it never ends

So today I seen the name of my little girl in my fairytale life, but now I don't like that name. Years ago I planned on naming a girl if I ever had one Alexis and now I find out that's Vincents girlfriend name. I sat here and cried a bit and thought that maybe it was just another sign to tell me of this future. I feel so worthless unloved inexperienced in my real lifetime. All I know is nothing seems to ever change with me. All I know is I live this painful life alone and I will die alone and there's nothing left for me not even in my afterlife. I'm a walking corpse. Still frozen in time that's the only thing I'm sure of that is everlasting. I am awoken to remain broken. Here am I once again just me and my textbox me and my inkpen. I guess I should have known. You waste away your whole life in solitude for years and years you think you find the one and bam you end up in the same pain you never you never changed it all just remains the same. My story never changes. I don't even have a soul so there's no soulmate for me. I am nothing no one a nobody. I never even had the chance. Just another locked door. While everyone is finding happiness here I am again with another tissue to dry the endless tears for years. No one ever sees me. All I can do is pretend just keep pretending that I am okay. So beat me like a punching bag I can take more hits then you ever have. I should be used to it by now. You would think so. There's no hopes and dreams left for me they all been severed. Why do I even keep trying and how the hell am I supposed to move on or change? There's no destiny for me just more bad luck. I'm so sick of it all. It's like I'm not even human. I'm not even sure how to feel anymore. Just rip out all my emotions. Suffer in silence. Why feel anything at all when it's all one-sided? There's no one else like you. No compatibility nothing. Why should I be happy for you when I'm dying inside? How could you even see another? Or even think about anyone else? I never could. I just drown myself in distractions to avoid any kind of happiness at all. Maybe I was born just to be a sadist. Maybe I am the monster maybe I'm just a terrible person who doesn't deserve anything or anyone? Now I feel like I'm going blind or maybe I'm the invisible one. I'll let that hate consume me. Look at the monster you turned me into.