real friends?

What the hell are friends? Can someone explain to me what it is not in definition but in experience. I can only depend on no accountability. A broken resource that stays unresolved. I must be living in a state of denial because there's no rainbow or butterflies here. When I sleep I don't even dream n ok it's just blank darkness not even a nightmare. I'm living with my demons. There's no faces, messages, not even a ring of the phone or at the door. Just endless void. 666 even santan has friends. Take me to heaven or take me to hell but neither have occured. I'm just talking to myself again. I can only trust myself because my friend hasn't put any effort. All I can do is tired myself out on and endless search for a connection to a sense of belonging I have never encountered. I out myself out there but I guess it wasnt enough. There's not a much past hello but the akward silence that follows. Not much thought past this day after day that follows. I drown in sorrow but not in front of you because you will bring life to this lifeless world I live in. Purpose follows....