may 26,2023

I miss you already it makes me crazy. Why does it seem like you don't want me to follow you around? Then you told me I have to wait until August to see you again. It feels like forever that's too long. I should have just told you or asked you to come with me on my vacation, but I really wanna take you home with me. Why is it so hard for me to ask you? Maybe because I fear rejection because all I know is heartache and pain. I just want more time with you. I need you. I love you are everything I've ever dreamed of. I thought you was my fate maybe I'm just doomed to be broken forever. I'm so tired of waiting for a beginning. I wish I could stay in your arm forever. I need to find a way to make you love me. Tell me how? I'd do anything for you. I even transformed myself. I'm not the same person I used to be but I'm not sure if that's even helping. Tell me what do I need to do to make you love me? 

may 15 2023

Been busy all day head is pounding not feeling good at all. I just went ahead and reapplied to the job I should be doing which will lead a path to my career I'm supposed to be doing. Ate some soup haven't really had much today. Took some aspirin still feel ill. Made some appointments to help me improve somethings. Collected some eggs. 

connectionless

It's an empty world there's nothing that binds us. There's no security for tomorrow nothing is the only promise I can receive from you. I've lost track of time what's wrong with my timeline? The cycle remains. The warning signs have always been there. Divided I remain emptiness remains. Can you hear me? It's that lack of stability that's keeps me here. My thought process and short term memory functions don't work correctly but no one will identify it properly. I've been this way for a very long time.

others not me

Other people have many things they do during the days that past by people they connect with they work school and family with. As for me I never have that no one to confide in to talk to to support to hug me when I'm feeling down. I still cry every single day. Always waiting.... I don't understand what's wrong with me. When I go home I do this and this with them and this. Everyone has a story you fill in the blanks. When I go home I cry and wonder why am I still here and why can't I change? I'd go back to church but wait haven't I said all this years and years before. I'd go to therapy but it costs money I'm not trying to pay and then see no progress lack of service. Maybe I should just eat myself to death since it's the only thing concrete in my life. Maybe I'm just better off being the slave unpaid homemaker do all the hard labor at home while sitting on the playstation staring at myself and no one even watches me. Half the time I can't even get people to play the damn game with me. There's something wrong with me my head hurts. There I go again I've been saying this since the 1990s. Hello text again my only thing I've ever known. I'm that frozen time capsule unable to find my own way. All that remains is me stuck on an endless loop of everything will always remain the same. 

may 14 2023

Well I failed the exam everyone else in the lifeguard class passed besides me. Then I got home couldn't even park the car in the garage right. My head still hurts and I can't stop crying. I don't know maybe because I still feel alone I can't even get a hug. I can't focus or comprehend stuff like teenagers can I'm sorry I grew too old and I can't even do numbers. I'm retared and slow. I'm not good at anything in life I should have just stuck to hanging out in bar rooms. I can't get no support for anything.my mental state isn't even well I'm sick of being sick. I don't know if I wanna even go back. Well your a make it work company and I just don't work. I didn't cheat like the others. I don't understand what's wrong with me and disability won't even evaluate me either. Lawyers won't take me in I give up. I don't even care what happens to me anymore. I give up there's nothing in life saving me. It's like I'm never find a place where I belong. I'm so done. My head hurts all I can do is write in this stupid box. I wish when I was a kid I could of grew up in a school where I was allowed to work school and do sports or some type of exercise. Instead of just being a single mother who fails at everything in life.theres the stuff they don't see I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. But then again I am the one who keeps saying I need more training 2days isn't long enough. I need more practice. I'm still tried.

May 13 2023

I just discovered how challenging it can be to rescue people from the water. After the first day of training my body is very swore and I know I need more practice. Tomorrow I go back for another whole day of training. There is a lot to this some of it is scary. I'm trying my best to hang in there. I wish I was younger most of the people doing this are really young I feel like I don't have the same energy as them. I guess I'm getting old. I hope my age doesn't come back on me as a bad thing. I'm starting to think I'm a bit retarded and no one has properly diagnosed me. Where did all my wasted years go I wonder? Or maybe I'm just an unknown trama vitcum in recovery without the support and I just made myself better without assistance. My knees and feet hurt. I slept earlier woke up and now ready to go back to sleep. I think they really need to pay these lifeguards more money they are doing so much for so little compared to your retail workers etc. I also think they should have more training divided between several days or months instead of fast pacing everything together into 2 days for physically training. The instructor says that they come to your job site to test your skills to keep you sharp. I guess I'll find out more about that later. I still feel like I need more time spreaded across more days to keep practicing.