now what..

What is it now? What if I said that I haven't been blessed yet by god. What if I want the longing for something for so long to end. And what happens when it does end and then the longing for it is gone then what kind of world would I be in? Would my death be without longing for the human nature of things? Would this bring me to a heaven or a hell should I even care? What if it's a place where there's no humanities, no communication, just the empty nothing. Maybe I'll become a mute and maybe I'll be okay with it because its a whole new world where nothing is the only thing you need to find peace. Maybe happiness isn't needed maybe there's just something new to experience. Maybe I'll turn into a fish that lives in the water but wants to breathe air? Not literally but aren't I already here. Maybe I'd become something better then what gods free will has given me. Also because of this free will it's always our own faults. Because if that not sure if it's even human can make a plan for humans in heaven why didn't he plan it for them on earth? But then again maybe I just lost my brain again maybe I need a new one. heaven might be a place that is unique to everyone depending on what? their humanity? Or maybe I'm lost would like to go-to hell because that's where everyone else is? So what if I'm not a person no more then what would I be? All I know is that it would change everything. The way I feel and experience everything. To be something else is just another mind game to excape the pressure.