what is it?

What is a memory just something that fades away with time. It's never so clear as it once was at the time of it's creation. I was reading this book I just bought recently and I started having flashbacks of another book I've read for school. Why is everything written and structure to everything but my life? Maybe the true God isn't in any textbook. Then I began to think about what is heaven? What will heaven be like is it something that I will dream about or the things I've not yet experienced, but want so much in life that I'll get them when I reach heaven? Will I even make it to heaven because I've let man destory my innoance? God always answer with the same lines encircling in my brain yes you will suffer but you will remain true and follow... Buy still what about the people who already have everything in life what's their version of heaven? Or is heaven just a place you reside and what will you have do once I get there? There's been so many times when I thought to myself I can't wait to enter your kingdom because isn't supposed to be everything good, happiness, full of love, respect, kindness etc.? It's made me not fearless of death because I can't wait until I can find you until you save me. There's been more then most my life when your the only person I can talk to. I have always thought you to be the invisible person, the one to save me when I reach heaven, but is that what heaven really is? I don't think it is or is it? Most people say that heaven is the place you go to see your loved ones again, but I've lived my whole life without loving anyone. That's not heaven to me that's just more islocation and pain and misery. So what is heaven really like? because if all the things I always desired is part of humanity. Then what's in heaven for me? If Ive never felt blessed on earth. What will you have for me in heaven and why do I want that much more then wanting to be here? maybe your answer is your always here now and later, but you only will save later. I don't know so lost. You know there's something wrong with me. I just want to feel equal values and worthiness, acceptance, strength, etc. Your the only one whoever listens to me, but I feel like your just like all the rest at times never there to meet me halfway. Never spoken to. Just an dream or islosion, but in those dreams of heaven for me maynot be what heaven actually is. Maybe because it's your domain and maybe I'll never find any real place to belong. Or maybe you could have plans for me in your kingdom that will allow me to be happy because you know I never was truly happy here on earth. Mankind isn't as heavenly and kind as you are I need someone sinless to save me. Hasn't that all I ever asked for? Tell me what's wrong with me why am I not blessed with love? I'm tired of feeling like I'd do anything and everything just for other humans but they won't do the same for me. Will you fight for me? Will you show me the positive things I live without daily? Will you show me how to be honest open kind loving and caring? Maybe that's heaven? Will I feel like I'm part of something and not just a passive listener? Will you cleanse me of all my sins and make me pure. Will you guide me to the light that's burning inside me and treat me the same as I do you? And there it is again I know I'm living in hell and waiting to reach heaven but I can't do it alone or maybe I can but it's not what I think. Will you help me if my eyes are bleeding from the toxic people that I still don't turn away. Will you make sure I don't loose myself or end up like them. Please don't turn me into that. God please help me be beautiful loving honest unbroken person I was supposed to be. Please help me when I get angry because I feel like I've done all the work by myself unsupported while others just say there and fed off me. Help me find the strength to not be so mean and angry about those acts of support and kindness. The helping hands the teamwork the dreams I've had of feeling equally working together on small to big things from getting people around me to walk in their own shoes and make their own life plans,  including cooking to cleaning, etc. That's all I honestly ever wanted and still want. You feel like I don't have to do all this alone. You feel like you wanted to support me and help me because that's in your heart. I shouldn't have to ask for it it's a given. God why don't I get it why must I constantly have to wait and suffer? I just want to create a better life, a better picture, to feel happy. I will try my best to continue being the best of me and better improve myself each day. But I need your help. Also I don't wanna think of god as the father anymore because you know how broken that makes me feel. Show me what real heaven is and please protect me from lies and destruction. And most importantly god is telling me now don't like them take advantage of you because you have released the light and they will try to burn it out. But this that's all I ever asked to be saved from. Save me from the disruptive mankind. So if heaven is a place that you envision then I will receive all the love and support and kindness from men and family that I never truly felt I had. I would be blessed with gifts that make me feel like I'm apart of the family. I wouldn't need to feel like I'd bend over backwards and do anything for anyone else but they won't do anything for me. So please don't allow anyone on earth to take from me and not give the same amount back. I feel like I'm turning evil again because I'm so tired of not feeling equal. Show me what it means to have a kind heart without asking for it. Teach me what it is to be real and live that dream not just dream it. Help me feel like the people do love and respect and are helpful and not just money hungry. God please save me from that. Save me from the people who claim they love me but yet are too poor to do nice things for me or with me. Don't let them take, take, take and leave me hanging out with that terrible feeling that I can't change because I'm stuck in hell. Silence, nothing, broken emptiness penniless, .etc all the evil take it away. Show me you want me around take me places, invite me, share things with me, do things with me, without feeling like you have to show me what a true heart is because God knows I'm still waiting......

I don't understand

How can you keep going on wanting to live another day without hearing my voice or seeing me face. How can you keep living without speaking to me. I can't take this shit no more it's driving me crazy. It hurts so much. I don't wanna go a single day without you. Why do I live with this constant sadness. Will I ever be whole will you ever fill the void in my heart that keeps me broken inside? I suffer daily why didn't you care for me? I need you so much your all I ever needed wanted. All I could ever dream about. Why are u keeping me hell? Please help me. I hope someday you will wake up and realize how broken and soulless you are without me. I need you love more than anything in this world. Everyday is a struggle without you in my life. Without you all I ever have is this constant longing that never ends. Sure there's always another day ahead of me but me without love is a battle I'm always loosing. Please find me soon. 

daily

Last night I went to bed around ten o'clock that's too early for me but it just was because I had this very sharp painful headache. It's like every month now I've been getting these headaches where my left eye would water a small amount. You can feel pain in your head and eye and nose. This time it switched to my right side. I had a but trouble falling to sleep. Ryan gave me a bottle of water and an aspirin. I can't believe it he is actually was nice to me. I'm not used to this. I feel asleep thank god no sharp headache. Only problem now is I'm up too early in the morning. It's almost 5am now. I threw be away my paper towel I used to cover my eye while holding my head and eye last night. Oh yeah I kept seeing this orange firey circle while my eye was closed. The black emptiness with a circle like a donut in the middle. Then it flated out became 2-d and the middle was soild orangy cream color. Like I could jump into it. I fell to sleep.

stressed out

Why am I still here? What is my purpose? Everyday is a battle that I just can't win. I'm searching for the light in me, but it's just so hard when all you see is the darkness. I used to think that if I prayed to God that things would get better that life would improve. I used to think if I just kept going to school, church, and seeking employment that I would find happiness within myself and that someday I'll find someone to love me, but lately I feel like I've lost everything. The whole world is dying. I feel really stressed out because I've lost everything that was supposed to make me better. Now I just stay at home everyday dreaming of a better life. I want to have a better life I need to change. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I find the help I need to succeed? Where is my savior? There's so much I haven't done yet. I want a new beginning. A new story to tell something that brings me happiness. I wanted to explore the unknown. I wanted to adventure out of my own bubble into a new place. I was better before but now I'm just tired of feeling like I have no future. It's like I'm constantly waiting for covid to end so I can get back to my struggle of self improvement. It just stressed me out so much. At least I can write about how I feel, but I really want to change things. I want to enjoy being here. God please help me find away to enjoy this life. Help me to not feel so much stress. Help me find away to feel better and be better. Help me start again. 

how I feel

When I had my surgery I didn't want to wake up. I just wish I could dream the rest of my life away. I feel like I don't have nothing to live for. I'm sick of being sick I just want the pain to end. If death can bring me that then I'm truly ready god take me away from this place. I don't want to live the rest of my life with this feeling of sickness. I'm never going to learn to live with it or be happy because of it. I never wanna wake up again. The pain it even hurts my eyes. I don't wanna 👀see myself like this no more. I can't feel anything but worthless, slience, misery, sickness, and pain. I just want it to end. I thought by having surgery I would become pretty not this ugly frankstein/zombie. All I know is I can't live with myself looking and feeling this way. It has to end I either need to be beautiful or dead. It's not just my physical being with the problems it's my society and social world too. All I see is pain and suffering and other sick people. I need to see perfection. It's a mixture of alot of things. I don't seem to feel anything at all but happiness when I dream so I'm hope death is like that. You may think. Suicidal but I'm not I don't choose to harm myself. I didn't get to choose this virus chose for me. Also I'll never learn to cope with this I'll always be broken until that day when the gates of heaven open up for me. Just know when I'm gone that finally at peace and I can finally be happy now. 

live events

Live life live events without them I don't have no purpose in life. There's no point in living anymore. I'm in a state of depression. When will this end? When will I be able to feel alive again? I'm loosing hope. Hope for life love and my humanity. Give me back my life. Let me run outside. Give me freedom and peace. Give me purpose. Give me opportunity. Give me bruises and hugs. Give me a voice to speak with. Now all I do is sit at home alone in the darkness. It's hard to mend. I don't wanna breathe. Still I'm here trying my hardest to be patient. All my life I've been seeking and searching for an experience and now it feels like I'll never get there. God please help me find the path back to opportunities. Please don't shut me out no more. Please don't let me be forever stuck at home because you know my home is broken and I'm miserable here. I don't want to live in a world where I have to stay at home in this hellish lifeless, loveless, prison. I need to get away far away from here. I need a new start in a new place where I have a chance to better myself and everything else in my life please don't take this away from me. Why does it feel like just when I was ready to take myself a step further in life you pushed me me under and now I'm stuck here in hell for eternity. My ears are bleeding here my eyes can't handle the pain. God please show me the beauty in the world. Give me back my opportunity for a tommorow.