where I can fit into people of my age? What's my age again? Great now I'm thinking of blink 182. If there's a god out there help me find your plan. People always say God has a plan. So where is my plan? Where can I place a place of belonging. Where can I find like minded people to surround myself? What am I searching for? I want no I need happiness. In order to have happiness I need a group of like minded people around my age to collaborate with. I also need that career that will enable all my dreams to come true. I'm left with the feeling that none of it is available to me. How can I fix this? Where can I go? What can I do? What is the first step I should take to find my way to you? I feel so damaged so broken beyond repair. I don't wanna be stuck in repair forever. Please show me the way. Help me outshine the darkness I've been living in for so long. All my hopes and dreams are now shattered. Which I never really got to talk about. Why did you destroy me? I feel like I am loosing hope for a future. It was over before it even began. Not only do I suffer from broken heart, but my future my lifestyle my livihood has been compromised. Am I doomed to stay this way forever? Please give me a sign. How can I fix this? I just wanna feel worthy and valued. I wanna work on making myself a better person, but how can I when I can't find a sense of belonging? So I ask again and again how can I fix this? What do I need to do? Where do I need to go to make my life better? I'm so tired of being broken. I need a better pathway. Where can I go from here? I'm so tired of wasting my timeline away for nothing ever after. It hurts so much.  What is it that I need to do to fix this how can I make it better? 

August 21,2023

Tomorrow Im going to try to get back into school along with my new work. Today I'm trying to straighten out some over these bills. My stomach is killing me. I'm praying for myself to get better. Cried a few times. Just like savage hands said I don't wanna love no more. Just as I expected nothing will ever change for me. I'll just keep doing the same things over and over again. I am the heartless the soulless and always will be the broken. I finally faced my fears today and the rejection was real. He told me he's unavailable. All my hopes and dreams like I've said over and over again destroyed. Thanks for awakening me to always being the failure. The unwanted unloved and valueless. I can't even live in fantasyland no more. All I can do is hope I don't get rejected tomorrow.

broken the broken that I am

Now I go see the stars live a beautiful life while I just die inside. Speaking of that I do have a shirt that says I'm dead inside. The whole time I decided to stay clear of Vince. I just did what I normally do and watch the shows. I kinda wanted to suffer or maybe I wanted him to suffer. He never did approach me. He did notice I was there when he got on stage. At the end I went over to him and I'm glad I did it felt so nice in his arms. Maybe I really did need a hug. He even called me love. Ok this is driving me crazy. His breath smelled really terrible, yet I still wanted to climb inside his mouth. Why is his stinky mouth in my face what is wrong with me? Stop doing that your making me insane in the back of my mind. See that's why I wanted to keep my distance he drives me crazy. He said soon he'll start writing a new album. I still feel stuck in the fanzone. Everytime I touch him I'm so warm and happy but then I go home sad. Which is the same reason why I wore my sad summer shirt. I didn't really to get speak to him at all. I wish I could have held him in my arms longer, but that's all he ever is with me small increments measures of time that just fade away into existence. I miss him already but I know my place I am nothing to him. Now I cry again. Well at least I have these photos. I didn't stick around after I just left. I didn't wanna leave but I know my place. Plus I'm never invited to anything. Plus I'd rather be with him outside of the concert. It seems like a dream that will never come true. I'm just a doomsday loser. A loner and that will never change. Remember I never change. I am the broken the unloved and unsupported Christina and I'll always remain this way. It's just me, myself, and I. I'm done with wishful thinking. I'm done with hopes and dreams. I'm just done with it all. I'll just indulge with my Nothing ever after. Forever just talking to myself again and again.

may 26,2023

I miss you already it makes me crazy. Why does it seem like you don't want me to follow you around? Then you told me I have to wait until August to see you again. It feels like forever that's too long. I should have just told you or asked you to come with me on my vacation, but I really wanna take you home with me. Why is it so hard for me to ask you? Maybe because I fear rejection because all I know is heartache and pain. I just want more time with you. I need you. I love you are everything I've ever dreamed of. I thought you was my fate maybe I'm just doomed to be broken forever. I'm so tired of waiting for a beginning. I wish I could stay in your arm forever. I need to find a way to make you love me. Tell me how? I'd do anything for you. I even transformed myself. I'm not the same person I used to be but I'm not sure if that's even helping. Tell me what do I need to do to make you love me? 

may 15 2023

Been busy all day head is pounding not feeling good at all. I just went ahead and reapplied to the job I should be doing which will lead a path to my career I'm supposed to be doing. Ate some soup haven't really had much today. Took some aspirin still feel ill. Made some appointments to help me improve somethings. Collected some eggs. 

connectionless

It's an empty world there's nothing that binds us. There's no security for tomorrow nothing is the only promise I can receive from you. I've lost track of time what's wrong with my timeline? The cycle remains. The warning signs have always been there. Divided I remain emptiness remains. Can you hear me? It's that lack of stability that's keeps me here. My thought process and short term memory functions don't work correctly but no one will identify it properly. I've been this way for a very long time.

others not me

Other people have many things they do during the days that past by people they connect with they work school and family with. As for me I never have that no one to confide in to talk to to support to hug me when I'm feeling down. I still cry every single day. Always waiting.... I don't understand what's wrong with me. When I go home I do this and this with them and this. Everyone has a story you fill in the blanks. When I go home I cry and wonder why am I still here and why can't I change? I'd go back to church but wait haven't I said all this years and years before. I'd go to therapy but it costs money I'm not trying to pay and then see no progress lack of service. Maybe I should just eat myself to death since it's the only thing concrete in my life. Maybe I'm just better off being the slave unpaid homemaker do all the hard labor at home while sitting on the playstation staring at myself and no one even watches me. Half the time I can't even get people to play the damn game with me. There's something wrong with me my head hurts. There I go again I've been saying this since the 1990s. Hello text again my only thing I've ever known. I'm that frozen time capsule unable to find my own way. All that remains is me stuck on an endless loop of everything will always remain the same. 

may 14 2023

Well I failed the exam everyone else in the lifeguard class passed besides me. Then I got home couldn't even park the car in the garage right. My head still hurts and I can't stop crying. I don't know maybe because I still feel alone I can't even get a hug. I can't focus or comprehend stuff like teenagers can I'm sorry I grew too old and I can't even do numbers. I'm retared and slow. I'm not good at anything in life I should have just stuck to hanging out in bar rooms. I can't get no support for anything.my mental state isn't even well I'm sick of being sick. I don't know if I wanna even go back. Well your a make it work company and I just don't work. I didn't cheat like the others. I don't understand what's wrong with me and disability won't even evaluate me either. Lawyers won't take me in I give up. I don't even care what happens to me anymore. I give up there's nothing in life saving me. It's like I'm never find a place where I belong. I'm so done. My head hurts all I can do is write in this stupid box. I wish when I was a kid I could of grew up in a school where I was allowed to work school and do sports or some type of exercise. Instead of just being a single mother who fails at everything in life.theres the stuff they don't see I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. But then again I am the one who keeps saying I need more training 2days isn't long enough. I need more practice. I'm still tried.

May 13 2023

I just discovered how challenging it can be to rescue people from the water. After the first day of training my body is very swore and I know I need more practice. Tomorrow I go back for another whole day of training. There is a lot to this some of it is scary. I'm trying my best to hang in there. I wish I was younger most of the people doing this are really young I feel like I don't have the same energy as them. I guess I'm getting old. I hope my age doesn't come back on me as a bad thing. I'm starting to think I'm a bit retarded and no one has properly diagnosed me. Where did all my wasted years go I wonder? Or maybe I'm just an unknown trama vitcum in recovery without the support and I just made myself better without assistance. My knees and feet hurt. I slept earlier woke up and now ready to go back to sleep. I think they really need to pay these lifeguards more money they are doing so much for so little compared to your retail workers etc. I also think they should have more training divided between several days or months instead of fast pacing everything together into 2 days for physically training. The instructor says that they come to your job site to test your skills to keep you sharp. I guess I'll find out more about that later. I still feel like I need more time spreaded across more days to keep practicing. 

April 25 2023

I got some black cement glue put it in my chalking gun and fixed the mud splash guard on my car. I decided to apply a thin layer to the seat that should keep it from cracking. Went to the store got some stuff. Opened the grill today and made cheeseburgers. The chickens had lots of eggs and needed feed and water. I also fed lighting she was out of stuff too. Now all I need is to find some foot rails for the truck. Oh yeah and my swim test is rescheduled. 

April 23,2023

I got a new vehicle. Just got a small new shed to put some stuff in. Got some tickets to a 3day show next month I'm going to. I've been playing destiny 2 lately. What else been reading that lifeguard course still unsure about if I'm going to be doing that or what. Been feeling dizzy lately skin still swore. Cleaned out the pool and planted vegetables. Finally done all the power washing. 

suffering day work

I got up today and power washed the back patio which needs a painting fence. Then I washed the car. Cleaned out the pool. Now I'm drinking this solution for my colonoscopy tomorrow. I'm so swore now and I have this big boil on my butt cheek now and I feel dehydrated. My feet hurt I got a bit of sun today. I'm tired I took a nice shower and now I'm ruin it with all this liquid stuff I gotta drink my butt hurts everything is raw. I can't wait to get this over with. Oh and my underarm is leaking again. 

illusions

Everything about you just leads to an illusion it's a fantasy that breaks my heart because I know when I awake to reality again. I suffer endless in silence. You made me so (emo) emotionally unstable. As I listened and felt you there but not really exist your just an illusion and now the tears roll down my face again. What if I never become real? Will I just create a fantasy world and go mentally insane? I imaged you here using your hands to wipe my tears, but then I remembered I probably wouldn't have a reason to cry anymore. I don't wanna feel anything anymore let me just live in this illusion where we are nysc and I can feel the pulse in your chest. Just remember to breathe. I wish I could see you there in your equinox. I'm bearly holding on anymore. In my illusion I meet with you in the outside without anyone around. You would have time for me and just me as I do you. An experience I haven't been able to describe. Let's walk a trail let me knock on that door. I feel damaged because the only way ever experience any of this is in an illusion in reality I haven't been able to do anything even close to you. I wish my reality would end because I'm sick of all this suffering. In my fantasy I'm not a virgin to all this stuff that everyone knows how to do but me. What's your favorite meal, tv show, hobbies, etc.? Whats your likes and dislikes? What your address? Where can I find you? Can we have a cookout together? My reality is bent and broken and it's so hard to keep breathing when I'm unable to do anything I'm still stuck living in this illusion. 

shh happy thoughts rhymes

You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know just how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away. I still burn for you like the sun burns in the sky I still burn for you. Up in flames up in flames light a match and burn it to my name. 

Your the brightest star in the sky burning light into my life.

Omg am I going crazy? Creating fantasy again. As I sit here and the tears rolled down my face my new favorite song is sky to earth. Maybe I'm cursed because I didn't mean to electricify or shock you I didn't mean to hurt you it felt like it was the second time. All I do is constantly harm. Why must I keep non-intenially harming you. There seems to be no recovery from this heartache maybe I should just give up. 

march15

I'm very upset how long will it take? I'm sick and tired of growing old here without any beginning and it's like I'm always left on the back burner. I'm so sick and tired of waiting for my turn. So today in school the guest was from a company I've tired to get into for the past year, but it's like I'm always playing the waiting game. I'm also sick of going to school and watching other students younger then I get a start or as they say foot in the door. Then they All disappear. All I got was a business card. I got so angry because I know when I go back home it's just endless silence again. I did however got to throw in there I'll take any position. Then I thought too myself yeah I'm that tired and desperate. This other student wouldn't shut up about his new job and I was getting mad cause I'm trying to fix myself. Then the damn teacher wouldn't shut up. It's like I'm always pushed aside to wait enternity. And all this happened after class when I thought I'd have a moment to speak but of course they they are cutting me out again. I'm feeling so low again and I started crying. 

update

So I decided to just buy a truck and now I have to wait until it arrives. I've just been looking at campers and health/life/travel insurances. The good thing about this is I can hitch whatever I want with a truck. Later if I decide to get a boat I can put that on the back. Plus, it be nice to have the truck just by itself when I don't need to tow anything. 

seeking vehicle

Searching for a new ride so I decided to buy an RV. I went to camping world and wasn't happy with what they had at that location. The hunt will still continue. 

sad again

Started looking at some stuff online and than remembered that I can't see anything

 I'm going blind. Then I thought about what if I got in my car and followed a band around, but then I start to cry again because I realize that I couldn't ever see what happens between these locations. Plus I'm just so disconnected from everything and everyone. My reality is a mess I am a mess and I don't think it'll ever change. Everyone will always be unreal and I am the reject. Still crying because I'm forever stuck in the fan zone. I guess I'll never get out of this. I'm so broken. 💔.

again I'm m not getting anywheres

So I went to Columbiaain event for an interview with this guy named Kyle and he said he would only hire for tips and the hour pay would be 3.33. I told him that sounds illegal it's under minimum wage so I guess I'll have to apply some place else. Now I'm trying to find out more information about wages. Here's the site dol.gov. I still don't see where this stuff would be legal. 

upset again

My son got a job at the warehouse a few weeks back went there one day and then quit. Then he gets a good paying job at Harris teeter does training and quits that job. I can't even get hired for any jobs I apply for; he keeps leaving jobs that he gets accepted in. I'm really sick of this isn't not fair that he has to keep hurting me and himself this way. Well tomorrow there's a job interview for us both to go on. I really wish he'd stop upsetting me. 

February 25, 2023

As soon as I park my car I got a text saying are you here? Yep, I replied. Then for some reason I went inside and was seated. Vince yells my name really loud Christina what are you doing?, Come on! I felt like an idiot. I follow him downstairs where's there's a room with a large TV screen a table in the middle and some chairs. There was about 3 vips. I felt sad that there wasn't more he deserves more. Should I even count that other band member? Okay this is weird. I sat down and watched the band had austic guitars just like he said. He was planning to do this with his vip with the announcement on Facebook. At first he wasn't facing me or anyone and his band said you should turn around what are you afraid? (In my mind) Right he should know better then that didn't they train you to never have your back to an audience?? Of course they do. He turns around and starts singing his heart out. I'm just sitting there nervous with the happiest smile on my face, but later knowing what I know about this type of business that feeling fades into the fourth wall stare plus a mixture of eyes shutting which breaks my heart because I'm still daydreaming. Then I start to stare off into everything else and everyone else. Then my mind wonders to I wish it was just the two of us in this room. Anyhow, I didn't take any pictures or record anything at all. I just wanted to live in that moment and feel something. Maybe I should have though because I wanted to keep it forever, but I didn't ask for permission so I didn't do it. Well I can say he definitely aced the planning and setup of a vip experience it was beautiful. There was one problem though, because that austic guitar Imran had wasn't properly stringed. They performed three songs lost, other side, and bloodline. I didn't even notice that the drummer was missing. I must be a mess how could I have not noticed something like that wow my head was just someplace else I guess. Now the band has what is called the original drummer whatever his name is I'm really not paying attention again. Okay, so old dummer in newer drummer out and Imran is leaving the band after this tour. All I know is if Vince leaves the band I'm be really angry. I'm not even sure if he even writes what he sings after hearing him talk bout not knowing literature. I'm so confused now so who is it that wrote the songs? Ok I'm lusting/loving over a ghost now maybe? This is a disaster. I hope this band doesn't fall apart how will I ever see him again I wonder, but I keep quiet. Most of the night I just talked to other bands asking what instruments they play and where they are from. Lots of answers are locally. That's awesome because I always feel like everything is so far away. I've done a lot of dancing or whatever you wanna call it. I was getting excited makes me feel happy. Some guy gave me a Tshirt Gabe Woodrow. Reminds of a country singer you'd see perform at a carnival type venue. The crowd was very fun not dangerous. I also met vinces cousin I didn't know he had other family touring with him. He says he part of a dungeon and dragons wish I knew more about this stuff, but of course I can't seem to align. Maybe because the sky was so dark and gloomy that night. I ended up just saying well you could try writing comics. What am I saying why can't I formulate the right words? I'm not great at putting commas in the right places either, but I do love a poet. Also, I talked breify to a guy who said he's a bookie which I said that sounds very interesting and then he rans away from me. Wow, I'm just having all kinds of communication problems tonight. I guess it's because I'm always on the outside and all I have are textbooks on these things which makes me burn up inside. I'm always terrible at communicating maybe because I can't separate public from private? Or maybe something is wrong with me? Just like while watching the band play there was times when I turned off my phone's camera because I heard some audio errors. There was also this really bad vocal point Vince had kinda made me laugh and then I'm like doing some weird hand signals I guess he couldn't tell he probably wasn't paying attention, but like I said I'm on the outside. I can still notice all the errors in the audio and stuff. Later after getting envious of Vince talking to every girl there besides me. I decided to go talk to that versus me guy he went on an on about how he liked a place but couldn't list the name of it. Anyhow, he said, "The LEDs on their arms wasn't really any meaning to them they just look cool and they are similar to the music video". I told him I'd have to watch that I haven't already. Earlier Vince said that he liked my hair color and there's all this space and he runs away again. Okay, okay I get it stay away from you. I only know this because I know what body language is. I understand what the artist is doing, but still it's driving me nuts. Then I'm outside talking to some people and they are talking about fears. One girl says she's afraid of deep underwater. Another lady says dead rats because her cats keep killing them. And of course I say something really scary, "well once I took a bucket and hammer and killed a mouse so it stop getting in my chicken food". They probably thought I'm insane. It was really scary though right? LOL. I wonder if they fear me after what I said. Earlier this girl greeted me she had some makeup in her hands later I seen her she had a dog very friendly. I petted the dog he seemed to be nice, but as soon as I stopped. The dog started crying. I ended up asking the dog what's wrong why you crying as if the dog can answer me. That was strange. I'm assuming it's not her dog. I guess I just pick up on things like this not really knowing what's going on. 

I've been saying it...

I've been saying it for years and years what does it all add up to? Everyday silence everyday frozen in time everyday the endless silence. All this pain when will it end? Why can't I defrost myself?

alone powerless

So now it's a lot of white mocus smaller amounts of blood. The doctor said I need another colonoscopy done. I don't understand why, when I had the other two why couldn't they diagnose it back then. I'm supposed to get another MRI on my pelvis again. I had one done like 2 years ago and they couldn't tell me anything. So I have to wait until March to get all this testing done. My dermatologist tired to put me on stelara, but insurance company denied it. They are trying to appeal it. I think it's because I started asking questions like can I get an income for this. I've looked online and found some information about this BioLife thing where they pay people for plasma so I've decided I'll try that since everything else is going to shit. I had a phone interview with a local store and was told they are looking over interviews and maybe they will call wait a week. I've been having a hard time filling my schedule, handling stress, finding a income, dealing with this ibs, etc. It seems like no matter what I do I'm just doomed. I get so mad when I read these books for a class I'll never get approved to work in. This semester I only have one class production and it's only an hour long. My son starts his first job at work today. At least he's doing good, so now I'm need me a new car. He still gets a nasty attitude with me and makes me mad. I have no comfort provided for me. I try to get my mind off of things by the TV usage but sometimes it doesn't even help it just makes me hurt even more. I read this article about IBS and it says have a diet plan and mental health I'll probably get denied that service too. I'll have to wait until March to ask a doctor since my primary only does telephone they scheduled me another doctor. I'm sorry, but I stopped hanging out with my aunt because of this as well so now I suffer social isolation. I just felt like I've inherited this my mom and aunt had these types of problems. but they received social security I can't  because due to lack of work credits. I tried a lawyer no success. I was exercising at home I bought a yoga ball and a belt that zaps me, but now I feel like I can't use them no more. I would pay for a program but I'm afraid I won't have enough to pay for basic needs and house taxes if I have a subscription fee every month to a gym. I used to swim at the schools gym, but I can't do that no more because the building is being remodeled. I'm still waiting for a therapist to call me back about scheduling so I can attend that. No big surprise I can't donate blood because of low blood iron. So Ive found a people sharing information on Facebook that says the same problems I have and one that says there's a place in India that can help. https://www.healinghandsclinic.co.in/blog/category/fissure/amp/

So now I see that people are talking in Facebook groups. That hidradenitis suppurativa is all bs. The real problem is Anal Fissure or chorns disease/UC. 

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10151-011-0769-2

feb 15 photos to show what I'm saying

February 15, 2023

Yesterday I had voicemail to move my gastroenterologist appointment up from 3pm to 230 then today because Dr wolf has to leave. I was called and answered the phone told them I was on my way I'm driving. 
Reschedule appt won't be seen in until next week.
Didn't care to look at my photos like there's no time to quick to look at photo rather argue about his time then look at a photo of my blood in the toilet. I will try again next week. Had to pay 4 bucks for parking and I wasn't there long. Got upset started crying. I just feel like this happens all the time with people no one ever has the time for me. I am always waiting for service and time. I'm falling about hopefully they can see that still no one is suggesting anything to be done about this. Went to class today and was giving templates papers of what an casting call sheet looks like and info about a actors equity and repstage. Still mad because that's a waiting game I can't get no one to helpe with this issue either. I'd apply myself but I never had the opportunity for the requirement of one paid show for this. Yep everything in life is just watch the time change while I wait for help and no one witnesses my sorrow. I did apply for a ton of jobs online, but like I said again it's just another waiting game. So back to the house to the dead silence with my internally bleeding butt and zero job but hey I went outside today. Try again next week whenever it's convenient for them to help me with my life issues. 

proof of existence

Who am I? Okay so I can provide proof of my existence, but why can't I make a connection? Where's is my friend to create this timeline with me? Example; if I was to meet someone could you provide your timeline with me? Am I allowed to know who you are? Would you share yourself with me? Who are you? I am an open public book. Why do I feel that the rest of the world is not. And how do I change this? How can I make this better? The wait seems endless. I'm still here waiting for a beginning. Where can I go from here? It's whatever you need whatever you want. I want to give you everything. All my time all my love it's all for you. 

unloved and worthless

Who has showed you that you hold value? Family, work, friends, for me they they all remain zero. Who shares anything good with me? No one. It's facts. What is my purpose? Why must I only have dreams and fantasies, but can't seem to figured out how to have reality? I'm falling down again into the zero given and received. No rights to anything. I'm still going blind over here I can't find nothing to smile about. I'm misery all day everyday. It's supposed to change but it never does. How can I become the opposite? I can't change anything by myself I'm done. I feel like I wanna die goodbye. 

when it hurts again

There's no light it's all never ending time consuming everything and it just leaves me blinded. I can't see any changes being made. I'm just talking.g to myself. It feels like hell and theres no way out. Why did you do this? Severed from my own humanity. There's no purpose no hope for tomorrow or today. It doesn't matter what I go or what I do because you don't care your with her and not me. It was never meant for me and it hurts. I remain broken unrepaired and damaged. I'm going blind to life. I can't see anything it just all remains the same with change to my heart. It's pushed me to my breaking point. Now I see that death is all that remains for any type of change. It hurts to think of you out there with her and not me. I thought you was searching and waiting for me like I've been doing with you endlessly. Please stop this pain.

burn

I wanna watch you burn, burn down the planet like a comet falling out of the sky. Burn everything you've ever known all the encounters and then start again. Put the sun back into the sky and take the road less traveled. Embrace the new era. Build a new foundation. Create a new world order a new place in time. Listen to the sound the leaves falling off the trees. Make a poition, bury it, and start again. Gather resources and build a new tomorrow. Then reflect back and pave a new way again and again. Then capture that design and take another path to the unknown. 

denied never obtained

I'm scared of my own destiny. I'm not sure even if it's going to be a good one. The hands of time are not in my favor. I'm so tired of crying each and everyday. Always waiting for a new beginning. I know life is supposed to have it's ups and downs, but why am I always feeling like I'm on an endless search only to find more tears in my eyes? Why can't I just have an experience? Why can't I just talk, walk, share, take photos, create a story with you? Where are you? Why must I do everything in solo? Please save me. It doesn't matter where I go, but whom I'm with it makes all the difference. Who can give that common connection that feeling? The nysc feeling we are one. Give and take from me. Show me a brighter day. Help me break free from fantasy and live a reality. 

The longing

I'm still here without a beginning without you. I wish you was around to be a part of my life. Be a part of my timeline. I wanna make history where are you hiding? It just feels like all I do is search and it's endless... For a sense of direction a sense of belonging... Acceptance a simple conversation or experience of something more. I wanna feel worthy of value. Can I be special to you? Set me free from my lonely prison. Show me what is it to share, care, and be a part of something bigger then myself. Give me something other then this idle time here walking along in this planet earth. Reach into my darkness and pull me into the light. Help me smile again. Sing your heart out help me shine. Is it all destiny? Will happen before it's too late? Or will I have to wait until the world is over? Don't wait me wait another day. Show me what it means to live again. Save me from the emptiness inside and give me purpose. What is personal? What is it like out there in the unknown? I guess I'll never know everything just sounds like I don't know how... How to get out of this broken home. I wish I could ride with you. Think about 5 minutes 5 years... In my tears for years I see that nothing which never changes my physical, mental, and social life is resulting into a nothing which leads to a death. Will it kill me at age 55? Am I running outta time? My physic abilities are not showing me what's ahead. What happens if I listen to everyone and nothing changes? What if I obey everything and still nothing changes? Will I just remain on mute to everyone and everything forever? I'm so sick of the outside. Will I ever be invited to the inside??

you are my fantasy

You are heaven sent I could only pray for that blessing to bestowed upon me. I found you in a dream. Your glow is illuminating and awaking. I just need to find a way to break free from this fantasy and bring you into reality. Am I even human? Break me out of this dark prison where I remain. Show me how to embrace a new way. Another day into a new chapter where the warthm of the day is filled with your starlight guiding ever part of you and me into our new universe. Break free from this fantasy and let's a new reality. I stand alone in this fantasy awaiting on your arrival. 

don't blind me no more

I'm still here without a beginning without you I wish you was around to be apart of my timeline. I wanna make a history where are you hiding? It just feels like all I do is search and it's endless .. a sense of belonging... Acceptance a simple conversation and an experience of something more. I want to feel worthy and valued. Set me free from my lonely prison. Show me what it's like to share, care, to be there. To be a part of something more then my idle time here. Reach into my darkness and pull me out into the light. Help me smile again sing your heart out to me help me shine. Is it all my destiny? Will it happen before it's too late? Or do I have wait,,wait until this world is over? Don't make me wait another day show me what it means to live again. Save me from the emptiness I hold inside and give me purpose...

addiction

So I have discovered that even if I quit all my addictions that "they" say is bad for me. The end result is that it didn't change my life. I'm still endorsing the same lifestyle. Nothing even matters. I don't care anymore I'm sick of doing what you want while your happy but I'm Not seeing any change with me. I'll do whatever you ask of me but still it doesn't help me. I'm still hopeless. If anything now I have zero to look forward to everyday. 

last prayer to godzside

Calling out to the heavens waiting for an experience as I travel into the unknown I carry the weight of loosing. Searching for a realtionship a magic moment in time where it continues I to the next day.. I have this erge to blossom because I've never been given growth. I wanna lift the veil from my eyes show me something new. Can I put you into my sights my moments in time like a moving picture frame. I'm calling out to the heavens again calling out for progress, change, enlightenment. End my suffering kill the silence give me hope for the future. Save my soul help me make my dreams a reality. I call upon the heavens where it's all inside my head it's a dream that's where I find you. I've become a ghost even to myself. I've been communicating with the heavens again and the gods are not responding, but then again they did said I am God. I have choices but I can't do them on my own alone. I need access to a schedule, time, space, place, and people. Without this I drift right back into that black hole of silence never ending. Where are you it's like I'm going death and blind at the same time. I'm calling out to the heavens and I need to know what is this message I'm supposed to receive? Who am I, where am I going, will the daily silence ever end? As day turns into night and the hands of time change I'll be right here still waiting for my beginning with you. I feel so disconnected from my own humanity please save me. Let me live with what I'm living without.