does it make it normal?

To want to feel natural about feeling anything at all. Like the seed that blooms into a beauitful flower. We all grow into something. The chemicals in my brain have only shown me that I can feel alive it's like holding hands for the first time. My written words to you are the hug I never received. The truth within that made me feel human. This is the smile I received the kiss the I never felt before. The light that outshine the darkness and made everything okay. It wasn't always butterflies and rainbows. I'm just happy be to me alive. Even if it drives me crazy and I have to create an imaginary world than that's where I'll exist. 

myself with myself

Ive accepted myself for who I am. I am still lost and broken when it comes to receiving your kindness. I haven't found it. I get terrified at the thought of it, but its all I ever wanted or needed. I will not beg for it. I will let it find me and I will know when its time. If not than I will have accepted it for what it is and not let it take me into a dark place. I will have faith in god that change will happen and when it does it will be full of all the beauty I've lived without for so long. Im not going to let my hunger for anything overcome my need for happiness. Not even an army of people can tell me its me and there's something wrong with me because I can feel and see the truth to all things. Even if its leaves me in silence alone in the dark for many years I still carry on. I have always and still believe in myself because it has never failed me never left me alone. I am alone but at least I know who I am. I know I don't have to change for anyone and I will be accepted for what I am. If not like I said before I've grown comfortable with the silence and emptiness. I never let it consume me. Even when I've lost all humanity in the end I still have myself. I will not go insane no matter how far off the edge you push me. 

thoughts

Everyone makes their own way

Everybody Leaves leads their own way

Draws a blueprint and rewrites a new story

Overcomes fear pain sadness

Embraces hope happiness change

Steps outside of oneself to see more of destiny

Believe in something find an equilibrium 

Take the time to find the inner beauty

Take a chance use you imagination and bring forth a new reality

The power to rise is in everything everyone 

Hate love encounters soical ties coming undone

Motivation poured out of an empty soul

Embrace the clouds and shine out with the new

Pink purple white casting out the dark 

A new tone to set the way

december 2019

Lately, I had to overcome the fear of being around people "classmates" dropping all envious jealously. I'm still left with the feeling of I didnt get enough support with education. It's like I was stripped away from getting the help I needed to become better at the tasks at hand. Some of the problems came from my health at the time and some from playing the waiting game. I wanted so bad to follow the deadlines and rules that this waiting game destroyed me. I stopped working and tired to put all my engery into school and my health and it only made me feel like dying. I don't even know what to register for this upcoming semester because of the rejection. All I know is I need to learn something where time is actually spent helping me learn and getting the feeling of be appericated for my efforts. I don't or no I can't live with the feeling of being broken no more. I also need more physical activity in my life. I got approved to for a summer program that made me feel good like things are finally starting to look up for me. Now the only problem is where do I go from here with my major because the entertainment has broken my damn heart and I'm not sure what to do. The conusler told me to try the program at a different school but this is my hometown and it would cost me even more to drive someplace else even if its the next county over. Im not ready to leave. Also, I'm having problems with my son he's only taking two classes and he's failing and not trying to reach out for help. I'm very disappointed in him and I'm not going to stress myself with his failures. I'm too busy trying to fix myself. I told him what to do he just has to do it for himself. After finals I'm have to meet with an advisor yet again. I also need to get back to reading my books because I haven't been doing that lately or sleeping peacefully. I still find time to play video games, cry, and think about life. I'm still not happy. I pretend to be normal but I'm not. I just want to fit in with the world. I'm going to church on sundays. I'm still having a hardtime with my family other then my son. I'm sick of them talking about how they receive checks and what they are doing with their money and I should get a job. Im so sick of hearing it and they don't even have to work for it. It makes me sick. I just want to stay away from my family because it doesn't make me feel good at all. Im so sick and tired if always having to listen to what everyone else says but im not allowed to speak because no one wants to hear it. It leaves me so alone and broken inside and here come the tears again. Silence is better but that even drives me crazy. I just want to feel normal. Oh and I dont even want to celebrate the holiday and I'm normally a giving and caring person but I'm sick of feeling like a pack of dollar store socks is too expessive for you, so this year I'm not gifting. I'm focus on my life and to hell with my extended family. 

im dying

No one will help me find something good to say. Lately ive been trying to fix all the stuff in my life thats broken but instead im still being told to leave im a failure and top of all that im still sick and its only getting worse. Why wont anyone help me? Why does everything have to be drama in my life why cant i find the hope anymore? Why am i so broken ? Someone plea see e help me it hurts so much i cant take it no more. Now it appears i have to drop out of school because just one teacher is saying im not going to succeed in the program. And Now i have nothing to live for. And im still sick my underarm pit is very swore and im not even able to deal with it proplery. If i goto a hostipal i wont get proper treatment because ive done that alot throughout the years. I just need to find one place to go to for treatment not all different outpatient places. Im stuck because it seems like no matter what place i goto they all will just do the samething and just cut into me. I dont want this no more. I dont wanna live like this no more. I cant stop crying. My head hurts now. And no one cares about anything that im going through. No one wants to help me get better. 

today

Ryan is driving to school with my car by himself congrats. I wish he get a job and get his own car. I'm mad he refroze the duck I had out to make dinner with. I don't know why he never asks me anything. He never understands whats going on or what im doing. I had to run this damn duck under water and wait out several hours now I can finally cook it. 

what is a social life

What is a soical life like for me. I don't really remember growing up. I had both a mom and dad who hate black people. I was shun from everything but it wasnt their fault the society I grew up in was blacks was the minority it wasn't the norm to be a white girl. I blame money and the architect who builded the envirnoments we live in. My mom worked for an aunt who gave us money to live in a better envirnoment. I'm mad because my mom recieves money from her still after death because insurance. Yet I don't all I am told is I must get a job to make money. Most of my family gets a check to do nothing each month. Why cant I be like them no approval for me. Since I was young and a single mother all I had was state funds and school. I was able to receive foodstamps and medical, but lost at any type of soical group or life or even the choice to choose my own enthicy. They wouldn't even provide tca they told me I had to work like a slave while having a child that I can only get child support and no tca. I lived off of public housing in a small apartment for most of my life. My son never really gained friends from school neither did I. I felt like I'm soically mute. I always dreamed of what it would be like to have friends. All I ever had was a family tons of cousins who would hang out with me every weekend, nut now I don't see them no more. I feel like they all moved on with their own life. Even their children are having children now. They grew up while I'm still the student. Now when in school I am the oldest person there who doesn't have a soical circle of friends or even had any type of employment. All I do is let the clock tick by and I feel like I'm dying. I have community medical which leaves me in pain. I feel like no one cares if I live or die. I have so many scars the only people I get to have interaction with is school, playstation, and doctors. Everytime I get to see a new doctor I get new scars. Cutting me open for tests, but none ever help me get better. Also they wont even give me an income for this. I took a forum to two of my doctors to try to get them to fill it out and none of them would, but yet they wont see me unless they get paid. I'm upset because not only do I not receive money but I also have more then scars now. I have a skin infection on my leg feet and hands and was it worst I break out with abcesses in my grion and my umderarms, so there goes my sex life. Maybe I desverse this because long time ago I let some guy kill my child. Its my fault too I had an abortion only because I am poor single mom and I hate being alone. I still feel like I dont know how to have a guy friend without having to have sex. Now I can't even have sex because I keep breaking out with stuff. I feel like I'm closer to death. I always get scared around guys I don't know how to behave. My son grew up without a father figure so I tried to be both. I even went to boyscouts with him and I was the only female there. I'm not gay just broken. At school I get so upset and jealous because I'm so old and everyone is so young. I see them connecting, hugging, talking and gaining training for careers. All I get is my teachers telling me there's something wrong with me and that I'm not picked for this because of me?  I guess I'll just keep going to school for another ten years until someone finally chooses to help me. It's the only option I have. I feel like dying but I won't hurt myself although I do cry alot. Why because I feel left out of society. Im still waiting at the starting line waiting for my beginning. Some say time heals all wounds but not this time for me it just gets worst. When my two teachers talked to me instead of having hope for a future they broke me and I dont know how to come back to feeling hopeful. Now I'm getting bad grades in school and I wasn't before when my hands was clean. Ever since im not able to use them like I used to I'm broken. This virus wouldn't have happened if I didnt work hard in my own yard. I wish I would have been more like my rich neighbors and just have a company come out and do the yardwork. As for grubhub I dont even feel like sitting in a parking lot waiting an hour for an app to ring to get working. Plus it drains my battery life and the gps messes up where I really need to be at drop offs. I'm just a failure at everything. Im tired of trying to fit in or do whatever I'm done. My son used to work but then quit he never helps pay bills. I wish he would find a new job but he wont. He says he will fail at school if he works he cant do both. The only reason he had a job was because the last year in highschool they let you off school to work.  Im not sure why he wanted to go to college but im glad he does. I just wish he would have left home for it so he can become independent, but he wont do that either. I refuse to give him any money hoping he will go out and make it himself. I'm tired of him not helping paying the bills. I guess this story will never change. Even when I do work for free I'd rather do that and be active instead of at home alone in my pain and suffering. I don't wanna sick anymore. The only real soical life I've ever had are the lyrics in the songs I listen to. Being mute makes me insane. How am I supposed to improve my situation? I thought I was doing everything on my end that I could do to make it better but now im not sure if it'll ever be good enough. So looks like I didn't make it to disney plus how old can you be to do an starting level position at 12 dollar an hour. What is that like ? I dunno I'm feeling like I'm not changing with my age or the wages of the world. Like I'm discriminated against. Also my psn friends tell me ill never be able to meet a man and have kids at my age like theres no hope for me. I feel like the only future for me is to quit, but i wont I'll just to be kicked out or locked up. I just wish I could be happy with a smile on my face like these young students who get those 12 dollar jobs. All I know is envy and jealous which willl make me a terrible person. Also ill never get that bulit in swimming pool not like I have enough help or health to maintain it. So no upgrades here. No contactors no blueprints just. Kill your dreams you poor sick zombie get off here. 

no choices given

Why even continue to breathe its a struggle to still alive I try to keep myself healthy active etc but theres only those evil forces around let not giving me an chance to live I dont get to choice anything im always forced to do whatever. My kid makes all my fish in the oven without asking knowing that we are running out of food I refuse to buy him anything hes lazy wont even make or eat I wish he fucking die I hate him. When it runsout he'll just have to starve im done with this shit. My family always hurts me doesnt let me be myself or make my own choices. Just take take take from me. How can he be so dirty by choice and not have the sickness I have? He chooses to be overweight and dirty and yet he doesnt have the skin swores I have its not fair I wish anyone else had this not me I didnt choose this. Also im so sick of this house I want out but I wont im always waiting to heal and all I do is wait it never gets better. Why wont you just kill me because im tired of the suffering.

group n grades

Well I feel terrible and I'm not even sure who to blame anymore. I tried texting my school group leader all weekend trying to get started on doing this project and of course everyone is too busy for it. He even told me hes sorry. Why am I the only person in the world who has time but no access to the tools or learning I require. So here am again again crying at home writing this stuff again. I wrote my teacher a letter today. I even tired to get a key to open the door but the cage wasnt open. So I dunno I guess I just have to wait. There's nothing else that I can do now. 

for change

       Where to begin? I feel like I need a new beginning. I've spent so much time just watching people come and go just like the buildings and businesses of the town they always do the same here oneday gone the next. It's like no matter how hard I try I'm just stuck here alone without much change at all. It's an endless cycle. For the most part of my life I was a single mother who didn't fit into the world. I didn't have any hope for any other future until my son got older and the economy I reside in started changing. I still feel like an outsider or a watcher when it comes to my socail life. I've never been part of any type of any socail group besides the crowd. Even at school when in classes I still feel like the watcher because there's never a chance for me to speak or be spoken to. Then I got this virus and everything just went even futher downhill because now instead of being the muted watcher I'm the bug in the system. For several months I had to keep trying to mend a normal student life while being ill. It was not easy; I'm getting better now. I used to work for uber in 2018 which helped me get out of the house and open up to the socail interactions of people. That's when I discovered that not everyplace is abusive and ugly. Before uber It was hard for me to get anytype of employment because people would always tell me, "no" or "I'm sorry." Because my child was an liability, I didn't have the right experience, or background to back me up. I got fired from uber without a statement of what really happened all they sent me was an email saying to read their community guidelines. Also, I was having problems with the time distance and payments not being fair. They once frozen my account because they had me mixed up with someone else, but I've read my profile comments and seen my stars people really did like me. I feel like I could have done more but something didn't want me to. Then I got online and applied for grubhub and it keeps me local which is better on my car and gas, but now I'm having trouble with it killing my phones battery too fast and then I can't be productive. I also have been attending school and I tried getting a job in a different direction in life, but it's not easy. My teacher gave me some places to try so I did I went to volunteer for resume credit at an center for arts theather. Then a paid  day at what they call change over at tobys restaurant. Then I got sick and couldn't receive anything for 3 months. Then I applied for disability and its just another waiting game. There's so many many years with zeros on my report that I'll never get anything when it comes to retirement. I'm feeling like a loser because there's too many zeros and time isn't money in my life it's just I'm running out of time. I'm getting older closer to the age of retirement and yet I still havent been accepted into the real working class world. I feel like I tried every resource out there churches, school, government, etc. and I'm still unable to fit in to the world of money. I refuse to just sit at home and let my slience consume me. I've been going crazy. I just want to feel valued and appericate like I am part of the economy, but not just this I want to feel vauled by others because I'm also socially deprived. I spent just about everyday crying alone in my room because of this and no one knows because I can't take this feeling with me outside. I have to be strong infront of others. All I know is that I need to get out of here and make a change for good and I'm not sure how yet. I'm still searching for hope, love, and faith in life. I also need to get out of the same place and try new experiences and adventures at other places to see if I can find a sense of belonging or a new beginning someplace else. I'm just so sick and tired of repeating the same cycle of worthlessness and shame. I am ready to letgo of all my regret, pain, and troubles and find something new. 

time

Time and place nothing ever moves forward I feel frozen like im on a oneway track that constally continues im one direction never changing im feel critically challenged im drowning deeper into the ground without you I cant get back to what I used to be my socail class is all dead now I need to get out here there's no socail circle for it they call it a crowd  

invisibly of poverty

This injustice shouldn't be allowed to exist with all the non profits and acenices there are all over the world. I have no socail security and im still waiting on a status change will I get it or not? Looks like im need a lawyer so I applied  for welfare and well they are telling me in order to recieve cash for my basic cash flow of survial that you can only get it from having a child under 18 years of age. So the socail worker gave me a medical form to fill out by an doctor. The dermotogilst said he wouldnt fill it out ask my primary doctor to do it. My primary doctor says she won't do as well. So im sitting here in the school parking lot trying to get my grub hub app to make me not enough money for living expenses. I still have swores all over me but I still continue to try my best to stay active. I just sick of not having any support system that works. Im falling back into my depression once again. But yet my damn doctor gets paid everytime I visit them or they wont see me. Same issues with school no one sees anyone without a payment. No one I dont see anyone in the whole wide world im so fucking angry. So whatever statics are out there about economic incomes are all fucking lies because where I'm from it says howard county gets 100k per year and I dont get that not even close. Something needs to change. I am the invisibly poverty. Alone in the darkness kept on mute for far too long. No one cares if I live or die. I feel like I dont even get it from my family. Ive learned to only trust no one but myself because no one else in life will help you acheive any amount of income so why so I even keep going to the doctors? And who pays for the humira shots take they keep sending me? Are they even helping me or killing me? Also whats going to happen with my sons future? He's 19 years old now. Will he be able to make his own or will he fall into the same endless cycle as me. I hope he doesn't inhert the same problems I have. He doesn't have the physical attritubes I have which is good. He has same socail problems but he doesn't have to pay bills living at home with mommy. I wish he was more independent. So he doesnt fall islocated frozen in the same time period. Why am I not localized or globalized all I do is waste time trying to climb a mountain that has no resources provided to get me to the top. This phone still hasnt gone off i guess no one wants their food delivered. I need to find another outlet. I know I can count school out because they say im the problem that I don't show that I am ready. I guess not when no one has structurally involed me to move on from this. I am worthless to my local self and to the world as a whole. All I can do now is hope that I get a scholarship to travel out of this state because im so sick of this place. I need to live work and think om a larger scale of soceity. 

change the beginning

Ive been so deep in depression because of my past socail inequality I will not let my future fall into the same pit hole. This is my one life my one future and nothing is going to bring me down. Once I have the abcs in place I will able able to use them to build my empire. Change is a very scary thing and I will have to just overcome all the changelles of life.  There will be no more anomies in my life. If I come across any of them I need to steer away from them or hire a lawyer. I have become a comformist of my structural strain which will allow my changes to occur. I just have to find my socail class in the real life;whenever wherever that may lead. 

socail functionalism

    First off I like to start by I'm not very good at expressioning my words vocaily. I'm better at taking time to think and write down my words when communicating with others. Then later I can communicate verbally without issues.  I've had a meeting with two of my teachers recently Seth and I call him that because he's a funny easy going type of guy everyone likes him; and then there's Mr.P or should I call him Prof.P? I dunno, but he's the real Mr. M if you get what I mean by saying mean. He thinks I'm not listening to him he just wants to make everything hard on me. I will not fear him I already know I'm good at capturing content with a video camera I just need to spend more time learning isadora and how to project content. He is allowing me to ulitize tools there's qlabs and a hippo. Mr.P uses a learning style that is open to obtaining information not from one source, but many sources which is what I love about the Mr.M. Although at the meeting he's telling me that I'm not getting it but honestly he is teaching me how to be well rounded kind of like the jack of all trades. He's very smart, but I don't know why he hates me so much. Now as for Mr. Funny man Seth he's telling me there's no structure rubric to tech troublingshooting. Which clearly shows because I shouldn't be able to jump from basic to troubleshooting without laying down the fundamentals of structure. He doesn't trust me and I don't trust him we are on the same page. I feel like I've been doing alot more of socail structures which is apart of my degree program and I'm still working on this. I've been very ill lately with my heels, leg, and hands have been broke out for two months and I'm starting to improve and am ready to make a change. I felt like these things was holding me back in life like he was helping me by giving me a break from actually doing but it's not that at all. He's telling me its an structural issue as to why he hasn't put me on the grand ma board, or qlabs, etc. Then he says to me thats its not that that it is "me". Then Mr.P says I should just goto another place where I can learn with more tools and resources etc. and to just get an general education degree here. I don't really agree with this. I feel like I need to get the basics of entertainment tech here so I can branch off like I keep telling them. I need to travel aboard and also get into a disney studio at some point in life. I do have a blueprint or plan in my life that I am putting into play I just gotta get the basics to have the confientence to surpass this setting in life. I've been feeling alot of personal as well as socail inequality in real life and school life that makes me feel discriminated against, but I will follow this structure of the degree program until I can make a change that will allow me to earn trust and improvement. Also, if later that course doesn't allow me to  do the things I know I should be accessing such as the theather boards then I have my answer. Apparently, I have a long road ahead of me. Which someday I'll be on when I get there. For now I can just hope that I can get the tools and resources I need to do the things I require for all structure to continue. I'm going to do everything asked of me and try my best whether you like it or not. I willnot let anyone tell me that I can't do this or that I will always find one way or another to improve myself image in a positive global scale someday. I will take the basics of the things I learned here and leave with them this is my beginning my "beginners mind". Life is like legos and I'm building blocks the basics of life to acheieve value and ones' self worth. My journey now begins...  

Christina Nyaburi

when im down

I sit at home depressed alone in the room year after year I've never had a role to play how am I supposed to get experience? I just wait for acceptance and someone to tell me how to behave. I just do whatever the social groups expect of me whatever it takes to fit in without really being myself because I've never had the opportunity to be me or play a role other than me I dunno know how to start. I feel like there's no plan, structure, or script planned for me in life. I'm an outsider looking in, but all I can do is trespass because I'm not invited to join.  All I know is people hurt and they are temporary. That you cannot count on anyone to be social at all nothing but this goddamn piece of paper and I can't do this anymore.

Who am i?

  Who am i? well if you ask lets see, I'm the quiet one who hides how I truly feel about anything from everyone. I guess that makes me human I have emotions. I am broken always saying there's something wrong with me. I cry everyday alone in my room. I could give you more then 13 reasons why, but I'm only listing a few. I ask myself why I don't succed at life why I dont have friends, job, and a husband who's fault is that? Why do I live in silence because I was never on the list there was never a plan for me I still just continue to wait for life to begin. I just sit back watch other people live their lives how they all are younger then me and get choosen to get jobs in the things im supposed to be doing but im always not on the list or at the end of the line. I feel like I haven't grown into my own age. Its never my time noone will support or guide me in the right direction. Soon my time will expire and it wont be my own hands. This is not a suicide letter. This is how I truly feel about what I see occuring im my life for real social inequality. I always feel like the bug im the system because my social circle just isnt there. I feel like my status never changes throughout the years, but my role always changes. I see myself as the pleaser always just tell everyone "i guess" or "yes" to everything even if I'm not happy with it. I envy theather life because I always see people connected working together as teams accomplishing tasks all the things I don't get at home. It's very hard for me to get help to do chores or fix things at home I have to do it all by myself it stresses me out. I feel like being an individual in life is nothing but stress, but if I could just be in a family I would received helping hands less stress and save alot of time for me this is only a dream. I always wondered what it would be like to have a shopping buddy or have a friend to braid my hair. I might of been angry because I felt I wasnt learning what im supposed to but maybe its not my time maybe i have to be patient and something better will be planned for me later. All i know is I have to believe in hope and stop getting mad about what im not learning. I also found that I need to keep writing and thinking and speak out my concerns to the apporite person and not to run scared turn into the dark and cry about it overcome my fears even if they make me angry or cry. I've also found if I don't get the right reaction that it might be a rejection because of the persons mood or soceity doesnt have the resources for change so I must have a clear mind to find the correct answers for the path ahead. I also need to learn be more thankful and grateful for things in life because I'm realizing I suffered so many years of abuse from family life at home and the system it's not an easy task but I do want that. I want to be a better person. Change is needed more smiles, hugs, acts and words of kindness is what is required. Now I just need to figure how how to fix my health physically I'm still struggling it seems like all my doctors care about is getting paid, but not fixing the issues I'm now facing.

Just sitting here

Why is it that all i ever do is write why arent i living? Wheres my life headed i cant keep turning these damn pages i dont wanna read or write your story when will i live mines? I still feel frozen broken outcasted like im sitting at the starting line but i cant move like no one else is playing the game with you so you can never start so how the hell do i make chapter one? And now im sick with this damn die diesese its holding back from the beginning of my story. It started with silience and and a wall less prision with the sickness why couldnt you change? Why couldnt you leave? I see without you im dying alone i cant live like this. Theres no memory of what was or will be because you chose to sit in the house alone with the sickness. Still not sure where to even go with this even if i leave while being sick theres still nowhere to go unless i go back to the past and see the family i havent seen over a year everyone has changed but i feel like i havent time has not been good for me but them it has and i guess thats why i don't wanna visit them they are okay and im not. And i know its not good to keep hanging around the broken and sick like me family. How the hell am i supposed to change? I cant go back or foward in life im just stuck here with the damn text again over and over again never ending. I was okay alone it was where at the problem is that. I need to start an story to do so i need to leave explore a new place to move to so i can start a new story. My photo album that i got from the ocean i never placed any pictures in it that what i need to do. So if i ever get better health there i go waiting again im going to fill that damn album.

Whats missing

Noise i cant hear anything its so silent communication a plan or schedule a sense of belonging a friend a building structures envirnoment landscape why is everything broken i could have built these things but i couldnt do it alone and so i gave up and still i listen to your damn noise everyday and its not helping me at all it does make me feel like im closer to humans but i dont belong to them im still stuck here the devilsplayground i cant pick up the pieces

Without

A taste of pineapple orange juice a cool breeze a text message from you and a sailboat just before sunrise a holding hands stringing up the poles a ripple in the waves a bite of an egg sandwhich because its breakfast you know catch whatever is out there for later hops off the edge and swims with fishes splish splash throws you in a net im now done with this tuna walks around not sure what to do other then feel the heat wave crash down maybe hop on a jetski and eat some salt then afterwards have a shower then walk around somemore listen to some music and meet new people this is a beautiful day in this big bright blue world when the sun sets we sit in the sand then go for food and bar drinks all this is without pain and stress thank you

Awlful im depressed again

This pain is the worst feeling in the world its just as bad as my past something is dying i side me again but this time its my skin crawling outta control both hurt too much all i do is cry and cry i dontknow how im going to fix this everything itches my level of pain has increased too much today its like commenting murder i dont wanna feel like this way please help me my hands are on fire and the virus is spreading all over no one will save me god please help me i never wanna feel like this again i just want to live why must you constantly leave me here in pain and suffering why can't i break out of this let me live please i beg you please  it hurts so much what's wrong with me how can i be okay? Its been over a month and still i havent changed only for the worst what do i need to get better? Im so broken in so many ways it just keeps stacking pain with more pain over time is just makes me even more ill i dont know how to recover i dont even feel like i have a soul i can trade no more i dunno what to offer or scarfrice to you but please help me put an end to this hell

Take it away

I cant live with this pain and suffering no more id rather be mental the physical crawling in my skin eatting me alive is killing everything ita not changing for the good where is the hope for better clear days im breaking down how will i find the light again how will i be able to breathe life again i cant change this for good it just keeps killing me a little more each and everyday without improvement i keep praying begging please let me get back to feeling like a normal person let the pain come to an end let me feel the sunshine once again let me glow again id so anything to get back to what i once was please dont let me die like this i cant feel anything but pain when will it end show me how to change it give me a reason to be here today and tomorrow don't leave me here to die on my own let me outta this prison please help me please

The question is

How will i learn how to adjust to a neverchanging life? how will i end the pain when will i get better so i can get out of here will it ever end? But how i end the sickness for good? I think thats where the problem is this keeps me indoors stuck for too long i need to break free im not sure if i can adjust to this hell and learn to keep with the sadness even if its been here all the time how will i not go insane?

Falling apart

Never thought it would come to this your turning me into the disaster i didnt need im crying in the silence everyday the only emotion i can feel is pain and suffering i cant see the light its too dark here ghosts would he better then this endless wanting waiting for communication ive enflicked pain with more pain because i can't dig myself out of this hole i wanna sleep but i have short rest and nightmares im sick so sick of trying to cope on my own i dont wanna end it all but you make me so angry because thats all you can give me why does this never change it happens all the time its like no matter where i turn i cant fit into its outcasting me or giving me just a small taste before it yanks away without reason no goodbyes ive grown so tired so envious and bitter when the voices tell me i have to go and it's just the beginning it doesnt matter what i do who i am where i go in the end im still frozen over nothing will melt this not even with time im just the living dead im still traped in this textbox suffocating becoming more mute by the minute why cant i escape it why cant i feel happy why am i falling apart why do i have to rely on the acceptance of others with like minded attitude and why am i so slow and left behind still waiting seeking but not finding any hope just another way to suffer is it me am i doing something wrong tell me what i can do to make this right

Ost

Mode death life crooked
What the hell i dunno what happened
Anybow my hands hurt so much
I cant get out bed it sucks i got me some orange shock top and cant find my dairy i forget where i put it i feel like a dirtball im sick of eatting fruit
Im sick of being sick i can't see in the darkness where the light its so quiet again it never ends i can only hear the text and the sounds of where the other animals go oh i dunno if i can get outta here trapped inside this box feels like im pulling at glue i cant undo that is a creepy movie when you stab the box the people inside could see the walls bleed stuck unable to breathe release go cut yourself out when how where who what the helll i cant find it ok sick of this is  wut before thats the worst feeling in the world disconnected void longing endless hell is a frozen frame and the secondhand doesn't move no more i miss the sunshine the warm the false feeling of what is real and what's not im going to have to do something else this isnt working for me

Haunted by ghost

Why do you haunt me why cant you just leave me alone wait no i am alone and the feeling attached is like a hole in my chest but why am i scared why do i like to suffer in the darkness maybe because the only feeling ive ever felt is emptiness and pain im scared to change why do i stay frozen in time with the memory of you when i know you wont change your gone forever and yet i still feel mixed singals of love and hate i just wanna delete you why cant i just start over again theres something wrong with me i cant do this

Sad when i wish death on my family

Not only do i have to slave work on my own home but then i gotta do work at my mothers house and she will pay me what one or two hundred and she gets like over 3thousand a month since my aunt died and i have to goto work for money which is less then minimum wage  grub hub junk i just wish she die i like when my family members die i get a check and im sick of goingto welfare every two months when its supposed to be once ayear and they want me to work 20 hrs a week just to have food stamps only or ill just fucking starve too bad my pussy is so fucked up i cant even stand on the corner because im sick very 😠

July2,2019

I had to throw a comma in there cause well it didnt look like that right date so yeah it is now. What to talk about 😲 omg thats cool so umm had a great time at ac not air conditioning ac as in atlantic city. Spent the week there drinking smoking so much freedom no one to tell you no you cant do this that just live your fucking life right. You know it made me happy because the warped tour was there and theres was tons of people and well without that id go crazy everyone was really nice to me they made me feel not alone. I just wish i could feel even closer to something to really connect with life and everything. I had fun at the boardwalk resturants swimming casinos the only part of the week that was boring was swimming alone until after like an hour ryan finally gave up on not getting in the water and got in with me. And im sad now because im back at home where life isnt what i ..doesnt make me happy.. But ill be leaving again soon so ive just been cleaning and watching netflix black mirror which was umm not sure how to explain those things that keep happening to me. Anyhow enough of those damn signs. Im watch a bit more tv and start doing other things.