life I've never experience and my time will expire first

There's so much I can say here that I don't have experience with I might even leave a few things out. So I've never known what's it's like to go on dates with guys because I've always been too afarid to try. I've never got to hold hands and walk around. What is a kiss? What is it to have a guy build you a garden or a home? A man who changes diapers? A picture of me and man together. I don't even know what a friendship is. It's really sad because all my life that's all I ever dreamed of but still haven't experienced. What is a good relationship? Now that I'm fourty years old I'm still asking and writing the same things as I did when I was younger nothing has changed. The only life experience I feel I've ever experienced was I'm not good enough because I won't get over my fear of getting a job or at least that's what my mom says. I still feel like I'm too broken to even do that I'm scared to be yelled at all the time. Plus I'm inexperienced. That's all I've ever been. Than I think about how I used to have a therapist that said I was afarid of change. Maybe I am but it's only because of what I've actually been experiencing. Then I think about how everyone keeps saying that I am insanity because I always repeat the same things in life expecting a different result. Maybe because I am whatever someone else creates me to be. I don't know how to control my own destiny I just do what's expected of me or what I'm told, but then again that's not even good enough. Everyday I talk to myself I cry a bit and then try to come up with ideas how can I fit in or belong or be worthy or anything at all but then I never find it. I just deal with this as they happen and I never find support or the right type of it's completed. For example look at my car it goes into shop they say it's done but yet I gotta take it back because the check engine light is still on. This is always what's happens in my life I'll keep trying to fix my life, health, home, family, and friends and it doesn't matter what I do I still remain broken. Also I've found that I don't get these things done in a timeframe either. I see how everyone else how time limits and they get stuff done but with me nothing happens time just goes by for a very long time with no success.  I'm still here the same as I was 20 years ago. I don't think I'll ever understand what's wrong with me? I can't even get anyone to properly diagnose me. All I ever feel is broken, unworthy, useless, isolation, infected, etc. I blame it on because no one ever helped me not feel this way. I'm even not sure if there's a god or a santan anymore. I've lost all faith in everything. Everything everyday is just me and myself what I can do for myself. Also all by myself. I have conversations with myself. I even call myself crazy. I'm not sure if I am or not. My son doesn't seem to care about what I do or don't do. He doesn't even show me kindness and anymore. He did when he was younger but now nothing. Although he's here it's like he's not. It's been like this for a long time. Why do I feel like I've written all this before in the past. I know because I have and I continue to do so because it never changes. Why is it that I can receive temporary I can't even spell it temporary kindness from strangers, but at home all I feel is pain? Why does my family life only consistent of sadness? How come I never learned how to feel whole or complete happiness? Why do I always commicate with text? You know why because it's all you have. It's the only form of communication you have when your not talking at loud to yourself. I even have to hug myself. Still trying to figure out how to kiss myself. I won't even kiss my mom because how sick she looks. Then I remember why no one will ever do the same to me. Also I'm so tired of feeling like in order to feel that I must work or at least that what mom tells me all the time. Sometimes I think we'll what if I did get a job and there's no men there or the company policies say that relationships are not allowed. I don't think she understands. Plus I did work for awhile and I never met anyone all they care about is what you can do for them they don't give a shit about your personal life. I don't even have a personal life I've made mines all public. I'm honest and open about everything because that's all I got here. Still I feel like no one understands me. I am the outcasted the abused the rebel the one who will never fit into anything or anyone. I create a pretend world an imaginary world where I don't have to think about all the things I'm absent from. I still get awkward feelings when I see other people outside with their displays of happiness when I am not. I try to hide it away as much as I can but I still feel the pain or the emptiness whatever you wanna call it. I feel so fake. I think I do very good at covering it up, but on the inside I'm still broken.