Just sitting here

Why is it that all i ever do is write why arent i living? Wheres my life headed i cant keep turning these damn pages i dont wanna read or write your story when will i live mines? I still feel frozen broken outcasted like im sitting at the starting line but i cant move like no one else is playing the game with you so you can never start so how the hell do i make chapter one? And now im sick with this damn die diesese its holding back from the beginning of my story. It started with silience and and a wall less prision with the sickness why couldnt you change? Why couldnt you leave? I see without you im dying alone i cant live like this. Theres no memory of what was or will be because you chose to sit in the house alone with the sickness. Still not sure where to even go with this even if i leave while being sick theres still nowhere to go unless i go back to the past and see the family i havent seen over a year everyone has changed but i feel like i havent time has not been good for me but them it has and i guess thats why i don't wanna visit them they are okay and im not. And i know its not good to keep hanging around the broken and sick like me family. How the hell am i supposed to change? I cant go back or foward in life im just stuck here with the damn text again over and over again never ending. I was okay alone it was where at the problem is that. I need to start an story to do so i need to leave explore a new place to move to so i can start a new story. My photo album that i got from the ocean i never placed any pictures in it that what i need to do. So if i ever get better health there i go waiting again im going to fill that damn album.

Whats missing

Noise i cant hear anything its so silent communication a plan or schedule a sense of belonging a friend a building structures envirnoment landscape why is everything broken i could have built these things but i couldnt do it alone and so i gave up and still i listen to your damn noise everyday and its not helping me at all it does make me feel like im closer to humans but i dont belong to them im still stuck here the devilsplayground i cant pick up the pieces

Without

A taste of pineapple orange juice a cool breeze a text message from you and a sailboat just before sunrise a holding hands stringing up the poles a ripple in the waves a bite of an egg sandwhich because its breakfast you know catch whatever is out there for later hops off the edge and swims with fishes splish splash throws you in a net im now done with this tuna walks around not sure what to do other then feel the heat wave crash down maybe hop on a jetski and eat some salt then afterwards have a shower then walk around somemore listen to some music and meet new people this is a beautiful day in this big bright blue world when the sun sets we sit in the sand then go for food and bar drinks all this is without pain and stress thank you

Awlful im depressed again

This pain is the worst feeling in the world its just as bad as my past something is dying i side me again but this time its my skin crawling outta control both hurt too much all i do is cry and cry i dontknow how im going to fix this everything itches my level of pain has increased too much today its like commenting murder i dont wanna feel like this way please help me my hands are on fire and the virus is spreading all over no one will save me god please help me i never wanna feel like this again i just want to live why must you constantly leave me here in pain and suffering why can't i break out of this let me live please i beg you please  it hurts so much what's wrong with me how can i be okay? Its been over a month and still i havent changed only for the worst what do i need to get better? Im so broken in so many ways it just keeps stacking pain with more pain over time is just makes me even more ill i dont know how to recover i dont even feel like i have a soul i can trade no more i dunno what to offer or scarfrice to you but please help me put an end to this hell

Take it away

I cant live with this pain and suffering no more id rather be mental the physical crawling in my skin eatting me alive is killing everything ita not changing for the good where is the hope for better clear days im breaking down how will i find the light again how will i be able to breathe life again i cant change this for good it just keeps killing me a little more each and everyday without improvement i keep praying begging please let me get back to feeling like a normal person let the pain come to an end let me feel the sunshine once again let me glow again id so anything to get back to what i once was please dont let me die like this i cant feel anything but pain when will it end show me how to change it give me a reason to be here today and tomorrow don't leave me here to die on my own let me outta this prison please help me please