Sunday August 27, 2023

It's so hot outside today. And still I'm depressed thinking what's wrong with me. Why do they fail at everything why am I not good enough. I guess nothing really ever changes does it. I got this mtn dew Caribbean splash flavor it doesn't seem too bad unless I drink too many. I might have to limit how many I drink. God why am I so ugly? I still feel worthless. So many things and yet so much too do and not to do. Trying to think of what to do to fill the empty spaces between. Even when it's so bright outside I still feel so dark within me. Well I guess I'll go back to my gaming. 

Friday August 25, 2023

I'm dying inside it hurts all the time. Wishing I could just pull you closer to me. I wanna place my hand on your heart stare deeply into your eyes and we lean into each other and romantically share a kiss. Would it be wrong would it be right? Would you pull me in closer or just drift away? Could we just go someplace together where the rest the world doesn't exist? Could I hold your hand and walk with you? Could we just talk about life and other things. What is inner beauty and how can I find it? Could we watch the sunrise together? Could we step into the unknown. Laugh, cry play and make new memories together. I'm so tired of living in denial. Always waiting and searching for something I'll never find because I am frozen in time. I always feel like there's no beginning because everytime it begins it ends before it even started. I don't wanna feel like I have to wait until I'm dead and gone to goto heaven. Why can't I experience it now while I'm still living? Don't set me up for failure no more demons be gone. I can't seem to break them. Save me from this darkness. I wish I could feel happiness and I wish I could share that with you. Where has my wasted age gone to? Why is my timeline so timeless? Do I always remain with unanswered questions? How can I fix this? What should I do? I'll let my destiny pathe the way. 

my fantasy

My hopes and dreams was that I could have helped you on your journey. Maybe help with creating content for a music video. I wish I could have helped you sell and market your stuff. I wish I could have help you brainstorm with the lyrics of songs. Maybe even drove you guys around to shows. I know it'll never happen but that was just the beginning of what I was secretly dreaming. Then we would have fell in love and built a private dream together. I can't get into all the details of what I wish upon a star for all I can say is that. There's no reality for me I just keep living in a fantasy. 

destiny destroyed

It was nice seeing Vincent wearing my bracelets. He always makes me feel happy about that. I wish there was more I could gift him. I wish he'd inspire more creativity in me. I'll always feel like I'll never be good enough. I started trying to dig up some information about him online, but I can't really find enough. I wish I knew who it is that he's seeing so I can find out why I'm not good enough. I sat there and thought about what is it that she has that I don't. What is wrong with me? All I could find was a picture of him and his parents with I guess that's his girlfriend. I'm jealous of her I wish I knew who she is. I really wanna earse her out of the picture and put me there, but I'm just having those evil thoughts mixed with fantasy and dreams again. I hate this. 

August 22, 2023

Everyday I think about how am I going to fix this? How am I going to fix myself? Why can't I answer these questions? I live in a world of denial. I didn't get dream guy. I didn't land the dream job. There's no stability in my life. How do I know where to go next in life? I'm not sure where to go or what to do or what to do next. How can I make a better tomorrow? I feel like a reject. Now I'm thinking what if I go back to school, but then now I'm having thoughts about how it's similar to home. Everyone my age is older already in a career and marriage life. I feel like the child left behind. Even if I go back to school I'll be surrounded by kids people younger than I am. I'm just left with that feeling of denial no acceptance. Where can I go to join a club or some kind of place where I can fit into people of my age? What's my age again? Great now I'm thinking of blink 182. If there's a god out there help me find your plan. People always say God has a plan. So where is my plan? Where can I place a place of belonging. Where can I find like minded people to surround myself? What am I searching for? I want no I need happiness. In order to have happiness I need a group of like minded people around my age to collaborate with. I also need that career that will enable all my dreams to come true. I'm left with the feeling that none of it is available to me. How can I fix this? Where can I go? What can I do? What is the first step I should take to find my way to you? I feel so damaged so broken beyond repair. I don't wanna be stuck in repair forever. Please show me the way. Help me outshine the darkness I've been living in for so long. All my hopes and dreams are now shattered. Which I never really got to talk about. Why did you destroy me? I feel like I am loosing hope for a future. It was over before it even began. Not only do I suffer from broken heart, but my future my lifestyle my livihood has been compromised. Am I doomed to stay this way forever? Please give me a sign. How can I fix this? I just wanna feel worthy and valued. I wanna work on making myself a better person, but how can I when I can't find a sense of belonging? So I ask again and again how can I fix this? What do I need to do? Where do I need to go to make my life better? I'm so tired of being broken. I need a better pathway. Where can I go from here? I'm so tired of wasting my timeline away for nothing ever after. It hurts so much.  What is it that I need to do to fix this how can I make it better? 

August 21,2023

Tomorrow Im going to try to get back into school along with my new work. Today I'm trying to straighten out some over these bills. My stomach is killing me. I'm praying for myself to get better. Cried a few times. Just like savage hands said I don't wanna love no more. Just as I expected nothing will ever change for me. I'll just keep doing the same things over and over again. I am the heartless the soulless and always will be the broken. I finally faced my fears today and the rejection was real. He told me he's unavailable. All my hopes and dreams like I've said over and over again destroyed. Thanks for awakening me to always being the failure. The unwanted unloved and valueless. I can't even live in fantasyland no more. All I can do is hope I don't get rejected tomorrow.

broken the broken that I am

Now I go see the stars live a beautiful life while I just die inside. Speaking of that I do have a shirt that says I'm dead inside. The whole time I decided to stay clear of Vince. I just did what I normally do and watch the shows. I kinda wanted to suffer or maybe I wanted him to suffer. He never did approach me. He did notice I was there when he got on stage. At the end I went over to him and I'm glad I did it felt so nice in his arms. Maybe I really did need a hug. He even called me love. Ok this is driving me crazy. His breath smelled really terrible, yet I still wanted to climb inside his mouth. Why is his stinky mouth in my face what is wrong with me? Stop doing that your making me insane in the back of my mind. See that's why I wanted to keep my distance he drives me crazy. He said soon he'll start writing a new album. I still feel stuck in the fanzone. Everytime I touch him I'm so warm and happy but then I go home sad. Which is the same reason why I wore my sad summer shirt. I didn't really to get speak to him at all. I wish I could have held him in my arms longer, but that's all he ever is with me small increments measures of time that just fade away into existence. I miss him already but I know my place I am nothing to him. Now I cry again. Well at least I have these photos. I didn't stick around after I just left. I didn't wanna leave but I know my place. Plus I'm never invited to anything. Plus I'd rather be with him outside of the concert. It seems like a dream that will never come true. I'm just a doomsday loser. A loner and that will never change. Remember I never change. I am the broken the unloved and unsupported Christina and I'll always remain this way. It's just me, myself, and I. I'm done with wishful thinking. I'm done with hopes and dreams. I'm just done with it all. I'll just indulge with my Nothing ever after. Forever just talking to myself again and again.