for change

       Where to begin? I feel like I need a new beginning. I've spent so much time just watching people come and go just like the buildings and businesses of the town they always do the same here oneday gone the next. It's like no matter how hard I try I'm just stuck here alone without much change at all. It's an endless cycle. For the most part of my life I was a single mother who didn't fit into the world. I didn't have any hope for any other future until my son got older and the economy I reside in started changing. I still feel like an outsider or a watcher when it comes to my socail life. I've never been part of any type of any socail group besides the crowd. Even at school when in classes I still feel like the watcher because there's never a chance for me to speak or be spoken to. Then I got this virus and everything just went even futher downhill because now instead of being the muted watcher I'm the bug in the system. For several months I had to keep trying to mend a normal student life while being ill. It was not easy; I'm getting better now. I used to work for uber in 2018 which helped me get out of the house and open up to the socail interactions of people. That's when I discovered that not everyplace is abusive and ugly. Before uber It was hard for me to get anytype of employment because people would always tell me, "no" or "I'm sorry." Because my child was an liability, I didn't have the right experience, or background to back me up. I got fired from uber without a statement of what really happened all they sent me was an email saying to read their community guidelines. Also, I was having problems with the time distance and payments not being fair. They once frozen my account because they had me mixed up with someone else, but I've read my profile comments and seen my stars people really did like me. I feel like I could have done more but something didn't want me to. Then I got online and applied for grubhub and it keeps me local which is better on my car and gas, but now I'm having trouble with it killing my phones battery too fast and then I can't be productive. I also have been attending school and I tried getting a job in a different direction in life, but it's not easy. My teacher gave me some places to try so I did I went to volunteer for resume credit at an center for arts theather. Then a paid  day at what they call change over at tobys restaurant. Then I got sick and couldn't receive anything for 3 months. Then I applied for disability and its just another waiting game. There's so many many years with zeros on my report that I'll never get anything when it comes to retirement. I'm feeling like a loser because there's too many zeros and time isn't money in my life it's just I'm running out of time. I'm getting older closer to the age of retirement and yet I still havent been accepted into the real working class world. I feel like I tried every resource out there churches, school, government, etc. and I'm still unable to fit in to the world of money. I refuse to just sit at home and let my slience consume me. I've been going crazy. I just want to feel valued and appericate like I am part of the economy, but not just this I want to feel vauled by others because I'm also socially deprived. I spent just about everyday crying alone in my room because of this and no one knows because I can't take this feeling with me outside. I have to be strong infront of others. All I know is that I need to get out of here and make a change for good and I'm not sure how yet. I'm still searching for hope, love, and faith in life. I also need to get out of the same place and try new experiences and adventures at other places to see if I can find a sense of belonging or a new beginning someplace else. I'm just so sick and tired of repeating the same cycle of worthlessness and shame. I am ready to letgo of all my regret, pain, and troubles and find something new.