group n grades

Well I feel terrible and I'm not even sure who to blame anymore. I tried texting my school group leader all weekend trying to get started on doing this project and of course everyone is too busy for it. He even told me hes sorry. Why am I the only person in the world who has time but no access to the tools or learning I require. So here am again again crying at home writing this stuff again. I wrote my teacher a letter today. I even tired to get a key to open the door but the cage wasnt open. So I dunno I guess I just have to wait. There's nothing else that I can do now. 

for change

       Where to begin? I feel like I need a new beginning. I've spent so much time just watching people come and go just like the buildings and businesses of the town they always do the same here oneday gone the next. It's like no matter how hard I try I'm just stuck here alone without much change at all. It's an endless cycle. For the most part of my life I was a single mother who didn't fit into the world. I didn't have any hope for any other future until my son got older and the economy I reside in started changing. I still feel like an outsider or a watcher when it comes to my socail life. I've never been part of any type of any socail group besides the crowd. Even at school when in classes I still feel like the watcher because there's never a chance for me to speak or be spoken to. Then I got this virus and everything just went even futher downhill because now instead of being the muted watcher I'm the bug in the system. For several months I had to keep trying to mend a normal student life while being ill. It was not easy; I'm getting better now. I used to work for uber in 2018 which helped me get out of the house and open up to the socail interactions of people. That's when I discovered that not everyplace is abusive and ugly. Before uber It was hard for me to get anytype of employment because people would always tell me, "no" or "I'm sorry." Because my child was an liability, I didn't have the right experience, or background to back me up. I got fired from uber without a statement of what really happened all they sent me was an email saying to read their community guidelines. Also, I was having problems with the time distance and payments not being fair. They once frozen my account because they had me mixed up with someone else, but I've read my profile comments and seen my stars people really did like me. I feel like I could have done more but something didn't want me to. Then I got online and applied for grubhub and it keeps me local which is better on my car and gas, but now I'm having trouble with it killing my phones battery too fast and then I can't be productive. I also have been attending school and I tried getting a job in a different direction in life, but it's not easy. My teacher gave me some places to try so I did I went to volunteer for resume credit at an center for arts theather. Then a paid  day at what they call change over at tobys restaurant. Then I got sick and couldn't receive anything for 3 months. Then I applied for disability and its just another waiting game. There's so many many years with zeros on my report that I'll never get anything when it comes to retirement. I'm feeling like a loser because there's too many zeros and time isn't money in my life it's just I'm running out of time. I'm getting older closer to the age of retirement and yet I still havent been accepted into the real working class world. I feel like I tried every resource out there churches, school, government, etc. and I'm still unable to fit in to the world of money. I refuse to just sit at home and let my slience consume me. I've been going crazy. I just want to feel valued and appericate like I am part of the economy, but not just this I want to feel vauled by others because I'm also socially deprived. I spent just about everyday crying alone in my room because of this and no one knows because I can't take this feeling with me outside. I have to be strong infront of others. All I know is that I need to get out of here and make a change for good and I'm not sure how yet. I'm still searching for hope, love, and faith in life. I also need to get out of the same place and try new experiences and adventures at other places to see if I can find a sense of belonging or a new beginning someplace else. I'm just so sick and tired of repeating the same cycle of worthlessness and shame. I am ready to letgo of all my regret, pain, and troubles and find something new. 

time

Time and place nothing ever moves forward I feel frozen like im on a oneway track that constally continues im one direction never changing im feel critically challenged im drowning deeper into the ground without you I cant get back to what I used to be my socail class is all dead now I need to get out here there's no socail circle for it they call it a crowd  

invisibly of poverty

This injustice shouldn't be allowed to exist with all the non profits and acenices there are all over the world. I have no socail security and im still waiting on a status change will I get it or not? Looks like im need a lawyer so I applied  for welfare and well they are telling me in order to recieve cash for my basic cash flow of survial that you can only get it from having a child under 18 years of age. So the socail worker gave me a medical form to fill out by an doctor. The dermotogilst said he wouldnt fill it out ask my primary doctor to do it. My primary doctor says she won't do as well. So im sitting here in the school parking lot trying to get my grub hub app to make me not enough money for living expenses. I still have swores all over me but I still continue to try my best to stay active. I just sick of not having any support system that works. Im falling back into my depression once again. But yet my damn doctor gets paid everytime I visit them or they wont see me. Same issues with school no one sees anyone without a payment. No one I dont see anyone in the whole wide world im so fucking angry. So whatever statics are out there about economic incomes are all fucking lies because where I'm from it says howard county gets 100k per year and I dont get that not even close. Something needs to change. I am the invisibly poverty. Alone in the darkness kept on mute for far too long. No one cares if I live or die. I feel like I dont even get it from my family. Ive learned to only trust no one but myself because no one else in life will help you acheive any amount of income so why so I even keep going to the doctors? And who pays for the humira shots take they keep sending me? Are they even helping me or killing me? Also whats going to happen with my sons future? He's 19 years old now. Will he be able to make his own or will he fall into the same endless cycle as me. I hope he doesn't inhert the same problems I have. He doesn't have the physical attritubes I have which is good. He has same socail problems but he doesn't have to pay bills living at home with mommy. I wish he was more independent. So he doesnt fall islocated frozen in the same time period. Why am I not localized or globalized all I do is waste time trying to climb a mountain that has no resources provided to get me to the top. This phone still hasnt gone off i guess no one wants their food delivered. I need to find another outlet. I know I can count school out because they say im the problem that I don't show that I am ready. I guess not when no one has structurally involed me to move on from this. I am worthless to my local self and to the world as a whole. All I can do now is hope that I get a scholarship to travel out of this state because im so sick of this place. I need to live work and think om a larger scale of soceity. 

change the beginning

Ive been so deep in depression because of my past socail inequality I will not let my future fall into the same pit hole. This is my one life my one future and nothing is going to bring me down. Once I have the abcs in place I will able able to use them to build my empire. Change is a very scary thing and I will have to just overcome all the changelles of life.  There will be no more anomies in my life. If I come across any of them I need to steer away from them or hire a lawyer. I have become a comformist of my structural strain which will allow my changes to occur. I just have to find my socail class in the real life;whenever wherever that may lead. 

socail functionalism

    First off I like to start by I'm not very good at expressioning my words vocaily. I'm better at taking time to think and write down my words when communicating with others. Then later I can communicate verbally without issues.  I've had a meeting with two of my teachers recently Seth and I call him that because he's a funny easy going type of guy everyone likes him; and then there's Mr.P or should I call him Prof.P? I dunno, but he's the real Mr. M if you get what I mean by saying mean. He thinks I'm not listening to him he just wants to make everything hard on me. I will not fear him I already know I'm good at capturing content with a video camera I just need to spend more time learning isadora and how to project content. He is allowing me to ulitize tools there's qlabs and a hippo. Mr.P uses a learning style that is open to obtaining information not from one source, but many sources which is what I love about the Mr.M. Although at the meeting he's telling me that I'm not getting it but honestly he is teaching me how to be well rounded kind of like the jack of all trades. He's very smart, but I don't know why he hates me so much. Now as for Mr. Funny man Seth he's telling me there's no structure rubric to tech troublingshooting. Which clearly shows because I shouldn't be able to jump from basic to troubleshooting without laying down the fundamentals of structure. He doesn't trust me and I don't trust him we are on the same page. I feel like I've been doing alot more of socail structures which is apart of my degree program and I'm still working on this. I've been very ill lately with my heels, leg, and hands have been broke out for two months and I'm starting to improve and am ready to make a change. I felt like these things was holding me back in life like he was helping me by giving me a break from actually doing but it's not that at all. He's telling me its an structural issue as to why he hasn't put me on the grand ma board, or qlabs, etc. Then he says to me thats its not that that it is "me". Then Mr.P says I should just goto another place where I can learn with more tools and resources etc. and to just get an general education degree here. I don't really agree with this. I feel like I need to get the basics of entertainment tech here so I can branch off like I keep telling them. I need to travel aboard and also get into a disney studio at some point in life. I do have a blueprint or plan in my life that I am putting into play I just gotta get the basics to have the confientence to surpass this setting in life. I've been feeling alot of personal as well as socail inequality in real life and school life that makes me feel discriminated against, but I will follow this structure of the degree program until I can make a change that will allow me to earn trust and improvement. Also, if later that course doesn't allow me to  do the things I know I should be accessing such as the theather boards then I have my answer. Apparently, I have a long road ahead of me. Which someday I'll be on when I get there. For now I can just hope that I can get the tools and resources I need to do the things I require for all structure to continue. I'm going to do everything asked of me and try my best whether you like it or not. I willnot let anyone tell me that I can't do this or that I will always find one way or another to improve myself image in a positive global scale someday. I will take the basics of the things I learned here and leave with them this is my beginning my "beginners mind". Life is like legos and I'm building blocks the basics of life to acheieve value and ones' self worth. My journey now begins...  

Christina Nyaburi

when im down

I sit at home depressed alone in the room year after year I've never had a role to play how am I supposed to get experience? I just wait for acceptance and someone to tell me how to behave. I just do whatever the social groups expect of me whatever it takes to fit in without really being myself because I've never had the opportunity to be me or play a role other than me I dunno know how to start. I feel like there's no plan, structure, or script planned for me in life. I'm an outsider looking in, but all I can do is trespass because I'm not invited to join.  All I know is people hurt and they are temporary. That you cannot count on anyone to be social at all nothing but this goddamn piece of paper and I can't do this anymore.

Who am i?

  Who am i? well if you ask lets see, I'm the quiet one who hides how I truly feel about anything from everyone. I guess that makes me human I have emotions. I am broken always saying there's something wrong with me. I cry everyday alone in my room. I could give you more then 13 reasons why, but I'm only listing a few. I ask myself why I don't succed at life why I dont have friends, job, and a husband who's fault is that? Why do I live in silence because I was never on the list there was never a plan for me I still just continue to wait for life to begin. I just sit back watch other people live their lives how they all are younger then me and get choosen to get jobs in the things im supposed to be doing but im always not on the list or at the end of the line. I feel like I haven't grown into my own age. Its never my time noone will support or guide me in the right direction. Soon my time will expire and it wont be my own hands. This is not a suicide letter. This is how I truly feel about what I see occuring im my life for real social inequality. I always feel like the bug im the system because my social circle just isnt there. I feel like my status never changes throughout the years, but my role always changes. I see myself as the pleaser always just tell everyone "i guess" or "yes" to everything even if I'm not happy with it. I envy theather life because I always see people connected working together as teams accomplishing tasks all the things I don't get at home. It's very hard for me to get help to do chores or fix things at home I have to do it all by myself it stresses me out. I feel like being an individual in life is nothing but stress, but if I could just be in a family I would received helping hands less stress and save alot of time for me this is only a dream. I always wondered what it would be like to have a shopping buddy or have a friend to braid my hair. I might of been angry because I felt I wasnt learning what im supposed to but maybe its not my time maybe i have to be patient and something better will be planned for me later. All i know is I have to believe in hope and stop getting mad about what im not learning. I also found that I need to keep writing and thinking and speak out my concerns to the apporite person and not to run scared turn into the dark and cry about it overcome my fears even if they make me angry or cry. I've also found if I don't get the right reaction that it might be a rejection because of the persons mood or soceity doesnt have the resources for change so I must have a clear mind to find the correct answers for the path ahead. I also need to learn be more thankful and grateful for things in life because I'm realizing I suffered so many years of abuse from family life at home and the system it's not an easy task but I do want that. I want to be a better person. Change is needed more smiles, hugs, acts and words of kindness is what is required. Now I just need to figure how how to fix my health physically I'm still struggling it seems like all my doctors care about is getting paid, but not fixing the issues I'm now facing.