new

Step one find the beauty in everything everyday. Be creative and make good things happen. Even when it's hard just remember to find my inner light because everyday is a new beginning. Even when I share all the things that we should be thankful for and you don't agree I will not let it hold me back. It's time to step out from that starting line and put one foot forward and see where I end up. I'm so done with constantly feeling frozen in time this ends now. I will become a better person or a person of who I'm meant to be or I've always been. It feels great until others try to hold power over me but this time I refuse no matter what they do I refuse to go back to the frozen state I've lived in for so long. 

the starting line

Show me how to shine tell me how to speak and feel calm steady and at peace. Bring forth the light teach me how to spread joy. This is my aftermath of my tragedy. I couldn't find the goodness in life until I decided to break free from all the sadness and start to bring forth the light inside of me. I am finally free from all the pain and suffering that others have thrown upon me because I'm free to be me all by myself. I found that I am only truly happy when no one is around. I'm able to exist in any existence I choose. I get make my own choices. I'm becoming my own person and exploring my own life. I will treat myself how I would want others to treat me. I don't need others to waiting for something good to happen, so you can't make my pathway for me I will make my own. Even when I have to carry the weight of your problems I won't ever let it overpower who I am or where I'm going. The next steps should be to be thankful...

torn between worlds

Without air to breathe or with a mask to hide behind we all wear many shades of masks it's just another precieved image of the antisocial society that you have created in your sight in my mind. We all die in the end where we been or go next doesn't matter we all end up the same. When all is lost and only hope remains that's when people rise above and bring forth light to the dark. Everyday we all learn how to adapt to this new type of lifestyle, but don't forget for some of us we still remained the same. What is happening some people have grown bigger hearts and some people just went to a new place that we all will someday reach. Was it really worth it being aware or unware of everything? While your 6ft apart I'm so distance from reality I don't know when I'll be 6ft down and under but all I can do is hope that this journey will give me a new beginning. 

break my barrier

Teach me peace not fear. Show me how to smile. Take my hand and walk with me help me overcome fear. Tell me your story. Teach me how to gift and receive. Show me what it takes to be a friend. Teach me how to have an realtionship. Show me how to have a purpose. Tell me all of your secerts. Take it step by step with me. Give me all the experience I've never been shown. Break my fears and show me I'm not worthless. 

my story

I always thought I never had a story because I'm still at the beginning and I haven't gained enough experience to have a story of my own. Maybe all these years my story is this. Is it bad one what if its not good enough what if it never changes. Will I ever past the starting line. Will I ever be thawed out of my frozen state or will my pain remain inifite....

what if...

I spend my whole life in my bedroom never leaving. I'll never meet you. What if I never experience anything at all because I'm too scared to try? What if I'm too ugly. What if I not good enough. What if I stop saying this and I say it's okay I am okay. What if I wake up and leave this place and still wonder around alone in silence and u still can't find you. What if I don't have to keep searching will you ever find me? What if I die today would that change anything maybe I'll meet you in my afterlife. If so maybe I'm tired of this life and I don't wanna live no more. What if you never save me and I just become dark. What if God doesn't have a plan for me What if the devil doesn't care. What if I lost my way would you help me find me my way back. What if I forever remain broken. Then I guess I'll just leave these entries behind in limbo unread unheard but they will still remain after I'm gone. 

what I want...

Tell me that I'm beautiful and not a piece of trash. Kiss me from head to toe or toe to head. Tell me you can't live without me. Tell me all the qualities that made you fall in love with me. Share your dreams with me tell me I'm your dream girl. Cry for me beg for me breathe for me live for me. Take  my hand never let me go. Tell me all your secerts. Show me what it's like to be loved, respected, honest, and true. Build a home with me and family. Help me overcome my fears. Be my always and forever. Hold me close but give me space when I need it. Be my one and only as I am yours. 

can I be random?

What you want to know more details? What if i just started saying some random shit that didn't relate to any category at all? Fuck I don't even know what to say now or do I? My damn neck hurts so bad now and I'm super bored. I need some drugs and a good massache. Am I allowed to talk like this? I guess so not not anyone is listening anyways. What what fuck is a heart beat? I don't hear anything. I'm just sit here drink until what happens? Maybe I'll get tired of speaking in text with my damn fingers and just pass out. Yep here comes the yawns again. It's only 10:50pm and I'm already yawning. Must stay awake. My brain just went dead I think I had too many thoughts tonight. I don't see the life I wish I had because I don't truley see what's going on in your life. I m so lost. I'm sitting here listening to ashes to new and this shit is going to crazy. It's always the same here going nuts. I can't see shit here just in isolation. Okay I'm done I don't think I found some random shit to say tonight after all. 

shattered thoughts

Am I crazy? so what then it shall be it will be what it will. I'm not going to let you and you know who I'm talking about all of "you's" who don't take the time to reflect on or to open your eyes or your minds to what is real. Hell yeah we all make own life choices. Yeah I get happy by myself I also get sad too. I wear the damn mask and paint your fucking pretty picture of what you think is normal. But what is normal anyways? And who really gives a shit and does any of this any matter anyways? Too many questions I'm looking for the answer because I already know what it is. 

time

How the hell is this happening? I can't possibly still be the same person or froZen as I was before. How do I press play because this seems like I've been on pause on frozen frame for too fucking long. That just sounds too much of limbo or the same damn cycle I don't wanna repeat the same circle or cycle over and over again. Yep so no more endless loops for me. And I'm so tired of the darkness so when the hell will I see some good, happiness, kindness even if I share it when will the cycle end and will I encounter the I kingdom of kindness? Okay let's how this cause and effect will go... It's like a game if dominos. Even if you don't want me there fuck you. I'll just something up even if it's not solo playing game. 

where to go from here...

I don't even know but i guess I'll just keep trying to figure it out without direction guidance support or a plan and let's see what happens. 

just do it...

Okay I'm so to talk about my biggest fear but in order to do that I have to talk about my dreams because they both are a combination of truth that I won't ever speak out of  my mouth. And why is that? Because I haven't found it. But still I wonder What would happen if I could become fearless? 

First my biggest fear is that I will remain sick and alone with this diesase forever and it will kill me. Second, my fears are that I won't ever reach my dreams or goals. That I won't ever experience what is like to have one best friend or group of friends. The silence will kill me or will it just keep me in a damn textbox. Fourthy, I fear that I will not ever have my fanasty family that I've always dreamed about. And my fifth fear would be spiders. Six that I will never change no matter what or where I go...

Okay so maybe I came over some of these obstickiles but still....

These fears remain I will not show my true self to anyone and if I finally find a place to fit in that I fuck it all up. My overall biggest dream and fear is that four letter word Love. I don't wanna be a ball and chain. I just need to feel emotional freedom to express myself and accepted for myself. Another fear is I'll never be able to express or show myself to anyone else or no one will ever read this. It's like there's never any feedback and I'm talking to myself or a ghost. There's no purpose for me and that will kill me. I just need a reason to leave this situation. I can put myself in that concesiness but still thats just me solo and there's still that emptiness that keeps me awake. 

definifintive list

The definitive The list:

Making  memories

Art of communication

Exploration 

Sharing cost 

Hurt pain love

Building and breaking

Secerts 

Knowing without asking

Trust

Words and actions

Movation

Influences

real friends?

What the hell are friends? Can someone explain to me what it is not in definition but in experience. I can only depend on no accountability. A broken resource that stays unresolved. I must be living in a state of denial because there's no rainbow or butterflies here. When I sleep I don't even dream n ok it's just blank darkness not even a nightmare. I'm living with my demons. There's no faces, messages, not even a ring of the phone or at the door. Just endless void. 666 even santan has friends. Take me to heaven or take me to hell but neither have occured. I'm just talking to myself again. I can only trust myself because my friend hasn't put any effort. All I can do is tired myself out on and endless search for a connection to a sense of belonging I have never encountered. I out myself out there but I guess it wasnt enough. There's not a much past hello but the akward silence that follows. Not much thought past this day after day that follows. I drown in sorrow but not in front of you because you will bring life to this lifeless world I live in. Purpose follows....

thoughts

Only one outnumbered by many wishing I didn't have the oxygen to breath there's too much space in this empty void trapped in limbo of yesterday I can't find tomorrow still wishing upon a star seeking for a shed of light some shape of worth. Still I remain the same every second min hour day year all it's ever been all it's ever remained a text a page a journal of pain broken misery why can't I find just one sunshine worthy pharse. Still sitting at the starting line not sure how to even begin. It's like I'm frozen and there's nothing that can thaw me out of this. Hidden inside my fears disconnected from the vision of life I sat out to live. Still searching running for hope luck belief. Still I have no voice just endless silence. I don't wanna be human no more because if humanity means having emotions then I'm frozen. The pain runs too deep inside my veins. Where's the microscope so I can find the tiny particles that you forgot to explore. Maybe I should just blackout and stop breathing. 

it's takes a five

It takes 5 friends it's what most people would say 5 people or even four people to make build form something well you never see that one person who they say it takes one to make a change. I don't think so what I see is everything in life takes the life help from others. I don't see any light given to world without it. It's all about teamwork. There is no "I" in team as they say. It takes more then one to make things happen. You wanna build a bridge then have a team. You wanna create a band then have a team, You wanna build a home then have a team, even McDonald's workers are a team, See where I'm going with this. One person in isolation can't have achievements without the help from others. I'm so sick and tired of the weight of the world on my shoulders because God didn't provide me with a team. I just feel so disconnected from life. It's too hard to find a team. Always waiting searching hoping praying looking for something I can't seem to find. Have I gone mad yes I have but Im still hopeful even after a decade of solitude. At the sametime I have fear fear of what if I find a team to belong to and u don't fit in or I get rejected what then? How will I break this isolation? My dream my whole life was to be apart of a team to be apart of a family not to live isolation and still I seek.....waiting for that connection and sense of belonging to make this life worthwhile. I'm still searching for teamwork, a best friend, an realtionship, and a purpose. So far that's the only thing I can't seem to obtain in this lifetime. I try so hard to not let it bring me down. I won't let it break me but still it haunts me all the time. 

what now

So I removed all the negativity all the toxic people out of my life and now I just sit in silence. So my question is what is next or will it forever remain silent? I have only one life one self what can I do with this where will it take me? I am at peace with myself but I still don't know where to find the positive engery I need. I will still remain hopeful. 

limbo

It's like I'm stuck in limbo everything is on repeat. Your just a living memory. Will things ever get back to normal? When will I end the same the same repeat of yesterday? Everything is in a rut how to fix this. Where's the movation to pack up and go live in the here and now stop the limbo. Break free and allow myself to be myself. There's beauty in life only if your living it. End the cycle of limbo. You showed me the end of the world. You showed your colors who is there and who isn't. I don't need it no more. It's time to rise above the ghosts and breathe again. Why must I wait on others I've been in isolation and limbo for Soo long now. Am I about to break. I've cut out everything toxic you tried to feed me. I need to do me. I don't need your damn endless cycle of the same shit story. When will my story begin. Soon enough my eyes are open and my mind is free from everything and everyone. I am now free to begin....

without

Here's the list of all the things I missed out on in this life:

Number one the most important one communication

Trust

Understanding

Appreciation

I thought of you when I was out and brought you back something from the store..

Teamwork

A memory

A reason to fight for

Hope for tomorrow

The good the bad and everything in-between

A smile

A text

A hug

A gaze

Walking while holding hands

A kiss

Knowing information about what you like or dislike

A phonecall

A text message

Friendship among parents or meeting of

An invitation

A time and place

An experience

A friend and an friend of a friend

To be my trueself

 

still breathing

Here I sit listening to other people's stories over and over again. I still haven't managed to create my own, but I guess it kills the silence. Time changes everything one might say but I feel like I'm stuck in a frozen endless time loop that never changes. There's no beginning no ending.. I am just here. What am I leaving behind when I die? Why should I even care not like anyone notices I'm here and now. I see no change. Destint to stay the same. Maybe I'm becoming more like a ghost. The hours and calendars will continue while I just roam in the dust. Am I still alive? I don't have any witness to prove it. What is communication I lived life so long without it. Everything is intangible. Why does it sound so sad all the time? Why do I continue to write out pain anger or fear but not ever write anything good? What if I wasn't to have any fear at all. They say we fear the unknown. I think even if it's scary and time is taking out to understand but it it's not scary no more. I can live in a fearless world, but that's not even possible. Everything is always in the details sometimes I just can't find the resources to figure it all out.