call me crazy

Well this is very unusual my cousin actually said she wants to do something nice for me. I've never experienced this before this should be interesting. I'm used used to hearing "no" all the time and crying about money. I'm not sure what it would be like to have her actually doing something nice for once ever. That's even if it even happens. Feels like some sort of mircale. Well that would be a new change. 

what I ask of god

During these hardtimes when it feels like the end of the world. Show me how to be the light and receive the light in this dark era. Help me learn to how value and trust in others. Teach me how to feel worthy. Take away some of my burdens. Help me find balance. Give me cooperation. Show me how to be a friend or a lover. Teach me how to better myself and others. Help me find a place to live and work where I will feel valued and not broken and worthless. I can see what the problem is please god help me fix these things. I can't be what I'm meant to be it succeed in my own. You know I try and try over and over again. It just brings me down to a dark place I can't survive. Sometimes I wonder why still continue to try again and again. Lift me up and save me from this nightmare. Please god give me the balance I need to make it all better. Accept me for who I am. Prepare me for my next journey. 

what's wrong with me this is...

Always feeling disconnected like I'm not able to receive the right kind of help. There's a lack of support in my life. Why should I always have to make a suggestion or ask for it? why can't I just receive the support I need? This always ends up being the results of my sadness. Still I always carry all the weight of everything and proceed forward. I just keep keeping that I could change this but I can't do it alone. This is always how I become a failure. Even when I try so hard to do all this by myself in the end it never works because your not being supportive. So to anyone out there who wants to see me improve anything then be what I need to better myself and my life. I will do my best to share the samething with you. It can be from small helping hands to larger tasks. It can be from love to hate friendships, families, work and fun. It also can be from communication or physical duties. Simple things like just making someone smile, or larger things like paying for something, or even building something new. One thing I know about myself is I constantly seeking and waiting for this to happen. I continue to do everything on my own but it really does bother me that I never feel like I get the support I need. I'm still waiting.......

myself

What I want to do is change everything. I constantly waiting on covid to end to start my beginning. I need an agent so I can move. Where to unknown all I know is I need to explore new places to start a better path. So I'm need a five year plan. I'm need steps to take 

1 move hire agent

2 get into a new school

3 get new job again hire a agent

4 make ryan get a job

5 healthy dieting

So it seems everything is on hold and I'm getting tired of waiting so step 5 is the only one I can work on right now. Also I'm stuck on step 1 because I have no idea where I should go. 

what I believe

Life is good even in hardtimes as long as you have the right influences. I know I'm in the light. I know that I'm not what others think of me. No one will understand until I meet the right type of people who have a better understanding. I've wrote it over and over again. Yes it's normal to talk to myself. Don't communicate with those who only see everything as a fight to be battled. I am the page turner of truth. It bothers me when no one will understand. I will cut out all the toxic and start a new. Someday I'll be able to speak without feeling shitty. So if I ever cut you out of my social circle it's because you never gave me an opportunity to speak. Or it maybe all the things that have occurred time after time. It all leads up to something. It doesn't mean I don't care it's just means I can't fix it. At some point with somethings it's better to just give up when you can't fix it. I never been a quiter I've always tired to find a solution. Always try to make things better or nicer. 

unable

So what I'm thinking is not just one person but several people in my family have steered me wrong. My mother, my cousin, my son. I'm unable to trust anyone because of the quality of character. I'm not even allowed to speak about anything because if I do I'm always told I'm the one with the problem. I wish I wasn't related anyone then I wouldn't be treated the way I get treated. I'm a beautiful person when I'm alone. I just don't know how I'm stay kind, trusting forgiving, etc. God and text give me my freedom of speech without negative judgement. My mother always says the samething over and over again. I don't treat her right. That she wished she never left me this house and all the stuff she did. How the hell am I treating her wrong she doesn't even explain. All she does all the time is talk about how everyone is stealing her money. All she ever talks about is money. And I'm always hearing her tell me to get a job and even if I do that she yells the ones I get aren't good enough. She never tells at ryan to do anything at all. She yells at me when I ask him to do stuff. Like he's supposed to do nothing but sit around and get fat and be miserable. But isn't that what my family members always shown me. When I look at all the anger and overweight problems and health problems it makes me angry. I don't want that at all. I've always tried to better myself, but still I'm told I'm wrong for saying this or that. It's like no matter what I do I'm always wrong. I can't even speak most of the time because I'll get hit physically or mentally verbally or both. Just because nothing will ever make you happy or you can't change your ways doesn't mean I need to be like you. I've always felt like I don't belong here. Then she says stuff like my doctor wants me to see a neutrisoist but I already know what I'm supposed to eat. I tell her she does need one but she's the type of person who won't listen. She thinks she knows everything if she did she wouldn't be so fucked up. Also she keeps buying my son food he eats too much. It drives me mad. He doesn't even ration. But yet they all make me feel bad because I say I like this or don't like that or will it won't something like I'm the problem. It's so hard for me to change and better myself when I think about all my family does the same shit and gang up on me. It's like because I don't fit into your ways of doing things so I'm not good enough. But yet I'm the smallest person out of them. And yes I don't wanna be like them and I won't change for them. I've seen what it does to them. Just like I've seen the excuses of money is the reason for all your problems. I will not ever change. I just wish they wake up before it's too late. I've told her you can't buy me and I can't always do what u want when u want. I also can't fix the anger you feel with dad. I told her to kick him out or call the cops. She did something to make him angry and he threw a fork at the wall putting a hole in it. She's mad cause all he does is go-to casinos. He won't do any work around the house for her not even goto the hospital with her. When I'm around it's a different story he starts doing things and then he complains like I do how no one ever helps him and he's sick of doing it alone. Mom says we are like because we are. Don't complain and fight just get it done, but yet he still gets lazy. I don't talk about wanting to kill people and crazy stuff like he does though. Also I don't blame other racists for problems. I blame the designers, the economy, the zoned locations and also the quality of character. There's always respect and disrespect. I always keep my eyes and ears open. It just hurts me when I feel like I'm not allowed to speak as my true self. Mostly I'm so done and tired with trying to fix other people. I just want to focus on making myself a better person. I'm tired of being judged for being different. Communication is very important but lots of times it's so hard to do that's why my entire life has been in text. I know I'm a light within the darkness. I'm just tired of no one ever letting me be me without the compassion or understanding. And yet I'll still continue to be this no matter what. I don't like to live in the past. I'm forever searching for change a new experience. I don't live in yesturday but for tomorrow. I'm just so tired of hearing mom talk about stuff she did in the past doesn't she see that the things you do and say tomorrow change your future. If I still hung on to past stuff I'd go crazy because most of my family's past consisted of drugs, abuse, voilience, health and mental problems. That is why I never felt like I belong here. That's why I always wanna choose strangers over family. That is why I will not follow that path. That's also the reason why I have built so many walls around myself. I don't know what's going on with Debbie I hope she's not dying. It seems like Everytime someone in my family is close to death or they are broken they start spending more time with me. Not sure what's going on here. Guess I'll find out soon. 

learning

One thing I know I need to start doing now is stop stop sacrificing everything for the sake of others. Stop trying to make everyone else pleased. I need to out myself first for once in my life. Not only myself but think about the reaction of another. I can't make everyone happy. I need to have some bountries. How will you feel if you are constantly making everyone else happy but yourself? No one will care because they are greedy. It's not easy to let go. It never is and now that you know this you know what you have to change. I still still be kind and thoughtful, but drawlines because if you don't you'll end up broken. And never forget treat others like they treat you. Do for others not just because they want something from you but because they actually care. Also always remember to think and think before making a decision. And stop feeling like a bad person because you are not. Sometimes it's okay to change your mind. 

all this....

All these broken souls they don't know my heart. Timing is never what the soul desires. Don't let drown. I'm going round in circles. Can you change me from the monster you made me. Nobody cares if I'm dead or alive. I'm on the edge of a knife. My demons are real. I'm so blinded. Are you just as broken as me? While you improved your quality of life. I still remain here with the broken beating and the abursied. Still searching for a better way out. How can I make my out from the problematic people in my life? I'm praying for what seems like a miracle. My soul needs to be surrounded by the beautiful wise and successful people. What does it take to throw away all the toxic thoughts. A happy person who can share a dream made into reality. Open your eyes open your heart to the power of a better lifestyle. I still continue to push on to make everyday brighter but I feel at lost because I haven't found anyone to share the light with. Teach me how to be loved. Am I worth it do I deserve it? That's the experience feeling that I wish I could endure. It's simple for everyone else but me I feel so emotionless. Why is so easy to feel pain but so hard to obtain happiness? Tell me what I need to do to fix this? How much longer will it take? how long do I have to keeping praying for a better tomorrow? I want to meet a stranger until your not. Break down these walls. Show me I have nothing to fear. I'm looking for a lifeline that seems like a lifetime. Is there anybody out there who feels the same? I wanna create a better story. A new adventure, a better outlook in life, and a new beginning. I know I'm meant to feel special, but I can't do it alone. Oh god please bless me. I need to know there there are endless possibilities. Will you be the fuel to my fire? Help me find you. I wanna know what's going on inside that head of yours. Do you believe in magic? Your my wavelength in my sound byte. What's your fantasy? Give me the strength I need to proceed.  It's a war I'm not winning. How will find the the help I need? Tell me how am I supposed to look at myself I'm the mirror without the feeling of wanting to die? Why won't you save me? I know it's not okay I know I'm not okay. It's like what do I have to live for now? How will I keep continuing to live this way? I know it will only get worse with time it never gets better. I know I'll never fully heal but why do I have to suffer alone? It's like I have to find someone who is blind or worst off more than I am. I can't even obtain that. I just wish this heavy burdien would end. I want to feel beautiful and worthy. Why must I always feel so sad? This isn't the story I had in mind. I wanted so much more but that's not happening. I've never had anyone close to me just when I was standing in a crowd and hearing the same suffering I'm experiencing made me feel like I'm not the only one. Now I don't feel nothing at all anymore just the islocation. Just more and more absence in my life. I can try to pretend I'm okay and cover up everything everyday but it always remains it never goes away. Too bad for me the virus in me wasn't human because then I'd know it would always be there for me forever. Would you be my virus? If I can't accept having to live like this how in hell would anyone else? Because I know it's wrong it's not right. I don't hate myself I hate what I can't control. I will continue to pray but I'm loosing my faith. I've actually been praying for heaven. I just want this nightmare to end. It's like no matter what I try to do to make this better it only continues to get worse. Why does it have to be so hard? Why is it so hard to feel okay but so easy to feel pain? How will I ever be happy? I'm so tired of pretending. I would make one hell of an actress with how I pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I just wish I could fall to sleep and never wake up again. It would be so much easier. God please save me. I lived in hell on earth so please help me find heaven. Where's the light to cast out these shadows? Show me how to feel good. Help me feel better. Show me what I'm missing make me apart of greatness. Put me in the right direction. Help me please end my suffering. Please take this curse away and let me be free to start anew. Let me rise above this and find beauty. Help me excel to a new experience a better quality of life. Give me the hope I need to make it through this storm. 

what I need

A friend a fighter a lover open and honest commitment. Explore the unknown until it's something worth experiencing. The best and the worst part of me. How am I supposed to make someone crazy over me? How. I supposed to ever be happy? How am I ever supposed to have any dreams? When will I ever stop feeling worthless? When will I ever feel like I'm complete. How will I ever break out of this darkness and see the light? How am I supposed to rebuild my broken heart? When will I ever stop feeling like I'm just talking to myself? Where's the magic? 

why won't I stop

Why won't I stop hurting myself? it's all my fault I keep talking to the same person thinking that it will help but it never does. why can't I just learn to let go find someone else who will tell me that I can't stand to go a single day without wanting to hear your voice or see you. I'll always be there for because I care about what's on your mind. I want to make you smile I never wanna see you sad. I want you to be happy and improve yourself. I'm interested in you and everything about you. I want to participate in the things you like doing. 

why even bother

Everything in life is just a waste of time anyways nothing will ever change. I'm sick of having to do everything on my damn own I can't even share anything who is supposed to be around for me? no your supposed to cheer your own damn self up you will forever be broken damaged and incomplete without a beginning nothing ever changes it all remains the same you know why your mad because no one will ever want to do anything that would make you happy. There is no man out there who will take the time to make you happy. I should change my name from christina to misery or crybaby. And no one knows how long Ive been drowning in tears every single night. I can't even rest in peace. I might as well just start making up a pretend life inside this journal since no one else gives a shit about me.

lost and alone

When I want to communicate and feel loved when I wanna feel alive your never there to build me up and and share your life you are just another song a written word intangible melody inside my head you only take take take then spit me out when your done you filled my heart with emptiness I got all emotional over myself I couldn't feel anything else I couldn't see you because you didn't come running for me so make your move where's the effort did you try or is this just always going to remain the same here I am alone with my own words raging inside of my head and I wish it would end I got a imagineary everything everything that was hopeful and positive was just a dream a wish upon star that couldn't ever make it to reality can you see my suffering nothing will seal this wound I'm just talking to myself again it a cycle that never ends will please teach me how to ......

repeat my to mind is is always on repeat

What do you do where you do go when everything remains the same the silence is always the biggest part of me it doesn't matter where or when because in the end it never begin in the first place just a quick moment that you'll never forget that you felt more alive than ever only to be taking away and then the cycle repeats stuck inside your own mind conversations with own yourself for too far now the only person who speaks is yourself let this destory me when will I be able to break free from this solitude and feel my humanity why wouldn't you let me be the better part of me I've filled my fingers with void my ears with silence my eyes with tears can you see my empty soul  can you fix what's broken will you ever take notice am I even alive or am I living in hell I can never tell your speaking in tongues but your heavenly father wasn't sending the communication so you held the weight of rejection time won't help you it doesn't matter where you go who u see they are all the same in the end there all a connection your just a fucked up rejection shun by reality the only friend your ever have is this piece of paper the only creation you ever known your in a wreck but you can't break away from whats killing you your the forsaken still awaiting for your savior to break the silence and fill your text with a new attitude that leads to the unbroken ....

the art of communication

This is my wakening I've never truly been honest with anyone in my life. I've always hidden everything and said nothing. I always blamed others for my own problems. Now I realize that I am the one with the problem and I just need to change that. I'm going to be a better person by instead of keeping silent about things and thinking the worst things. I'm going to be more honest and open to myself and others. I will be better at communicating with the truth from now on. 

there's is beauty in writing

There's so much power in the words that are written it can change your entire world. It can make your heart change its mind. It can set you free. It maybe an escape route to an unknown place. It's the light that shines through the darkness. It can be the key to unlocking something. The verses in your song. The emotion that makes me feel alive. The gift that God has given. When unspoken unable to speak or tell the truth because of fear the words written are honest. They set the tone and change the mood. They are apart of you they are your true self. They are your soul. They give purpose. They write my story. They are the biggest part of me.