dreams and reality

That's what holds me back so yeah I see a home and land for sale and think I can do this let me contact an agent ...and then let me get a rental home to sell out so I can make some money, but then the dream died out and reality came creeping back and said you won't do it because then you'll be all alone you won't have mommy no more your already loveless and friendless and to not have mom around anymore but tons of money will leave you lonely. You know your just going to sit around here where mommy is until someday someone comes along and wants to hold your hand and walk this journey with you. You too damn scared to do it on your own and the money won't bring you real love or friends. So whats new? Same old story. 

forsaken

Here's what you never shared with me:

1. Acceptance

2. The storm

3. A helping hand

4. Communication

5. Cooking/cleaning

Okay stop numbering I cant count to infinity

A drive

Kiss

Jewelry

Money

Brother & sisters

A hobby

A phone call

Books

A photo

A trip

Camping

Fishing

Bowling

Okay this list could go on and on until the end of time....

I'm done with this suffering

idleness

I think that's why this is happening this is why your in dead silence because now no one can tell you what you can or can't do. I've earn my own self expression. The weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm free to make my own choices now since there's no humans around to make me feel like I'm never going to be worthy enough. No one can harm me now it's like I'm unstoppable. What good are friends anyways? they aren't really your friends when all your money runs out anyways. What is so good about having man in your life when you'll never share anything other then sex? You've gained zero respect from humanity in the first place. Take a walk and hold your own damn hands buy yourself your own jewelry. Why do you need any humans when all they ever do is make you talk to ghosts in the first place. I'm give you what you gave me zero memories made, zero experience, zero pictures, zero communication. Thank you for what you turned me into. This is the life journey that you let me bleed it it out all alone. Share this moment with me humanities answer is always no I'm sorry and the result is always get that paper money rules everything forget everything else. Let's make a memory on your own because your never there. I never was the rat race type of person who chased after that evil shit. What am I? I am the seeker of smiles, fun, parties, an experience. I'd rather sit and watch the leaves in a tree fall off then run after that evil shit. I'd rather hangout with a homeless person and listen to their complaining or whatever. I'd think I'd have more respect from that then what your giving, but I still enjoy my solitude even when it drives me crazy. I'm tired.

june 2021

Would I be normal if I didn't realease tears every single day of my life? My life experience of a realtionship with friendships and a soulmate is zero always has been. Am I locked inside a pen and paper or this damn textbox forever? Even the devil has allies and a family. I've been waiting to goto heaven to meet my heavenly father, but still no luck. Will I forever be the woman who talks to herself and just writes her life away? I wanted to share with the world photos and memories made but I still never figured out how. My life experience consists of me saying what's wrong with me everyday. I live in the nothing the empty this place is all I've ever known. I just wish I knew why I'm like this? I could go outside in the public but it still won't anything. It doesn't matter where I go or what I do I still end up with the same messages. It doesn't matter how much time has pastby it's still remains the same. I could find a job or go-to school or whatever but I'd still be unhappy and cry everyday even when I did those things. All these things are tempary because after whatever connects us people together they still go home. And I still wonder why am I here? And I never like being at home at all. They say home is where the heart is then I have no heart. When I see other people living their lives telling their stories they filled with friends love and family. When I look at myself I can't see any of those things only anger. I see me typing this this is all I've ever had year after year. Then I look at other people and see how they grew but I'm still just frozen in time. I've only made small changes. Am I even alive? I mean what is this shit? Is my camera my only friend family ally? Is my textbox the only thing I'll ever know? What is wrong with me? What is controlling this making me like this and why? I still feel worthless. Will I forever just be lost in right here and now? Will this be the only feeling I've ever felt or mental picture I've ever taken? It seems like it. What is wrong with me? Why am I insane for always waiting for life to begin. Am I supposed to be begging something? I can't even think straight did I spell that right? Begin beg in beg into what? Okay now I'm just gone off the rails again. I can't even think straight. It's always so silent here. I met a new friend outside a brown and white bunny has been visiting me lately. I don't think it like carrots though my indoor rabbit lighting loves those things. Maybe this is the only form of communication I'm get in life. Too bad I couldn't learn to speak animal. I guess I'll do that now.

everlasting light

Follow it, be earn it, obtain it. This will be your power it will clear the path into the unknown. It will release all the stress and pressures of your reality. Don't ever forget to never stop taking those steps towards making your dreams a reality. Even if you get caught up by other people or things that keep you from reaching that dream today just keep on remembering what is my objective. Always stay on that path even when your lead away from it and don't take too long if it's taking too long your doing something wrong reevaluate it and head for that objective or goal and don't ever give up. I will not only obtain the light, but I will be the light, and I will bathe in it. It's your destiny. Dream it plan and then built it. Just do it! It's the path to enlightenment. 

don't let others judgement be the end of you

Remember when people make you feel like your always being rejected, told no, or I'm sorry. Don't ever live in that pain forevermore holding onto the anger because it won't allow you to see the light. To reach inner peace with the light you must go somewhere new over and over again until all the "no's" I'm sorry become yes. Also find something that will make you feel better about yourself not weigh you down. Find healing and bliss in everyday live life as if everyday is your last. And follow the riches because there's no gain in the poverty unless your volunteering in a poor economy which I wouldn't recommend that either. Don't let them destory you. Open your eyes wake up to the truth and it will set you free.  Become the person they need and can't live without then you've just gained value. When god says treat others the way you would want to be treated and you can't get it together then stop and move along try and try again someplace else. Don't wait for a savior because it's never going to happen make them want to play that role. 

what do u call it?

Do I just continue to call myself crazy? Will I forever stay hidden away from the things that could possibly create a change in my life or the state of mind? Or what if I just give up because I'm too tired of trying or being patient. Have I just become this because it's who I am supposed to be or is it because of the connections that made me this way? 

now what..

What is it now? What if I said that I haven't been blessed yet by god. What if I want the longing for something for so long to end. And what happens when it does end and then the longing for it is gone then what kind of world would I be in? Would my death be without longing for the human nature of things? Would this bring me to a heaven or a hell should I even care? What if it's a place where there's no humanities, no communication, just the empty nothing. Maybe I'll become a mute and maybe I'll be okay with it because its a whole new world where nothing is the only thing you need to find peace. Maybe happiness isn't needed maybe there's just something new to experience. Maybe I'll turn into a fish that lives in the water but wants to breathe air? Not literally but aren't I already here. Maybe I'd become something better then what gods free will has given me. Also because of this free will it's always our own faults. Because if that not sure if it's even human can make a plan for humans in heaven why didn't he plan it for them on earth? But then again maybe I just lost my brain again maybe I need a new one. heaven might be a place that is unique to everyone depending on what? their humanity? Or maybe I'm lost would like to go-to hell because that's where everyone else is? So what if I'm not a person no more then what would I be? All I know is that it would change everything. The way I feel and experience everything. To be something else is just another mind game to excape the pressure. 

everydayness

Everyday is exactly the same. Dead silence filled with tears. Yesterday, tomorrow, the next what's the point of typing this when you know it won't change. Smacking myself in the face is loosing it's pleasure. I just wish I could blackout and never awake again. So where's your savoir now?