hallow

All hail to the hallo. I am just an empty broken useless shell. I am soulless demon stuck in hell for eternity. Evil pays Goodness doesn't. It's the root to all evil. I'm the curse upon blood cursing Thur your bloodstream. I can't feel anything good because I suffer in the darkness. You stole whatever light was in me and ruined me for eternity. For this is your punishment. There's nothing left of me. I am and forever remain the broken. They gave you solitude and silence. They told you they are sorry you grew hate for that word. You received zero hugs and kisses or anything that is on the good side. They made you into this this is what I have become. I am the broken forever and always searching for a Savior. You love everyone else but me. 

going crazy now

I called a lawyer for disability I'm being told no again rejection is all I ever experienced. The moss disability group don't ever call there again. Try someplace else. I'm told I gotta work five years because I have to pay their insurance that I have no protection until I work five years. So basically humans God the world is saying they don't care about humanity just pay us before we can help you unless it's a global pandemic then they remove all price tags. Five years from now maybe I'll be dead or maybe they will cut off my legs and pussy and ass and arm and tits and maybe I'll be the one in the wheelchair. You know I'm right time will show you. It sure does feel like it maybe that's why I'm constantly around people in wheel chairs it's a sign of my future. All because these damn doctors don't care the legal systems don't care. I can't even through money at them because the doctors say no cure, but what if they are saying that because of my insurance? Can I throw money at them to be cured? The thing about waiting is time isn't friendly to my disease with all these years it's just gotten uglier and located more places then it used to be. Too bad I couldn't tell my virus to wait years and years before I send you to the right supportive places for it. I want a new doctor and I'm tired of having to choose to go to the same places with no solutions. I need to change my doctor. I want to get examed by a doctor in a different state mines doesn't allow that. I need the money from social security so I can buy an indoor swimming pool to help with my pain and never have to worry about bills. I can't even get the right help with taxes I follow the text software and the it's even sends me info saying it's broken. I'm tired of being this rat in a box. Where's my mental and physical support? I'm sick of this should I goto work and pass out beg for an ambulance? I'm scared to do that look what happened to me last time they put me in a hospital I ended up with out gun rights. Why don't I get protection? Also how come I have over 98 credits from a college and no documents to give a job saying I'm certified? Look at all those years of zeros. I can't even get a piece of paper to improve my profile. Plus these jobs are temporary businesses go in and out and they all change and move locations. My virus is real and infinite it never ends how am I supposed to get never ending coverage I have to wait five more years I've been waiting since 2005 well this sucks. I'm tired of it. I don't see myself living past 50 and I only see myself in a wheelchair in my future with no support I'll have to suffer. This wasn't the dream I had in my mind. All they taught me to do in life is cry and moan. Cry and moan. Thinking back to when I took that certificate exam for windows servers and I couldn't pass it. Why I had all the answers in like 4000+ pages plus and audio cd but still it wasn't good enough to pass. I had zero real-world work experience. I spent all that time trying to remerize the text when I'm reality I wasn't making any progress. What I realized later in life all that stuff is useless anyhow because someone will change the software and then you have to learn new stuff anyhow. That's the things I'm saying nothing is concrete nothing lasts forever besides what you guessed it the virus. 

https://eldercare.acl.gov/public/resources/topic/LTC.aspx

I was thinking about my future and thought I probably be unable to piss and shit on my own by the time I'm 60. Also I wonder if when I'm 60 yrs old will I be able to get this service or will the website be down by then will it still be around or gone like everything else? 

oct 15 2021

I wish I die I'm tired of living in hell. I never change all I do is the same pain over and over again. Was thinking maybe I should just goto work and pass out on the ground, but then I remembered what happened in last time I went to a hospital and jail. I just ended up having no protection no life. I have no rights. The only rights I own are live with a virus and suffer alone. And want to die and live with the guilt of your unborn child this is probably why your suffering it's your payment for being alone and broken. Now God says here live the rest of your life alone with swores. Well still I don't have none to help with communication, physical healthcare, securities, anything that is human. No wonder I've been going through life all this time saying I hate people and humans. I am not human. All I do is what other people tell me to do and I still get the bully. I don't wanna celebrate anything but the dead reminds me of patty never see her anymore see abandoned me. Happy birthday everyone I never see anymore you have a nice life all those years you've done changed had extended your family and moved away. Here I sit still remembering but not able to move past my own daily suffering. I live in a nightmare. I talk to myself everyday and God but mostly we argue and I get mad because God doesn't answer and then I start to say where da fuck is your god now? Then I start to think maybe this whole time it's just another mankind han lie. They all lie for business and money they never cared about you. God doesn't save lives he didn't saveine back in 2008 what makes you think God will save your from this virus now? You've been sick for a long time. Hell you can't even have sex it's been 11 years and all you do is cry everyday and your best friend is a washcloth but you can't seem to get it to wash away your sins. It's never going to change why must I continue to live? I can't even get a hug or anyone to tell me it's going to be ok. I can't even get good insurance or advice or anything. I'm sick in a system that's broken. My 21 year old is proof that living here isn't good look at what he's become. The state doesn't acknowledge him as a person why don't they help him get a work program? Why do they expect my sick self to continue to do everything? I need speech therapy I can't even communicate properly. I want to learn how to speak with power and respect. All the things I'll never get in life. I wish I'd catch covid and die. Then the pain would end. No one is going to miss me when I'm gone. I bet my family will be complaining about how they have to buy me a flower because they are too poor to buy one when I'm dead and gone. Why did y'all teach me about the hardships in life but never taught how to bath in the light of good things? No they made it out of hell and disappeared. It's like I'm a demon now and I feed off the energy of the suffering. The only communication I receive in life now is what the songs about how I'm suffering from the skin I'm in and I wish I had company. Didn't they make these songs for people with aids? I must be living in hell maybe I do have aids and the pieces of papers they give me are a lie. It doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is I have to not sure what's the point of my struggle but I must stay alive to what? Can't find a purpose? Oh to be remembered but no one remembers me while I'm alive why care when I'm dead? I am just an empty hollow shell. All I have is this text from this keyboard this broken voice no one ever listens to. Take everything away frome leave me with no ability. Everyday is hell yesterday they had some music up the road I couldn't even go outside because I had to sit here and use wash cloths and smoke drugs to make my swores bleed. This is my brother, my sister, my husband, my best friend. It's the only thing that has stuck with me all this time and it's the same thing that will kill me. So God thank you for that. hidradenitis suppurativa that's my virus my only friend or family connection I've ever had on a daily some days are better then others. This is my coffee everyday. I don't feel human. This is my life see how happy I am? What is happiness is it the pain I wake up to everyday? I'm tired I want it all to end. I don't want to be here no more. I need to find away to travel to another state and get a physical and see if they treat me any different from this state. Like everyone says insanity is to keep doing the same things over again. I must find some place new to try. Break the pattern. 

oct 14

Still awaiting for two more abcesses to pop. Took a bath this morning. Ate egg sandwiches which I thought was the cure for this virus but yet it's still here. Drink some stash mango tea and some some bud while continuing to use wash cloths between my underwear and my underarm pit. What a fun life it never ends this is my daily. I stopped smoking cigarettes it didn't cure me. I wish I would die so it would be to end. There's no relief from this there's not one single day I don't have swores on me. It feels better when it pops but that doesn't mean it ever heals. My skin never heals I'd show you but then they block and delete my account. I'd show God but you know he's not watching. And it's against the law to walk outside naked in the public or unless maybe I should make a trip to a nude beach would they give me good service or a cure? maybe that's where I need to go instead of the doctors all the time I should goto nude a beach. Will they ingore me there or fix my virus? It's either that or just kill me because. So sick and tired of living like this it never changes. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm sick of living with it. I need CHANGE. For now I'm just sitting here at home with the tv on while I'm dying inside. I'm depressed again. Why would I want to live? They took away any hope for tomorrow they took away any rights I'm aware or unaware of it gone. I'm not allow to protect myself. They took away my chance of security, weapons, love, family, and money. So what's the point why should I want to continue? I really don't see any reason. Still here I am waiting for it to change. I started looking at homes in Vermont online today because the internet says that's the healthist place to live in the USA. I guess I'll just sit here and wait to heal so I can go on a journey someplace new or die here which ever occurs first. 

oct 10th

2021 oct 10th I got two new tattoos. Oct 13 is today and this virus is killing me. Ryan went to the dentist today to get two root canals on his broken teeth. I'm so tired my headache and eye is leaking. Now my swore is leaking now just need two more spots to pop. I'm still waiting for him to get done can't wait to get back home. I'm goto home Depot and buy some skin glue so I'll be ready when I need it. I called a disability lawyer and was told I have to work five years inorder to apply to be disabilied. But I've been ony deathbed for more then that none gives a shit. I'm thinking maybe I'll go to another state where I'm not insurance by a state and see what happens. No service again. It's a good thing I'm good at waiting several years. So I guess I wait on the clock that's my best skill. Everywhere I go in life I sit around waiting. At work, at the doctor's, at the store, everywhere a pretty much. My virus loves waiting for a new doctor you know what it will do spreading all over it doesn't have to wait to kill me, but I have to. 

sad at home

Monday Sept 13 2021, I come home from blue ridge rock festival and spray the car off then look in at the chickens gave them water and my plants. Ryan tells me he went to the beach. I go into the house and see stuff all over floor a mess and the trash can is overflowing. I got mad called Ryan, Ryan, Ryan over and over no response then I punched him on his arm because I was mad. He says I don't need to vailaied you everytime you call my name. He decides to get up and charge at me and I move out the way and he ends up breaking two of his teeth out on the chair he fell on. He kept saying very mean things too me again this has been going on for far too long. I start crying. Before I got home I dropped off dad and moms chandler is broken and she don't know how it happened and dad's car has a flat tire. My feet and body hurt and everyone is upset. He calls to make a dentist appointment but he has no job and only state insurance. There's still dishes in the sink. He doesn't contribute to the household. I keep telling him to find an online job because I'm going to work a seasonal job soon and I can't baby him and work and do everything all on my own. He needs to get his own car. I told him why can't you find a remote job aren't they still out there cause of covid and he is too lazy too look. I'm tired of being the only person in this house that has to do everything and has to fight with him to get him off his computer to do something else. And I'm sick of the verbal abuse I've been receiving. I've been trying so hard to become a better person take care of the house, family, money, etc. It's too much for one person and then I'm verbally abused and told I'm the one with the problem. Mostly I feel like I have to sit in silence because Everytime I speak when I do get a response he says negative and hurtful things. Plus my parents do those things too. I feel like I need speech therapy because I can't even speak. It's like if I do I'm not heard or I'm a cunt or a terrible person or he doesn't have to be a carbon copy of me he said. Then he says he doesn't trust my advice. I tell him things like to improve your health clean your feet or get a online job or go-to school or stop eatting so much food. He's 21 and overweight and very nasty to me. I told him we need a therapist and he just says no. Then he says getting a job won't pay enough for him to get his own place. Even if he did do that he still have to clean up after himself. So I'm back to home is where the hell is. 

suffering

Why won't you just take me away. Why must I continue to suffer slowly? I don't want to live in this awaking nightmare anymore please take me away from here. End my Pain. I've shed so many years for too many years just help me crossover to another body another life where I'm not the virus. Give me a new purpose. God please help me. Why must I suffer in silence? When will this pain ever end? Why should I even struggle anymore? All I feel is misery all I experience is in darkness. Why can't I end the suffering? I wish my suffering was the death of me because death would put a cure to my suffering. Why won't I heal? Can I just get a end to this suffering. You stole all the light out from me. I'm locked in this prison body it's like the devil is taking over me. And now I'm forced to live this way. I suffer slowly in my misery the silence now consumes me. Why can't I end all the suffering? 

I'm done with trying to fit in this world

I might be broken but at least there's no one around to tell me what I have to do or where I need to go. I can make my own choices. If anyone doesn't like what I do or don't do then stay away from me. And if I spend all my money and don't have an income so be its not like I live in a happy home anyhow. So if I never rise up in life and if I fall down to the lowest low so what. Nothing matters I'm still be me. Even if it hurts or I end up homeless. Nothing seems to matter I just deal with whatever happens. I might be worthless, non-skilled, or whatever but I don't care anymore. I'm sick of fighting. I'm so done. I'll just do whatever I'm doing today tomorrow and so forth. Don't let it destory you remember that don't let it make you crazy again. Just back to life is beautiful and your okay. It doesn't matter if your not out there making money like everyone else is. If you end up without a job just remember you can always sell everything inside your home. It's going to be okay. The only problem is I feel like I have no self worth. It's like all the items do but me as a person doesn't. Okay stop thinking and just try to live your life as best as you can. 

what does it matter

Why should I even care? I mean once the money ends in September I should have a job by then but still what's the point of making money when it comes and goes and it's never there forever. Even if I never get over my fear of not being good enough or meeting requirements. Why should I even care the world is dying anyhow. Plus I live a loveless life. I'm so sick of being the head of the household why can't I just find a rich man to do that for me and let me find myself? Plus I never seem to change anyhow. I'm not even sure how to feel self worth so how can I make others make me feel worthy? I don't really have no purpose in life.  Never going to fit in with society if I haven't before what makes you think it'll change now? Plus with or without money I'm still unhappy anyhow with my fake smiles. Ive always lived in fear and I will continue to do so just because this is what god gave me. I'll let god choose my destiny I'm not even going to try anymore because I know if I do I'll end up doing the same thinking and seeking process I've been on my whole life and it won't change anything besides my mental state will become very very depressed and sad. So I'm going back to not caring about anything but whatever happens to me in life is my answer. I'll continue being me and doing whatever I'm going to do alone because I don't need anymore stress. 

Monday 2021

Tears for years about to start crying again. I guess I wouldn't be me without the tears. Why do I cry because the lack of support teamwork coop etc. What am I supposed to just keep playing this playstation in solo mode? Just like yesterday I played online be with the broadcast on it made me look like trash. I turn off twitch and I'm able to beat the game. I was getting mad. Now I'm upset because it's too hard to find help with 100k nf and grandmaster. On the brightsidey chicks are doing well none of them need bottle force feed they all moving around eatting on their own now. 

Friday 13th 2021

Baby chicks birthday don't forget

fanastyland

Time to dream again to believe in something. One of my fanastys is to know what it feels like to be human. To feel something that is so easy and simple to others but I still haven't experienced, yet. This could be a very long list. Start simple pleasures iny fanastyland. You'd say it's okay I've never done this either and we walk around holding hands talking about what makes life great and what we dream about. I'd probably say something like I'm scared because the fear doesn't allow me to be myself. You'd pick a flower for me and stare into my eyes. That's the time when I'll be the most nervous. You place it behind my ear or in my hair. I feel like a character out of a storybook. That's when you lean in closer and you kiss me. I wonder what it would feel like to have that kind of human emotion. I'm not sure how I would react or feel. Would I even do it right? I'm not sure I've tried french kissing myself but it doesn't seem to work. It's like I don't know how to do these things. Is there a method to it? Am I supposed to move in and out or around in a circle or all the above? How do you even? Or do you suck tongue? I don't even know how to do it wow my nervous is kicking in again. Am I supposed to have my eyes open or closed? What if you don't like how I kiss? Or Is it going to be magical? Is it okay to dream about this? Can I make it a reality? 

 

-without

In fear I live because the simple pleasures in life are in denial. Cut out from existence the darkness won it took over, but not anymore. Unable and afraid the fear that holds me back from the experiences that could have been what I needed to save myself. I found myself more comfortable with myself alone without judgement of others. I'm able to choose my own now. Sometimes I still get mad because when I'm talking to myself there's no feedback which makes me bitter. I just wanna exist with the freedom to say whatever is on my mind at any given time without fear. No one is telling me where I need to be what I should he doing etc. I am now free.

bent

I don't even know where to begin. Is everything magic? Must live for the excitement the joy that gets your heart pumping. A story such as a dream within a dream. I can feel it coursing through my veins. Could this be that simple? Time flows like a river and change is occurring non-stop flowing around us from now and forever. I'm going to cloud my mind until I can see the devine. The future is overflowing with pride and grace with the power of light to guide the way. I've followed the rainbow to the end and found that the beginning and end was all the same. There's so many colors of the rainbow that paint the visions of tomorrow. 

in the new

Who should I be? Whatever Is choosen at any given time. What should I do? Dream and then break those dreams into reality.  I want to crossover into another kingdom where I can see taste and smell the dreamscape. I will create an imangry world where I can become the innermost light. I am seeking and living for the excitement. Get your thrills and kicks as they say. Don't pay no mind to the evil ones. Open up to a new era erase the pain of yesterday and start anew today breathe again. A shower of fresh air and a sprinkle of sunshine. Float away to land. Listen to the heavens they are calling on you. Watch as this beauty unfolds. Can I break away from all the barriers and make more dreams come to life? Step into the unknown breakout of your prison. Don't be the begger make them beg you. Even when the voices in your head try to steer you out of it. Don't listen to them you be the bigger person and show them that you deserve the right to humanity. You are someone worthy. You might now matter to anyone else but only you can hug yourself back into lalaland. Don't wait for a savior you'll go mad. You got this rise above the rest and renew relax and be better then ever before. Tell yourself the things that no one else will say. 

tranquility is coming

I'm done with my humanity I've become all animal. I will find love and comfort within the silence and begin a new language with nature. Since now I have solitude and no one to yell at me about money all the time I'm at peace. I'm now not influenced or controlled by any humans. I've lost all desires for mankind. And now I've found freedom. Now I'm able to make my own choices and live the way I would want to. I can finally open all the windows. I will be stronger and better now. I'm giving myself what no one else ever has. 

life I've never experience and my time will expire first

There's so much I can say here that I don't have experience with I might even leave a few things out. So I've never known what's it's like to go on dates with guys because I've always been too afarid to try. I've never got to hold hands and walk around. What is a kiss? What is it to have a guy build you a garden or a home? A man who changes diapers? A picture of me and man together. I don't even know what a friendship is. It's really sad because all my life that's all I ever dreamed of but still haven't experienced. What is a good relationship? Now that I'm fourty years old I'm still asking and writing the same things as I did when I was younger nothing has changed. The only life experience I feel I've ever experienced was I'm not good enough because I won't get over my fear of getting a job or at least that's what my mom says. I still feel like I'm too broken to even do that I'm scared to be yelled at all the time. Plus I'm inexperienced. That's all I've ever been. Than I think about how I used to have a therapist that said I was afarid of change. Maybe I am but it's only because of what I've actually been experiencing. Then I think about how everyone keeps saying that I am insanity because I always repeat the same things in life expecting a different result. Maybe because I am whatever someone else creates me to be. I don't know how to control my own destiny I just do what's expected of me or what I'm told, but then again that's not even good enough. Everyday I talk to myself I cry a bit and then try to come up with ideas how can I fit in or belong or be worthy or anything at all but then I never find it. I just deal with this as they happen and I never find support or the right type of it's completed. For example look at my car it goes into shop they say it's done but yet I gotta take it back because the check engine light is still on. This is always what's happens in my life I'll keep trying to fix my life, health, home, family, and friends and it doesn't matter what I do I still remain broken. Also I've found that I don't get these things done in a timeframe either. I see how everyone else how time limits and they get stuff done but with me nothing happens time just goes by for a very long time with no success.  I'm still here the same as I was 20 years ago. I don't think I'll ever understand what's wrong with me? I can't even get anyone to properly diagnose me. All I ever feel is broken, unworthy, useless, isolation, infected, etc. I blame it on because no one ever helped me not feel this way. I'm even not sure if there's a god or a santan anymore. I've lost all faith in everything. Everything everyday is just me and myself what I can do for myself. Also all by myself. I have conversations with myself. I even call myself crazy. I'm not sure if I am or not. My son doesn't seem to care about what I do or don't do. He doesn't even show me kindness and anymore. He did when he was younger but now nothing. Although he's here it's like he's not. It's been like this for a long time. Why do I feel like I've written all this before in the past. I know because I have and I continue to do so because it never changes. Why is it that I can receive temporary I can't even spell it temporary kindness from strangers, but at home all I feel is pain? Why does my family life only consistent of sadness? How come I never learned how to feel whole or complete happiness? Why do I always commicate with text? You know why because it's all you have. It's the only form of communication you have when your not talking at loud to yourself. I even have to hug myself. Still trying to figure out how to kiss myself. I won't even kiss my mom because how sick she looks. Then I remember why no one will ever do the same to me. Also I'm so tired of feeling like in order to feel that I must work or at least that what mom tells me all the time. Sometimes I think we'll what if I did get a job and there's no men there or the company policies say that relationships are not allowed. I don't think she understands. Plus I did work for awhile and I never met anyone all they care about is what you can do for them they don't give a shit about your personal life. I don't even have a personal life I've made mines all public. I'm honest and open about everything because that's all I got here. Still I feel like no one understands me. I am the outcasted the abused the rebel the one who will never fit into anything or anyone. I create a pretend world an imaginary world where I don't have to think about all the things I'm absent from. I still get awkward feelings when I see other people outside with their displays of happiness when I am not. I try to hide it away as much as I can but I still feel the pain or the emptiness whatever you wanna call it. I feel so fake. I think I do very good at covering it up, but on the inside I'm still broken. 

in the mist of the night

Well it's after 5 am I went to sleep last night around 9pm I must have been tired after the fishing and eatting all the food the day before. Now I'm swore got my period. I gotta take my car back on Monday cause they lefty car check engine light on and they said it was done this is a mess and another mess that wasn't clean needs to be fixed. What's wrong with these people. Just once I like to live in a world where there's close to perfection. I'm tired of everything being half-assed. My back and stomach hurts. Oh and I didn't catch any fish yesterday just kept loosing worms. I tired a big eagle claw with some other lure that has two three prong hooks none of that seemed to help. I'm getting sleepy again. I watched this tv show the other day 3 seasons worth called atypical. It was a show about a boy who has autism. I still played destiny 2 a little bit. I try to not spend most of my time on that game. Well back to restmode. 

Wednesday 7/28/21

I'm sick of living again I don't wanna wake up. I punch myself in the face again. I cry again. What's the point I'm just talking to myself. I just wish I could never never wake up because this shit never ends. There's no cure or maybe the cure is death. What's the point in living a loveless virus life anyhow? Take me away. I can't even masterabe because I know it'll just make me even sicker and more ugly. Why won't it end? There's no hope for any kind of future of happiness. All I do is pretend I'm sick of it. There's no forgiveness for this shit. I took that darn car back as money I spent in it I could have went on a vacation. So now I have no car until mines gets fixed. Mom got crabs today and I got into the pool. Now trying to relax and clean up house abit. Going back into gaming.

faded away like the hands of time

Remember when I was younger and friends of friends would sit around showing off their soda cap bracelets they made. Remember how they used to draw on the walls. Now that I'm older I don't experience any of this no more it's just endless silence and the only thing anyone seems to care about is money. When did the world become so broken? 

monday

July 26 2021 there's no warped tour I'm mad. I went outside and weed Wacker some bushes and grass. Helped Ryan put a chair together. Called about my car still no response. 

Friday 7/23/21

I went on the computer search for jobs. Then I went out back and spent most of the day putting wire fence on the chicken coop. Ryan actually came outside to help without me asking that was nice of him. Then told mom happy birthday she went to the casino. I jump into the pool cleaned it a bit. Went and pick Teresa went to Walmart. Came home watched tv and fell sleep watching blood red sky. Some movie about vamps on a plane. 

thursday 2021

Went to store with mom then made salads. Put some of the netting on the chicken coop but I couldn't finish because I ran outta time it got dark. Ryan tried to help for two minutes then walks away. Hes never learned how to do anything in life besideale my life miserable. I can't try to teach him anything because he always gives up after two minutes. I'm very depressed now back to crying. I do it all on my own by myself. Hell be 21 this year with no future but to get fat. I don't like him very much. Why won't he develop into man? He won't grow up. Which reminds me all I've ever gained for family is verbal abuse. Also everytime I want to try something new I'm called mean names. I told him I already used some ties on one side just continue it to the other instead he just did it all wrong with two ties and quit. It hurts so much how come I'm the only person in my family who will do these things and everything else is just an attitude or I'm speaking to myself? It won't change. I can change everything on my own but it's life damaging. I might as well be living alone. Since I do everything for myself by myself anyhow. I don't like negative attitudes. I try to be light but I'm out numbered. Now the silence begins. 

God please unbreak me

Help me get over my fears and take control of my life and get paid for being a good person and doing the right things and being rewarded for them. I'm so sick and tired of living my life in the darkness with the evil. I'm so tired of this it needs to change now. This is why I always say money is the root to all evil. Because my whole life for me to obtain money I would have to lie and and I'm sick of it. I had been paid money from death, lies, plagues, etc. I'm tired of this I just want to be honest and earn it. God help me overcome my fears. I want to feel like I'm worthy not worthless. I want to feel like I've earned it. I want to have confidence to be a good honest person. Right now the state is saying the plague isn't paying out unless you get a job I really want to but I keep finding myself crying and hyperventilating with stress over trying to answer questions. I've struggled with this for a very long time. When I was driving for Uber I felt like I was getting paid for doing something good but then I'm not even sure why they fired me. They did have my account mixed up with someone else they said but then after that error was corrected they still fired me I asked them to email a report why I got fired I never got it. I guess people didn't like me because I think I ended with a 4.4 when the app makes u stay a 4.5 stars. When I worked at Toby's and they told me not to come back after one day. I felt like I got paid for just climbing into small dark spaces to use a wrench. I felt like I was unprotected from climbing the ladder if I fell I had no harness. I felt like I didn't have enough experience to do anything on my own and I just was a helper of someone else. I don't even know my own value or how I can actually do something and be paid for doing something good. Well I guess I could say I've done some volunteering in the past. The only reason why I like volunteering over asking for payments is because I always felt like I'd be in denial like I'm not worthy of doing something and being rewarded. So I struggle really hard trying to get myself out there to go on an interview I'm not sure how to fix this or get help. Remember before covid I was grub hubbing and I was suspended for forgetting to get the drink from taco bell. I never contacted the company because I was afarid to talk to a human, so I just went back to school instead. 

my mind is going mad

Why is it I remember bits and pieces of things but not everything it's like someone stole parts of my memories. Why is it that over time I can't distinguish what really happened or was it just a dream? Why does the sands of time take away history. How am I supposed to know the difference between what's true or what's a lie? Has my mind gone mad and made up stuff that's not even happened. I feel like I've been here before like Ive said this before and I'm just repeating myself over and over again. I just want to shut off my mind. Will anyone ever hear me? 

break out the box

I need to overcome my fears and break out of the box I've been in for so long. So is it insanity that keeps me here? Should I keep going back to the same place to try to improve myself Or should I just start someplace fresh some place new? When will I break free of the fears that left me in the dark for so long? I need to form an connection to a place that will allow it but I fear I'm still broken inside. I can't tell the difference between acceptance or rejection. I need to break out of this box. Dear lord set me free give me the headspace to clear the fears and renew the life that was once broken. Take a leap a faith into the unknown. Break away from here and start over again why is it my biggest fear but yet my strongest desire? 

thursday

Messed up my hands abit got all the grass off the pool sides. Power washed out back since I did the front yesterday. I even painted the front doors. No headaches today. Swam in the pool. Made chicken and drink mountain dew. Now all I do is yawn. 

dreams and reality

That's what holds me back so yeah I see a home and land for sale and think I can do this let me contact an agent ...and then let me get a rental home to sell out so I can make some money, but then the dream died out and reality came creeping back and said you won't do it because then you'll be all alone you won't have mommy no more your already loveless and friendless and to not have mom around anymore but tons of money will leave you lonely. You know your just going to sit around here where mommy is until someday someone comes along and wants to hold your hand and walk this journey with you. You too damn scared to do it on your own and the money won't bring you real love or friends. So whats new? Same old story. 

forsaken

Here's what you never shared with me:

1. Acceptance

2. The storm

3. A helping hand

4. Communication

5. Cooking/cleaning

Okay stop numbering I cant count to infinity

A drive

Kiss

Jewelry

Money

Brother & sisters

A hobby

A phone call

Books

A photo

A trip

Camping

Fishing

Bowling

Okay this list could go on and on until the end of time....

I'm done with this suffering

idleness

I think that's why this is happening this is why your in dead silence because now no one can tell you what you can or can't do. I've earn my own self expression. The weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm free to make my own choices now since there's no humans around to make me feel like I'm never going to be worthy enough. No one can harm me now it's like I'm unstoppable. What good are friends anyways? they aren't really your friends when all your money runs out anyways. What is so good about having man in your life when you'll never share anything other then sex? You've gained zero respect from humanity in the first place. Take a walk and hold your own damn hands buy yourself your own jewelry. Why do you need any humans when all they ever do is make you talk to ghosts in the first place. I'm give you what you gave me zero memories made, zero experience, zero pictures, zero communication. Thank you for what you turned me into. This is the life journey that you let me bleed it it out all alone. Share this moment with me humanities answer is always no I'm sorry and the result is always get that paper money rules everything forget everything else. Let's make a memory on your own because your never there. I never was the rat race type of person who chased after that evil shit. What am I? I am the seeker of smiles, fun, parties, an experience. I'd rather sit and watch the leaves in a tree fall off then run after that evil shit. I'd rather hangout with a homeless person and listen to their complaining or whatever. I'd think I'd have more respect from that then what your giving, but I still enjoy my solitude even when it drives me crazy. I'm tired.

june 2021

Would I be normal if I didn't realease tears every single day of my life? My life experience of a realtionship with friendships and a soulmate is zero always has been. Am I locked inside a pen and paper or this damn textbox forever? Even the devil has allies and a family. I've been waiting to goto heaven to meet my heavenly father, but still no luck. Will I forever be the woman who talks to herself and just writes her life away? I wanted to share with the world photos and memories made but I still never figured out how. My life experience consists of me saying what's wrong with me everyday. I live in the nothing the empty this place is all I've ever known. I just wish I knew why I'm like this? I could go outside in the public but it still won't anything. It doesn't matter where I go or what I do I still end up with the same messages. It doesn't matter how much time has pastby it's still remains the same. I could find a job or go-to school or whatever but I'd still be unhappy and cry everyday even when I did those things. All these things are tempary because after whatever connects us people together they still go home. And I still wonder why am I here? And I never like being at home at all. They say home is where the heart is then I have no heart. When I see other people living their lives telling their stories they filled with friends love and family. When I look at myself I can't see any of those things only anger. I see me typing this this is all I've ever had year after year. Then I look at other people and see how they grew but I'm still just frozen in time. I've only made small changes. Am I even alive? I mean what is this shit? Is my camera my only friend family ally? Is my textbox the only thing I'll ever know? What is wrong with me? What is controlling this making me like this and why? I still feel worthless. Will I forever just be lost in right here and now? Will this be the only feeling I've ever felt or mental picture I've ever taken? It seems like it. What is wrong with me? Why am I insane for always waiting for life to begin. Am I supposed to be begging something? I can't even think straight did I spell that right? Begin beg in beg into what? Okay now I'm just gone off the rails again. I can't even think straight. It's always so silent here. I met a new friend outside a brown and white bunny has been visiting me lately. I don't think it like carrots though my indoor rabbit lighting loves those things. Maybe this is the only form of communication I'm get in life. Too bad I couldn't learn to speak animal. I guess I'll do that now.

everlasting light

Follow it, be earn it, obtain it. This will be your power it will clear the path into the unknown. It will release all the stress and pressures of your reality. Don't ever forget to never stop taking those steps towards making your dreams a reality. Even if you get caught up by other people or things that keep you from reaching that dream today just keep on remembering what is my objective. Always stay on that path even when your lead away from it and don't take too long if it's taking too long your doing something wrong reevaluate it and head for that objective or goal and don't ever give up. I will not only obtain the light, but I will be the light, and I will bathe in it. It's your destiny. Dream it plan and then built it. Just do it! It's the path to enlightenment. 

don't let others judgement be the end of you

Remember when people make you feel like your always being rejected, told no, or I'm sorry. Don't ever live in that pain forevermore holding onto the anger because it won't allow you to see the light. To reach inner peace with the light you must go somewhere new over and over again until all the "no's" I'm sorry become yes. Also find something that will make you feel better about yourself not weigh you down. Find healing and bliss in everyday live life as if everyday is your last. And follow the riches because there's no gain in the poverty unless your volunteering in a poor economy which I wouldn't recommend that either. Don't let them destory you. Open your eyes wake up to the truth and it will set you free.  Become the person they need and can't live without then you've just gained value. When god says treat others the way you would want to be treated and you can't get it together then stop and move along try and try again someplace else. Don't wait for a savior because it's never going to happen make them want to play that role. 

what do u call it?

Do I just continue to call myself crazy? Will I forever stay hidden away from the things that could possibly create a change in my life or the state of mind? Or what if I just give up because I'm too tired of trying or being patient. Have I just become this because it's who I am supposed to be or is it because of the connections that made me this way? 

now what..

What is it now? What if I said that I haven't been blessed yet by god. What if I want the longing for something for so long to end. And what happens when it does end and then the longing for it is gone then what kind of world would I be in? Would my death be without longing for the human nature of things? Would this bring me to a heaven or a hell should I even care? What if it's a place where there's no humanities, no communication, just the empty nothing. Maybe I'll become a mute and maybe I'll be okay with it because its a whole new world where nothing is the only thing you need to find peace. Maybe happiness isn't needed maybe there's just something new to experience. Maybe I'll turn into a fish that lives in the water but wants to breathe air? Not literally but aren't I already here. Maybe I'd become something better then what gods free will has given me. Also because of this free will it's always our own faults. Because if that not sure if it's even human can make a plan for humans in heaven why didn't he plan it for them on earth? But then again maybe I just lost my brain again maybe I need a new one. heaven might be a place that is unique to everyone depending on what? their humanity? Or maybe I'm lost would like to go-to hell because that's where everyone else is? So what if I'm not a person no more then what would I be? All I know is that it would change everything. The way I feel and experience everything. To be something else is just another mind game to excape the pressure. 

everydayness

Everyday is exactly the same. Dead silence filled with tears. Yesterday, tomorrow, the next what's the point of typing this when you know it won't change. Smacking myself in the face is loosing it's pleasure. I just wish I could blackout and never awake again. So where's your savoir now? 

forever remaining broken

There's something wrong with me.  Not unique I'm not special I am only apart of nothing. All I can feel everyday is my tears pain and the punching of myself. How long will I not be saved? I've tired churches, therapy, etc in the past none proven to be successful. When I try to be honest and alert with what is real all I do is end up broken. I try to express what I'm going through but no one is truly listening or understanding or giving a shit about it. Why won't you fix me? What's wrong with me and why won't it ever change? Why does it always remain the same? Why won't you show me what's it's like to actually care, make a memory, communication, friendship, love, work. Why do all I ever feel is denial? How come I can't be honest about this and have someone pick up my broken pieces? Will this last forever? Will I ever stop? What's wrong with me? 

again...

What if your life was a song played on replay of just that one-day where u can make a shared memory and then the rest of it was just listening to the reply of what was yesterday but than that picture has fade the memories aren't becoming clear no more because you can't see humanity for what it is no more and you sit back and forth complaicating suicide but you can't even go there because now matter how many marks you make it just doesn't sufficate then the clouds cracked and the thunder made a loud sound but it wasn't until that flash of light showed you how truly broken you really are even when the demons have won you can't even join them in hell you was meant to just keep breathing for tomorrow but why what the point?

all I know is crying

Ryan promised on Saturday he help me with putting up the pool now he's saying I have to wait until Tuesday. Now I get to sit here and cry about how no matter what I do in life I'm unsupported. I just wanted to have the pool up for me to have activity and excerise, but he doesn't see the point of a pool because he says, why you worried about having a pool no one is going to use it. Just like zero people who ring your doorbell. I know I'll be the only one out there using it cleaning doing everything all by myself like I always do and it's not just with the pool it's everything & anytime. It's always been this way it won't ever change. It doesn't matter where I go it what I do in life it's just the same no matter what it is. It's been like this for far too long. I'm breaking down. I don't need a therapy to tell me that I don't have a supportive system for these types of things or dreams I want to achieve. Well I just have to learn to live with rejection and sit here and stare at the emptiness and never ending silence. Maybe I should become an overweight lazy never get out of bed person like him. I'll never be truly happy like this. I am very depressed. It's like matter what I do it's never good enough. 

God please help me

There's something wrong with me again so yesterday I started breaking out again. I got this red rash under my breast and little tiny pimples. I'm also broken out on my inner thigh. This is why I hate having family around because everytime someone comes near me I get sick again. Last time I was sick when Debbie came over I had hives. Plus I can't find my driver's license why isn't it in my wallet. I'm sick of this shit I'd rather be alone in silence then have to be missing stuff and sick all the time. I'm sick of how people treat me. God why won't you help me? 

here's some light

My mom taught me that if I got say mcdonald's and take the food home to bring enough for everyone there so no one is left out. It's not polite to eat infront of others. She calls me everyday to see how I am doing. Also when people keep making excuses such as money or keep placing other people over you they aren't good people. Even the bible tells me to treat others how you would like to be treated. She also says don't let them break your stuff. She also tells me to improve myself by doing the right things in life to help me succeed. Like go-to school get a job. To clean my house she even comes up once I while and helps with a few things. I also do that for her and sometimes I get stressed out because it's too much for one person to do. She goes to movies with me and fishing. She is the only person in my life besides my son who hates everything it's very hard to get him out the house to do anything at all. I get mad because she doesn't tell at him to improve himself the way she does me. He's at the age where he should be doing his own thing, but he's headed for downfall and this has been going on too long. I try to tell him he needs to find his own path in life I'm not sure when he will. He gets me so upset sometimes, but he's old enough so I can improve myself and leave him behind now to do his own thing. I do feel like I failed him but like I said he needs to make his own way. Speaking of that I have to walk into my own shoes and find my own way in life to improve it and myself. I am a great person I might not have anyone to prove it but I do have alot to show. I love reading writing listening to music watching movies going to parks beaches events etc. I have hobbies interests and other things. I'm always down with experiencing something new. Opening my mind to well I guess everything and anything. Maybe not I dunno it all depends on what or where it is. I am funny and fun even when I'm not trying to be I guess I get that from my dad. I could use some balance in my life I do realize I don't have that but that requires resources or the right connection. I just try to fix every problem that arrives in my life as it occurs. If I can then it's done if it's requires help I find it. Life is what you make it and I'm going to continue to make it look beautiful. I'll blind out all the darkness. 

empty nothing

Blank as the nothing roates around and around again. Why you making me so stone cold? I can hear myself breathing. Not sure what's the point. I wish I could dream and remember what happened. I need something to protect me from the lost time. Life is just wasting away. Is everyday another game I'm loosing my mind. Knocked out passed out I can't seem to wake up. 

evil rises

You know who you are and it's the 2nd holiday and still it's been nothing but silence. Where my textbox? It's okay though I'll be okay. What really bothers me though. I can't stand people especially my family. I'm sick of the damn cigarettes. Why do I always get stuck with the broken sick and heavy smokers. I'm sick of her always making a mess smelling like shit and smoking all the damn time she reminds me of someone else. She don't listen she don't even take care of herself. All she does is cough all day everyday. Then she gets on my nerves with shit like I'd like to get myself this but it's too high but yet you would do it for your kids and grandkids why not do it for yourself. I can't wait until rachel comes over just so she can break all her damn cigarettes. All she does is sit around the house smoking and talking about I hope we get simulus money soon and then gets on her phone trying to get money off playing games. I'm sick of her shit. Then I said I was would order something this weekend and she's like she's pay half as many times as I ordered shit and her freeloading ass ate it without paying and you only offer half. Oh yeah wait she's thinking she going to stay here she need to go back to her kids. I wish I never even had a heart enough to tell her she didn't need to pay me anything not with how she's been lately. Also she know how I feel about being taken advantage of I'll get evil and say and do some really hurtful shit. But in all honesty I'm just tired of of family they are always sick one-way or another. I just want god to surround me with clean, active, beautiful, happy, healthy successful people. God please stop sending me the broken people in my family they only make me turn evil in the end. Yep see I was right she ended up burning holes in my carpet after I told her several times about those damn cigarettes. Plus I got wood broken in the hallway where she knocked the sword off the wall. I'm sick of people can't wait to be alone again. It costs me too much to repair things.