I'm done with trying to fit in this world

I might be broken but at least there's no one around to tell me what I have to do or where I need to go. I can make my own choices. If anyone doesn't like what I do or don't do then stay away from me. And if I spend all my money and don't have an income so be its not like I live in a happy home anyhow. So if I never rise up in life and if I fall down to the lowest low so what. Nothing matters I'm still be me. Even if it hurts or I end up homeless. Nothing seems to matter I just deal with whatever happens. I might be worthless, non-skilled, or whatever but I don't care anymore. I'm sick of fighting. I'm so done. I'll just do whatever I'm doing today tomorrow and so forth. Don't let it destory you remember that don't let it make you crazy again. Just back to life is beautiful and your okay. It doesn't matter if your not out there making money like everyone else is. If you end up without a job just remember you can always sell everything inside your home. It's going to be okay. The only problem is I feel like I have no self worth. It's like all the items do but me as a person doesn't. Okay stop thinking and just try to live your life as best as you can. 

what does it matter

Why should I even care? I mean once the money ends in September I should have a job by then but still what's the point of making money when it comes and goes and it's never there forever. Even if I never get over my fear of not being good enough or meeting requirements. Why should I even care the world is dying anyhow. Plus I live a loveless life. I'm so sick of being the head of the household why can't I just find a rich man to do that for me and let me find myself? Plus I never seem to change anyhow. I'm not even sure how to feel self worth so how can I make others make me feel worthy? I don't really have no purpose in life.  Never going to fit in with society if I haven't before what makes you think it'll change now? Plus with or without money I'm still unhappy anyhow with my fake smiles. Ive always lived in fear and I will continue to do so just because this is what god gave me. I'll let god choose my destiny I'm not even going to try anymore because I know if I do I'll end up doing the same thinking and seeking process I've been on my whole life and it won't change anything besides my mental state will become very very depressed and sad. So I'm going back to not caring about anything but whatever happens to me in life is my answer. I'll continue being me and doing whatever I'm going to do alone because I don't need anymore stress. 

Monday 2021

Tears for years about to start crying again. I guess I wouldn't be me without the tears. Why do I cry because the lack of support teamwork coop etc. What am I supposed to just keep playing this playstation in solo mode? Just like yesterday I played online be with the broadcast on it made me look like trash. I turn off twitch and I'm able to beat the game. I was getting mad. Now I'm upset because it's too hard to find help with 100k nf and grandmaster. On the brightsidey chicks are doing well none of them need bottle force feed they all moving around eatting on their own now. 

Friday 13th 2021

Baby chicks birthday don't forget

fanastyland

Time to dream again to believe in something. One of my fanastys is to know what it feels like to be human. To feel something that is so easy and simple to others but I still haven't experienced, yet. This could be a very long list. Start simple pleasures iny fanastyland. You'd say it's okay I've never done this either and we walk around holding hands talking about what makes life great and what we dream about. I'd probably say something like I'm scared because the fear doesn't allow me to be myself. You'd pick a flower for me and stare into my eyes. That's the time when I'll be the most nervous. You place it behind my ear or in my hair. I feel like a character out of a storybook. That's when you lean in closer and you kiss me. I wonder what it would feel like to have that kind of human emotion. I'm not sure how I would react or feel. Would I even do it right? I'm not sure I've tried french kissing myself but it doesn't seem to work. It's like I don't know how to do these things. Is there a method to it? Am I supposed to move in and out or around in a circle or all the above? How do you even? Or do you suck tongue? I don't even know how to do it wow my nervous is kicking in again. Am I supposed to have my eyes open or closed? What if you don't like how I kiss? Or Is it going to be magical? Is it okay to dream about this? Can I make it a reality? 

 

-without

In fear I live because the simple pleasures in life are in denial. Cut out from existence the darkness won it took over, but not anymore. Unable and afraid the fear that holds me back from the experiences that could have been what I needed to save myself. I found myself more comfortable with myself alone without judgement of others. I'm able to choose my own now. Sometimes I still get mad because when I'm talking to myself there's no feedback which makes me bitter. I just wanna exist with the freedom to say whatever is on my mind at any given time without fear. No one is telling me where I need to be what I should he doing etc. I am now free.

bent

I don't even know where to begin. Is everything magic? Must live for the excitement the joy that gets your heart pumping. A story such as a dream within a dream. I can feel it coursing through my veins. Could this be that simple? Time flows like a river and change is occurring non-stop flowing around us from now and forever. I'm going to cloud my mind until I can see the devine. The future is overflowing with pride and grace with the power of light to guide the way. I've followed the rainbow to the end and found that the beginning and end was all the same. There's so many colors of the rainbow that paint the visions of tomorrow. 

in the new

Who should I be? Whatever Is choosen at any given time. What should I do? Dream and then break those dreams into reality.  I want to crossover into another kingdom where I can see taste and smell the dreamscape. I will create an imangry world where I can become the innermost light. I am seeking and living for the excitement. Get your thrills and kicks as they say. Don't pay no mind to the evil ones. Open up to a new era erase the pain of yesterday and start anew today breathe again. A shower of fresh air and a sprinkle of sunshine. Float away to land. Listen to the heavens they are calling on you. Watch as this beauty unfolds. Can I break away from all the barriers and make more dreams come to life? Step into the unknown breakout of your prison. Don't be the begger make them beg you. Even when the voices in your head try to steer you out of it. Don't listen to them you be the bigger person and show them that you deserve the right to humanity. You are someone worthy. You might now matter to anyone else but only you can hug yourself back into lalaland. Don't wait for a savior you'll go mad. You got this rise above the rest and renew relax and be better then ever before. Tell yourself the things that no one else will say. 

tranquility is coming

I'm done with my humanity I've become all animal. I will find love and comfort within the silence and begin a new language with nature. Since now I have solitude and no one to yell at me about money all the time I'm at peace. I'm now not influenced or controlled by any humans. I've lost all desires for mankind. And now I've found freedom. Now I'm able to make my own choices and live the way I would want to. I can finally open all the windows. I will be stronger and better now. I'm giving myself what no one else ever has. 

life I've never experience and my time will expire first

There's so much I can say here that I don't have experience with I might even leave a few things out. So I've never known what's it's like to go on dates with guys because I've always been too afarid to try. I've never got to hold hands and walk around. What is a kiss? What is it to have a guy build you a garden or a home? A man who changes diapers? A picture of me and man together. I don't even know what a friendship is. It's really sad because all my life that's all I ever dreamed of but still haven't experienced. What is a good relationship? Now that I'm fourty years old I'm still asking and writing the same things as I did when I was younger nothing has changed. The only life experience I feel I've ever experienced was I'm not good enough because I won't get over my fear of getting a job or at least that's what my mom says. I still feel like I'm too broken to even do that I'm scared to be yelled at all the time. Plus I'm inexperienced. That's all I've ever been. Than I think about how I used to have a therapist that said I was afarid of change. Maybe I am but it's only because of what I've actually been experiencing. Then I think about how everyone keeps saying that I am insanity because I always repeat the same things in life expecting a different result. Maybe because I am whatever someone else creates me to be. I don't know how to control my own destiny I just do what's expected of me or what I'm told, but then again that's not even good enough. Everyday I talk to myself I cry a bit and then try to come up with ideas how can I fit in or belong or be worthy or anything at all but then I never find it. I just deal with this as they happen and I never find support or the right type of it's completed. For example look at my car it goes into shop they say it's done but yet I gotta take it back because the check engine light is still on. This is always what's happens in my life I'll keep trying to fix my life, health, home, family, and friends and it doesn't matter what I do I still remain broken. Also I've found that I don't get these things done in a timeframe either. I see how everyone else how time limits and they get stuff done but with me nothing happens time just goes by for a very long time with no success.  I'm still here the same as I was 20 years ago. I don't think I'll ever understand what's wrong with me? I can't even get anyone to properly diagnose me. All I ever feel is broken, unworthy, useless, isolation, infected, etc. I blame it on because no one ever helped me not feel this way. I'm even not sure if there's a god or a santan anymore. I've lost all faith in everything. Everything everyday is just me and myself what I can do for myself. Also all by myself. I have conversations with myself. I even call myself crazy. I'm not sure if I am or not. My son doesn't seem to care about what I do or don't do. He doesn't even show me kindness and anymore. He did when he was younger but now nothing. Although he's here it's like he's not. It's been like this for a long time. Why do I feel like I've written all this before in the past. I know because I have and I continue to do so because it never changes. Why is it that I can receive temporary I can't even spell it temporary kindness from strangers, but at home all I feel is pain? Why does my family life only consistent of sadness? How come I never learned how to feel whole or complete happiness? Why do I always commicate with text? You know why because it's all you have. It's the only form of communication you have when your not talking at loud to yourself. I even have to hug myself. Still trying to figure out how to kiss myself. I won't even kiss my mom because how sick she looks. Then I remember why no one will ever do the same to me. Also I'm so tired of feeling like in order to feel that I must work or at least that what mom tells me all the time. Sometimes I think we'll what if I did get a job and there's no men there or the company policies say that relationships are not allowed. I don't think she understands. Plus I did work for awhile and I never met anyone all they care about is what you can do for them they don't give a shit about your personal life. I don't even have a personal life I've made mines all public. I'm honest and open about everything because that's all I got here. Still I feel like no one understands me. I am the outcasted the abused the rebel the one who will never fit into anything or anyone. I create a pretend world an imaginary world where I don't have to think about all the things I'm absent from. I still get awkward feelings when I see other people outside with their displays of happiness when I am not. I try to hide it away as much as I can but I still feel the pain or the emptiness whatever you wanna call it. I feel so fake. I think I do very good at covering it up, but on the inside I'm still broken. 

in the mist of the night

Well it's after 5 am I went to sleep last night around 9pm I must have been tired after the fishing and eatting all the food the day before. Now I'm swore got my period. I gotta take my car back on Monday cause they lefty car check engine light on and they said it was done this is a mess and another mess that wasn't clean needs to be fixed. What's wrong with these people. Just once I like to live in a world where there's close to perfection. I'm tired of everything being half-assed. My back and stomach hurts. Oh and I didn't catch any fish yesterday just kept loosing worms. I tired a big eagle claw with some other lure that has two three prong hooks none of that seemed to help. I'm getting sleepy again. I watched this tv show the other day 3 seasons worth called atypical. It was a show about a boy who has autism. I still played destiny 2 a little bit. I try to not spend most of my time on that game. Well back to restmode.