how I feel

When I had my surgery I didn't want to wake up. I just wish I could dream the rest of my life away. I feel like I don't have nothing to live for. I'm sick of being sick I just want the pain to end. If death can bring me that then I'm truly ready god take me away from this place. I don't want to live the rest of my life with this feeling of sickness. I'm never going to learn to live with it or be happy because of it. I never wanna wake up again. The pain it even hurts my eyes. I don't wanna 👀see myself like this no more. I can't feel anything but worthless, slience, misery, sickness, and pain. I just want it to end. I thought by having surgery I would become pretty not this ugly frankstein/zombie. All I know is I can't live with myself looking and feeling this way. It has to end I either need to be beautiful or dead. It's not just my physical being with the problems it's my society and social world too. All I see is pain and suffering and other sick people. I need to see perfection. It's a mixture of alot of things. I don't seem to feel anything at all but happiness when I dream so I'm hope death is like that. You may think. Suicidal but I'm not I don't choose to harm myself. I didn't get to choose this virus chose for me. Also I'll never learn to cope with this I'll always be broken until that day when the gates of heaven open up for me. Just know when I'm gone that finally at peace and I can finally be happy now.