it's hard to decipher

I'm not sure how to open this door. All I know is I'm always saying to myself or writing I'm still waiting for a beginning. Maybe because I've inherited slow brains everything takes me years and years to find and others it takes them far less time. I dunno what's wrong with me. All I know is I'm missing out on the timeline of you and me. Sharing daily life experiences creating memories etc. I'm still wishing you was here to share them with me. I'd give anything for those things with me. I'm still waiting to have this with you my love. That's why I can't explain it because we haven't yet begun....  Here I sit and watch my age waste away. I'm never getting back the time lost wasted here alone with no experience of anything. 

unworthy me

Dislocated isolated an unwanted plague is what you gave me to share with on a daily basis. It's all that remains. Nothing ever really changes. Also what am I working for it's not like a I can goto a store and buy me a human connection. All I have is emptiness and this longing for something I don't even know what it is. All I know is that I haven't experienced it yet. Is it normal to cry everyday if my life for like the past twenty years and I'm still doing it. It's like I'm stuck on pause and I can't get no one to push the play button for me. Now I'm obselete and my batteries stopped working and there no replacement for me because no one uses me anymore. I'm just a system malfunction. I am the hollow empty shell. I have to make work my life because there's nothing outside of it. No one wants to be around me at home. There's nothing here but my years of tears and me writing about it 

my fantasy

We walk through a park together holding hands. I can feel the electricity between us. When I stare into your eyes I see my future with you. You make me feel better about myself. We support each other in everyway. We talk and write and share stories together. You show me what it is to love. Your a magnet that pulls me into you. You've given me the experience no one else wanted to share with me. Your always on my mind when we part I can't wait to until I see your face again not even tomorrow would be so soon. You make up for all the time I've been absent from love. You complete me and now I'm whole again. You created a timeline for us. I'm not even sure of what we do together because I haven't experienced anything yet but I'm sure when we meet you will show me what it is. I'm still waiting to know what togetherness feels like. I'm waiting for you to change the way I write from the heartache and sadness to something great I don't know how to words because the experience just isn't there for me. Once that is done I want to be thankful. I need you to make me a better person. With you I'm blooming into the person I should have been. You help me dream again you inspire me to do better. You want to build a home and a family with me. Your supportive in everything I want to do in life. Your with me every step of the way. I'm also right there with you by your side trying my best to do anything to make sure to keep you happy. We live life together and we travel places together. We build memories together. You are my dream come true. The question is where are you? When will if ever will I ever be loved? Take away my tears.

can you feel me? I wish you could understand

I remain unattainable I thought you would understand. I wanted no needed you to read me like a book. All I ever wanted was to try to see if you was a real person if you wasn't all just an illusion. I needed to see if there could have been something, but there was never a reply and you showed me that your the missing piece that could of made me happy. That's all I ever wanted for you is happiness. I wanted us to complete each other. I'm still lost and it hurts so much. I wanna see you and tell you how much I miss you and without you I'm not happy. I want to live something real with you let's go someplace together and share who we truly are without anyone or anything in our path. Let's begin a future by creating a life a timeline a experience shared moments and there's so many of them we could have together if only you would see me outside of your world. I don't wanna fall for your illusion anymore. I just want real quality time with you to get to know the real you. I would have done anything for that, but you don't want the same. Now I'm supposed to find someone else who can complete me. It hurts I don't even want too. I remain broken until I can start sharing time with you... 

without you

It hurts like hell. When I text you never reply. I asked you several years ago to be my friend, but friendship is something no man would ever give me. In my awaking world I see that I was never worthy of anything. I died inside a little more with each passing day. Those days turn into long years. I don't know how to fix this? How do I begin something I could never start? All I ever wanted was an experience, a memory, a new chapter. I still remain frozen in time. Like a time capsule just waiting for something real to begin. I'm so sick of writing about emptiness and denial. I just wanted to live live life and be happy, but not alone. I needed a shared experience. I wanted a family I needed you for that, but you left me hanging alone in this empty void. I miss you but you never existed in the first place. Now I'm just empty and heartless. All my hopes and dreams remain broken.