why am I stuck?

No one knows all the pain I'm in no gives a shit about it no matter how hard to try day to day to erase it and pretend that I'm okay I just can't do it. Why do I live this way and what is wrong with me why haven't I been able to change it? I know I deserve this because of what I've done but why can't I just move past this. How can I fix this? I don't want to think about it I just want to forget and move on to feeling happy and not so broken I but everyday remains the same and there's nothing to replace it with. I even tried so many times to pretend everything is okay with me went to church prayed etc. But still I struggle with this feeling everyday. Everyday I cry and look at my life and I don't want to live like this I tell myself I need to change but nothing ever happens. Sometimes I think I'm okay being here alone at least I can't be hurt by the way I might be treated by others but I'm sick of living in fear and sick of being sick. This isn't the story I wanted to tell. The silence remains here daily. The sickness inside my skin won't go away and maybe it's my fault maybe I deserve this. Why did you break me so far down that I'll never know what it's like to feel anything good? How the hell am I supposed to move past this? First you left me alone to be a single mom then you allowed to me to take a life that caused me to be sick then you allowed my cousin to do something he wasn't supposed to. Then you left me here trying to mend all this shit on my own. I can't even speak about it. God why didn't you give me a shield or weapon to protect myself with? Why must I live in silence? And with this sickness? I never received any support for any of this. I can't even talk about it. I still feel like a failure in everything no matter what it is. Time hasn't even healed my wounds physically or mentally. Also when I think of death I think of you being with the other members of my family that are gone and I never had the time to share with you anything I hope that there is another realm where you are loved with them. It's fucked up to think this way but I never had the chance to think or care. I've just always been so broken. I still am broken so is my son he didn't turn out the way I hoped for. I didn't even succeed in this lifetime either. Everyday is a struggle but still I try to move  past all this and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to make things better.