it's hard to decipher

I'm not sure how to open this door. All I know is I'm always saying to myself or writing I'm still waiting for a beginning. Maybe because I've inherited slow brains everything takes me years and years to find and others it takes them far less time. I dunno what's wrong with me. All I know is I'm missing out on the timeline of you and me. Sharing daily life experiences creating memories etc. I'm still wishing you was here to share them with me. I'd give anything for those things with me. I'm still waiting to have this with you my love. That's why I can't explain it because we haven't yet begun....  Here I sit and watch my age waste away. I'm never getting back the time lost wasted here alone with no experience of anything.