it never ends ongoing

I feel so broken 💔. With each passing day knowing that I'll never truly get to live the life that I hoped and dreamed of. Will it hold me prisoner forever? I'm stuck in this misery it's follows me wherever I go. I am an empty shell. I wish I had a story to tell. I wish I could have created longer then moment in time memories. Time has been fading away from me soon it will be too late. I will carry this hallow void inside me if until I die. I couldn't find a single soul who cared not one. Sometimes I just wanna waste away in the darkness. Why haven't you showed me how to bliss in the light? Where should I go what should I do? Will I remain this unworthy forever? I just wanted to make a new beginning find hope, love, and peace. I couldn't even have the pleasure of a simple object in life such as a simple kiss. Maybe I'm a demon and I'm being possessed. It hurts so much to know that you'll never be under my spell. I'm so tired of only having one emotion tears for years. How am I to fix this? It's gets so quiet so fast and it feels like it will never end. Where can I go what can I do? Maybe I have no soul maybe my only future I have to look forward to is a box 6 ft. deep. No blood, no pulse, no skin, no bones. What if there's no afterlife and I never get to heaven not awhile I'm awake or even after? What did I leave behind after I'm gone? A fatherless unloved child who is now an adult. It wasn't the dream in my head. I thought there be some white light that would save me. Now I just waste away without any hope for tomorrow no legacy to leave behind me. Someday my time will run out and I lived knowing that I was unloved in this life. I waited on God the father to save me but he never did. Now I'm supposed to believe there's a way out of that box that's 6ft deep. That God will save me when I'm dead and take me to heaven. If that's what I'm supposed to believe in than I'm doomed. I also thought of start living today and for tomorrow because you have can blessing now while you alive, but I only found myself not living in love, fun, family, friends. It's like a cruel punishment. I'm not good enough for change balance or anything that could possibly save me. It doesn't matter where I go or what I do in this life because your not here. I'll just talk to ghosts. Ghosts are the only friends I ever had. Maybe I should name my ghost? Or better yet maybe I should name my ghost and start talking and recording it and show the world who probably won't care to watch it, but I wonder how messed up people would see I really am. Or maybe I'll just sit here and type until I die. That sounds more like me. I'll just be empty endless words on paper. The text of my life. My only friend myself. Even if I reread myself why am always remaining broken? How come I never write anything about being happy? Oh that's right because I haven't experienced that yet and I keep thinking it must be forbidden from me. I can't even share something beautiful. Do you wanna waste away with me? Oh yeah even my demon says nothing. Well it seems I couldn't survive on earth in heaven or hell. I musta been sent to the nothingness empty void. Yep this place is worst then any other. Picture it just image time just passes by as you age older and older more colder and empty. No conversation no connection just the same nothingness everyday. Then one day you stop breathing and everything just becomes dark. Maybe I would have been better off a slave at least then I'd have someway to make memories with humans. You could tell me what to do; what to say; where to go and I'd do anything you requested just like a robot. I don't even think that would make me happy. Why don't I feel human? What is wrong with me? Will I remain this broken forever? I'm loosing all hope on hopes and dreams. I can't seem to find away out of this. It's like I'm walking in quicksand. Someday that dirt will consume me.