oct 15 2021

I wish I die I'm tired of living in hell. I never change all I do is the same pain over and over again. Was thinking maybe I should just goto work and pass out on the ground, but then I remembered what happened in last time I went to a hospital and jail. I just ended up having no protection no life. I have no rights. The only rights I own are live with a virus and suffer alone. And want to die and live with the guilt of your unborn child this is probably why your suffering it's your payment for being alone and broken. Now God says here live the rest of your life alone with swores. Well still I don't have none to help with communication, physical healthcare, securities, anything that is human. No wonder I've been going through life all this time saying I hate people and humans. I am not human. All I do is what other people tell me to do and I still get the bully. I don't wanna celebrate anything but the dead reminds me of patty never see her anymore see abandoned me. Happy birthday everyone I never see anymore you have a nice life all those years you've done changed had extended your family and moved away. Here I sit still remembering but not able to move past my own daily suffering. I live in a nightmare. I talk to myself everyday and God but mostly we argue and I get mad because God doesn't answer and then I start to say where da fuck is your god now? Then I start to think maybe this whole time it's just another mankind han lie. They all lie for business and money they never cared about you. God doesn't save lives he didn't saveine back in 2008 what makes you think God will save your from this virus now? You've been sick for a long time. Hell you can't even have sex it's been 11 years and all you do is cry everyday and your best friend is a washcloth but you can't seem to get it to wash away your sins. It's never going to change why must I continue to live? I can't even get a hug or anyone to tell me it's going to be ok. I can't even get good insurance or advice or anything. I'm sick in a system that's broken. My 21 year old is proof that living here isn't good look at what he's become. The state doesn't acknowledge him as a person why don't they help him get a work program? Why do they expect my sick self to continue to do everything? I need speech therapy I can't even communicate properly. I want to learn how to speak with power and respect. All the things I'll never get in life. I wish I'd catch covid and die. Then the pain would end. No one is going to miss me when I'm gone. I bet my family will be complaining about how they have to buy me a flower because they are too poor to buy one when I'm dead and gone. Why did y'all teach me about the hardships in life but never taught how to bath in the light of good things? No they made it out of hell and disappeared. It's like I'm a demon now and I feed off the energy of the suffering. The only communication I receive in life now is what the songs about how I'm suffering from the skin I'm in and I wish I had company. Didn't they make these songs for people with aids? I must be living in hell maybe I do have aids and the pieces of papers they give me are a lie. It doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is I have to not sure what's the point of my struggle but I must stay alive to what? Can't find a purpose? Oh to be remembered but no one remembers me while I'm alive why care when I'm dead? I am just an empty hollow shell. All I have is this text from this keyboard this broken voice no one ever listens to. Take everything away frome leave me with no ability. Everyday is hell yesterday they had some music up the road I couldn't even go outside because I had to sit here and use wash cloths and smoke drugs to make my swores bleed. This is my brother, my sister, my husband, my best friend. It's the only thing that has stuck with me all this time and it's the same thing that will kill me. So God thank you for that. hidradenitis suppurativa that's my virus my only friend or family connection I've ever had on a daily some days are better then others. This is my coffee everyday. I don't feel human. This is my life see how happy I am? What is happiness is it the pain I wake up to everyday? I'm tired I want it all to end. I don't want to be here no more. I need to find away to travel to another state and get a physical and see if they treat me any different from this state. Like everyone says insanity is to keep doing the same things over again. I must find some place new to try. Break the pattern.