what is it?

What is a memory just something that fades away with time. It's never so clear as it once was at the time of it's creation. I was reading this book I just bought recently and I started having flashbacks of another book I've read for school. Why is everything written and structure to everything but my life? Maybe the true God isn't in any textbook. Then I began to think about what is heaven? What will heaven be like is it something that I will dream about or the things I've not yet experienced, but want so much in life that I'll get them when I reach heaven? Will I even make it to heaven because I've let man destory my innoance? God always answer with the same lines encircling in my brain yes you will suffer but you will remain true and follow... Buy still what about the people who already have everything in life what's their version of heaven? Or is heaven just a place you reside and what will you have do once I get there? There's been so many times when I thought to myself I can't wait to enter your kingdom because isn't supposed to be everything good, happiness, full of love, respect, kindness etc.? It's made me not fearless of death because I can't wait until I can find you until you save me. There's been more then most my life when your the only person I can talk to. I have always thought you to be the invisible person, the one to save me when I reach heaven, but is that what heaven really is? I don't think it is or is it? Most people say that heaven is the place you go to see your loved ones again, but I've lived my whole life without loving anyone. That's not heaven to me that's just more islocation and pain and misery. So what is heaven really like? because if all the things I always desired is part of humanity. Then what's in heaven for me? If Ive never felt blessed on earth. What will you have for me in heaven and why do I want that much more then wanting to be here? maybe your answer is your always here now and later, but you only will save later. I don't know so lost. You know there's something wrong with me. I just want to feel equal values and worthiness, acceptance, strength, etc. Your the only one whoever listens to me, but I feel like your just like all the rest at times never there to meet me halfway. Never spoken to. Just an dream or islosion, but in those dreams of heaven for me maynot be what heaven actually is. Maybe because it's your domain and maybe I'll never find any real place to belong. Or maybe you could have plans for me in your kingdom that will allow me to be happy because you know I never was truly happy here on earth. Mankind isn't as heavenly and kind as you are I need someone sinless to save me. Hasn't that all I ever asked for? Tell me what's wrong with me why am I not blessed with love? I'm tired of feeling like I'd do anything and everything just for other humans but they won't do the same for me. Will you fight for me? Will you show me the positive things I live without daily? Will you show me how to be honest open kind loving and caring? Maybe that's heaven? Will I feel like I'm part of something and not just a passive listener? Will you cleanse me of all my sins and make me pure. Will you guide me to the light that's burning inside me and treat me the same as I do you? And there it is again I know I'm living in hell and waiting to reach heaven but I can't do it alone or maybe I can but it's not what I think. Will you help me if my eyes are bleeding from the toxic people that I still don't turn away. Will you make sure I don't loose myself or end up like them. Please don't turn me into that. God please help me be beautiful loving honest unbroken person I was supposed to be. Please help me when I get angry because I feel like I've done all the work by myself unsupported while others just say there and fed off me. Help me find the strength to not be so mean and angry about those acts of support and kindness. The helping hands the teamwork the dreams I've had of feeling equally working together on small to big things from getting people around me to walk in their own shoes and make their own life plans,  including cooking to cleaning, etc. That's all I honestly ever wanted and still want. You feel like I don't have to do all this alone. You feel like you wanted to support me and help me because that's in your heart. I shouldn't have to ask for it it's a given. God why don't I get it why must I constantly have to wait and suffer? I just want to create a better life, a better picture, to feel happy. I will try my best to continue being the best of me and better improve myself each day. But I need your help. Also I don't wanna think of god as the father anymore because you know how broken that makes me feel. Show me what real heaven is and please protect me from lies and destruction. And most importantly god is telling me now don't like them take advantage of you because you have released the light and they will try to burn it out. But this that's all I ever asked to be saved from. Save me from the disruptive mankind. So if heaven is a place that you envision then I will receive all the love and support and kindness from men and family that I never truly felt I had. I would be blessed with gifts that make me feel like I'm apart of the family. I wouldn't need to feel like I'd bend over backwards and do anything for anyone else but they won't do anything for me. So please don't allow anyone on earth to take from me and not give the same amount back. I feel like I'm turning evil again because I'm so tired of not feeling equal. Show me what it means to have a kind heart without asking for it. Teach me what it is to be real and live that dream not just dream it. Help me feel like the people do love and respect and are helpful and not just money hungry. God please save me from that. Save me from the people who claim they love me but yet are too poor to do nice things for me or with me. Don't let them take, take, take and leave me hanging out with that terrible feeling that I can't change because I'm stuck in hell. Silence, nothing, broken emptiness penniless, .etc all the evil take it away. Show me you want me around take me places, invite me, share things with me, do things with me, without feeling like you have to show me what a true heart is because God knows I'm still waiting......