Wednesday 7/28/21

I'm sick of living again I don't wanna wake up. I punch myself in the face again. I cry again. What's the point I'm just talking to myself. I just wish I could never never wake up because this shit never ends. There's no cure or maybe the cure is death. What's the point in living a loveless virus life anyhow? Take me away. I can't even masterabe because I know it'll just make me even sicker and more ugly. Why won't it end? There's no hope for any kind of future of happiness. All I do is pretend I'm sick of it. There's no forgiveness for this shit. I took that darn car back as money I spent in it I could have went on a vacation. So now I have no car until mines gets fixed. Mom got crabs today and I got into the pool. Now trying to relax and clean up house abit. Going back into gaming.

faded away like the hands of time

Remember when I was younger and friends of friends would sit around showing off their soda cap bracelets they made. Remember how they used to draw on the walls. Now that I'm older I don't experience any of this no more it's just endless silence and the only thing anyone seems to care about is money. When did the world become so broken? 

monday

July 26 2021 there's no warped tour I'm mad. I went outside and weed Wacker some bushes and grass. Helped Ryan put a chair together. Called about my car still no response. 

Friday 7/23/21

I went on the computer search for jobs. Then I went out back and spent most of the day putting wire fence on the chicken coop. Ryan actually came outside to help without me asking that was nice of him. Then told mom happy birthday she went to the casino. I jump into the pool cleaned it a bit. Went and pick Teresa went to Walmart. Came home watched tv and fell sleep watching blood red sky. Some movie about vamps on a plane. 

thursday 2021

Went to store with mom then made salads. Put some of the netting on the chicken coop but I couldn't finish because I ran outta time it got dark. Ryan tried to help for two minutes then walks away. Hes never learned how to do anything in life besideale my life miserable. I can't try to teach him anything because he always gives up after two minutes. I'm very depressed now back to crying. I do it all on my own by myself. Hell be 21 this year with no future but to get fat. I don't like him very much. Why won't he develop into man? He won't grow up. Which reminds me all I've ever gained for family is verbal abuse. Also everytime I want to try something new I'm called mean names. I told him I already used some ties on one side just continue it to the other instead he just did it all wrong with two ties and quit. It hurts so much how come I'm the only person in my family who will do these things and everything else is just an attitude or I'm speaking to myself? It won't change. I can change everything on my own but it's life damaging. I might as well be living alone. Since I do everything for myself by myself anyhow. I don't like negative attitudes. I try to be light but I'm out numbered. Now the silence begins. 

God please unbreak me

Help me get over my fears and take control of my life and get paid for being a good person and doing the right things and being rewarded for them. I'm so sick and tired of living my life in the darkness with the evil. I'm so tired of this it needs to change now. This is why I always say money is the root to all evil. Because my whole life for me to obtain money I would have to lie and and I'm sick of it. I had been paid money from death, lies, plagues, etc. I'm tired of this I just want to be honest and earn it. God help me overcome my fears. I want to feel like I'm worthy not worthless. I want to feel like I've earned it. I want to have confidence to be a good honest person. Right now the state is saying the plague isn't paying out unless you get a job I really want to but I keep finding myself crying and hyperventilating with stress over trying to answer questions. I've struggled with this for a very long time. When I was driving for Uber I felt like I was getting paid for doing something good but then I'm not even sure why they fired me. They did have my account mixed up with someone else they said but then after that error was corrected they still fired me I asked them to email a report why I got fired I never got it. I guess people didn't like me because I think I ended with a 4.4 when the app makes u stay a 4.5 stars. When I worked at Toby's and they told me not to come back after one day. I felt like I got paid for just climbing into small dark spaces to use a wrench. I felt like I was unprotected from climbing the ladder if I fell I had no harness. I felt like I didn't have enough experience to do anything on my own and I just was a helper of someone else. I don't even know my own value or how I can actually do something and be paid for doing something good. Well I guess I could say I've done some volunteering in the past. The only reason why I like volunteering over asking for payments is because I always felt like I'd be in denial like I'm not worthy of doing something and being rewarded. So I struggle really hard trying to get myself out there to go on an interview I'm not sure how to fix this or get help. Remember before covid I was grub hubbing and I was suspended for forgetting to get the drink from taco bell. I never contacted the company because I was afarid to talk to a human, so I just went back to school instead. 

my mind is going mad

Why is it I remember bits and pieces of things but not everything it's like someone stole parts of my memories. Why is it that over time I can't distinguish what really happened or was it just a dream? Why does the sands of time take away history. How am I supposed to know the difference between what's true or what's a lie? Has my mind gone mad and made up stuff that's not even happened. I feel like I've been here before like Ive said this before and I'm just repeating myself over and over again. I just want to shut off my mind. Will anyone ever hear me? 

break out the box

I need to overcome my fears and break out of the box I've been in for so long. So is it insanity that keeps me here? Should I keep going back to the same place to try to improve myself Or should I just start someplace fresh some place new? When will I break free of the fears that left me in the dark for so long? I need to form an connection to a place that will allow it but I fear I'm still broken inside. I can't tell the difference between acceptance or rejection. I need to break out of this box. Dear lord set me free give me the headspace to clear the fears and renew the life that was once broken. Take a leap a faith into the unknown. Break away from here and start over again why is it my biggest fear but yet my strongest desire? 

thursday

Messed up my hands abit got all the grass off the pool sides. Power washed out back since I did the front yesterday. I even painted the front doors. No headaches today. Swam in the pool. Made chicken and drink mountain dew. Now all I do is yawn.