April 25 2023

I got some black cement glue put it in my chalking gun and fixed the mud splash guard on my car. I decided to apply a thin layer to the seat that should keep it from cracking. Went to the store got some stuff. Opened the grill today and made cheeseburgers. The chickens had lots of eggs and needed feed and water. I also fed lighting she was out of stuff too. Now all I need is to find some foot rails for the truck. Oh yeah and my swim test is rescheduled. 

April 23,2023

I got a new vehicle. Just got a small new shed to put some stuff in. Got some tickets to a 3day show next month I'm going to. I've been playing destiny 2 lately. What else been reading that lifeguard course still unsure about if I'm going to be doing that or what. Been feeling dizzy lately skin still swore. Cleaned out the pool and planted vegetables. Finally done all the power washing. 

suffering day work

I got up today and power washed the back patio which needs a painting fence. Then I washed the car. Cleaned out the pool. Now I'm drinking this solution for my colonoscopy tomorrow. I'm so swore now and I have this big boil on my butt cheek now and I feel dehydrated. My feet hurt I got a bit of sun today. I'm tired I took a nice shower and now I'm ruin it with all this liquid stuff I gotta drink my butt hurts everything is raw. I can't wait to get this over with. Oh and my underarm is leaking again. 

illusions

Everything about you just leads to an illusion it's a fantasy that breaks my heart because I know when I awake to reality again. I suffer endless in silence. You made me so (emo) emotionally unstable. As I listened and felt you there but not really exist your just an illusion and now the tears roll down my face again. What if I never become real? Will I just create a fantasy world and go mentally insane? I imaged you here using your hands to wipe my tears, but then I remembered I probably wouldn't have a reason to cry anymore. I don't wanna feel anything anymore let me just live in this illusion where we are nysc and I can feel the pulse in your chest. Just remember to breathe. I wish I could see you there in your equinox. I'm bearly holding on anymore. In my illusion I meet with you in the outside without anyone around. You would have time for me and just me as I do you. An experience I haven't been able to describe. Let's walk a trail let me knock on that door. I feel damaged because the only way ever experience any of this is in an illusion in reality I haven't been able to do anything even close to you. I wish my reality would end because I'm sick of all this suffering. In my fantasy I'm not a virgin to all this stuff that everyone knows how to do but me. What's your favorite meal, tv show, hobbies, etc.? Whats your likes and dislikes? What your address? Where can I find you? Can we have a cookout together? My reality is bent and broken and it's so hard to keep breathing when I'm unable to do anything I'm still stuck living in this illusion.