unable

So what I'm thinking is not just one person but several people in my family have steered me wrong. My mother, my cousin, my son. I'm unable to trust anyone because of the quality of character. I'm not even allowed to speak about anything because if I do I'm always told I'm the one with the problem. I wish I wasn't related anyone then I wouldn't be treated the way I get treated. I'm a beautiful person when I'm alone. I just don't know how I'm stay kind, trusting forgiving, etc. God and text give me my freedom of speech without negative judgement. My mother always says the samething over and over again. I don't treat her right. That she wished she never left me this house and all the stuff she did. How the hell am I treating her wrong she doesn't even explain. All she does all the time is talk about how everyone is stealing her money. All she ever talks about is money. And I'm always hearing her tell me to get a job and even if I do that she yells the ones I get aren't good enough. She never tells at ryan to do anything at all. She yells at me when I ask him to do stuff. Like he's supposed to do nothing but sit around and get fat and be miserable. But isn't that what my family members always shown me. When I look at all the anger and overweight problems and health problems it makes me angry. I don't want that at all. I've always tried to better myself, but still I'm told I'm wrong for saying this or that. It's like no matter what I do I'm always wrong. I can't even speak most of the time because I'll get hit physically or mentally verbally or both. Just because nothing will ever make you happy or you can't change your ways doesn't mean I need to be like you. I've always felt like I don't belong here. Then she says stuff like my doctor wants me to see a neutrisoist but I already know what I'm supposed to eat. I tell her she does need one but she's the type of person who won't listen. She thinks she knows everything if she did she wouldn't be so fucked up. Also she keeps buying my son food he eats too much. It drives me mad. He doesn't even ration. But yet they all make me feel bad because I say I like this or don't like that or will it won't something like I'm the problem. It's so hard for me to change and better myself when I think about all my family does the same shit and gang up on me. It's like because I don't fit into your ways of doing things so I'm not good enough. But yet I'm the smallest person out of them. And yes I don't wanna be like them and I won't change for them. I've seen what it does to them. Just like I've seen the excuses of money is the reason for all your problems. I will not ever change. I just wish they wake up before it's too late. I've told her you can't buy me and I can't always do what u want when u want. I also can't fix the anger you feel with dad. I told her to kick him out or call the cops. She did something to make him angry and he threw a fork at the wall putting a hole in it. She's mad cause all he does is go-to casinos. He won't do any work around the house for her not even goto the hospital with her. When I'm around it's a different story he starts doing things and then he complains like I do how no one ever helps him and he's sick of doing it alone. Mom says we are like because we are. Don't complain and fight just get it done, but yet he still gets lazy. I don't talk about wanting to kill people and crazy stuff like he does though. Also I don't blame other racists for problems. I blame the designers, the economy, the zoned locations and also the quality of character. There's always respect and disrespect. I always keep my eyes and ears open. It just hurts me when I feel like I'm not allowed to speak as my true self. Mostly I'm so done and tired with trying to fix other people. I just want to focus on making myself a better person. I'm tired of being judged for being different. Communication is very important but lots of times it's so hard to do that's why my entire life has been in text. I know I'm a light within the darkness. I'm just tired of no one ever letting me be me without the compassion or understanding. And yet I'll still continue to be this no matter what. I don't like to live in the past. I'm forever searching for change a new experience. I don't live in yesturday but for tomorrow. I'm just so tired of hearing mom talk about stuff she did in the past doesn't she see that the things you do and say tomorrow change your future. If I still hung on to past stuff I'd go crazy because most of my family's past consisted of drugs, abuse, voilience, health and mental problems. That is why I never felt like I belong here. That's why I always wanna choose strangers over family. That is why I will not follow that path. That's also the reason why I have built so many walls around myself. I don't know what's going on with Debbie I hope she's not dying. It seems like Everytime someone in my family is close to death or they are broken they start spending more time with me. Not sure what's going on here. Guess I'll find out soon.