half broken

Well my aunt and little cousin came to stay over. It definitely killed the silence, but there's still apart of me that still feels sad and soulless. My aunt has skin problems not the same as mines. I guess I'm not the only one with problems. Then again being around young children helps with feeling normal again. It's nice to have someone around to play pretend with. Still I find myself a bit sad Everytime we play dollhouse she always makes the toys get married and have babies which bothers me because inside I'm not okay but I pretend I'm ok and just keep playing. I've spent so many years here alone with any social life besides my playstation I forget what it what like to be alive again. I forgot what it was like to have a child next to me wanting to lay on and and kiss my cheek while watching tv. Oh yeah and tickling. All I could was think about I can't remember when Ryan was so little he used do that stuff with me. He's so much grown apart from me. All he does is say in his room and it's like a crime to even hug him. Then my mind wondered off again. Maybe that's why I'm in so much pain because I killed my baby 15 years ago all because all I could remember is I'm not ready to be a dad. But maybe I should forgive myself although I never really did and I thought I was supposed to suffer for this. But maybe it's not me I just have been so isolated for so long I forgot how it felt to be human. Or maybe it's because children bring out the light when you've been living in the dark for so long. I dunno what's wrong with me but it was nice not feeling rejected or abused. I feel like I've spent too many years begging to fit into a job or school or anything at all really that I never really got to spend time with family. I remember I used to always spend the weekends with my cousins and their kids growing up. It wasn't so bad as trying to fit in the world with people my age or even younger. Seeing all the positive energy that it brings makes me wonder why have I been left in the dark for so long? I know it's helping my aunt cope too even if she doesn't say it or show it. I think it helps her feel better about herself at her age. We are kind of in the same boat here. And there's still so much I dunno about everything. I wish I could just fix everything and everyone but I know it's not possible. Sometimes I can nearly even fix myself. But at least we have each other to help make new memories and heal each other. I'll miss them when they are gone. I just gotta learn how to get myself out in the world and find change, but then again I've searching for that my whole life. I guess it's just hard because everyone is wearing masks and there's no music to distract me anymore. I always felt like my purpose in life was just to keep going to shows and trying to do this or that but since everything has been stay at home. I'm starting to see things in a different picture. Speaking of pictures I need to start a new story find a new beginning.....